And all due to stress and anxiety.
Lyn, wrote a post HERE recently on Social Anxiety and while I don't THINK I have that per se, (maybe I do) the feelings of anxiety regardless of the source are pretty much the same and I related with her post as I read it. And this stress/anxiety is intensified 1000 fold when my children are involved. I torture myself on a daily basis with thoughts of the things that could happen to them in certain situations and I find myself thinking that it would be my fault of they did happen because as their mother, I put them in that situation.
We all remember the elementary school shootings?
For a long time I couldn't take my children out to anyplace public except the supermarket and even there I found myself hyper analyzing everyone who walked by and even people who were at a distance. When I finally did take my girls to the mall I nearly hyperventilated thinking that anyone, ANYONE, could be carrying a gun or a weapon and could choose my little girls as targets. I found my eyes bouncing from person to person, looking at their faces and their clothing, checking to see if their coat, bag, purse, pockets were big enough for a lethal weapon. My eyes couldn't scan the crowds fast enough and when I did occasionally see someone who looked 'off' I would either turn in the opposite direction and hurry away or pick my girls up (yes all combined 90lbs of them) and rush past the person. (Who was probably just a normal every day person but with my warped view of the general population could have been the next mass child murderer) It was gut wrenching and depression inducing.
In my teenage years I had a motto:
IF I CAN THINK OF IT BEFORE IT HAPPENS,
IT MOST LIKELY WON'T
AND IF IT DOES THEN I WILL BE PREPARED.
This motto helped me cope with surprises in my life both good and bad. It helped me deal with disappointments and it kept my mind busy when I was otherwise bored or lonely. And that stupid motto has stuck with me, ingrained in my brain all my adult life and I believe was the stepping stone for this obsessive compulsive need to think of every horrifying circumstance that could occur to my family members and children at any given time so that it won't actually happen.
My mom offers to take my girls out for the day so I can have some time to myself. Immediately my mind starts ticking off all the horrible things that could happen.
She could forget them somewhere
Someone could abduct one or both of them when she isn't paying attention
Someone could steal the car while she's pumping gas and take off with my kids
(These are just a few)
Then I torture myself further by imagining receiving a phone call from a hospital or even worse the morgue to tell me that my child has been XY or Z or is dead.
Yes, morbid. Yes, horrifying. Yes, completely obsessive compulsive. No, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it.
So, when I find myself doing this my only resort (rightly so) is to pray. And so I pray a lot. A lot A lot.
And most often, it really helps. It gives me peace, relaxes me, takes my mind off the worries and reminds me that HE is in control and that all the horrible thoughts I experience are from the devil. The closer you get to God the more the devil will attack your thoughts and your circumstances to pull you away. And that brings me to this and what I must ALWAYS remember.