Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Because Everything Wasn't Shitty Enough?

I really ought not complain. In reality things could be so significantly worse than they actually are but writing it down is somehow cathartic and also allows some kind of stress relief.

Yesterday was the Ex's normal visit day but due to the 'incident' from the previous Monday, I had informed him that we would revert to the court ordered parenting plan where he would see the girls at a visitation center supervised by professionals. He completely ignored that.

A little bit of info: We both have iPhones with Find My Phone on them where each iPhone can be tracked. 

Well, I was feeling anxious and fearful and tracked his iPhone. And to be completely honest it felt like something out of a horror story. If it had been night time and not 10am I might have had a heart attack.

So, as the GPS found his phone I was looking at the Google Map displayed on the screen and noticed the buildings looked familiar. The streets looked familiar. And then I noticed that the green dot that represented his phone was moving up what appeared to be a sidewalk. Very familiar sidewalk and as it donned on me that it was MY HOUSE I was looking at, the doorbell rang - and rang - and rang.

I freaked out closing the door that separates my apartment from the rest of the house, closing the blinds and called my gramma who lives across the alley to come over.

(BECAUSE YES, I WAS THAT FREAKED OUT THAT HE ARRIVED SO ABRUPTLY AND UNANNOUNCED - not to mention my anxiety filled premonition and his timing!!)

We proceeded to watch the green dot on the Google map circle my house from the front, all the way around the side and then around the street toward the alley that leads to the backyard. He spent some time moving around the house and then went back to the front. He sat in his car for quite a while, doing I'm not sure what.

Then proceeded to drive to my Aunt's house where he woke up my uncle who had missed work because he was feeling ill. He spent 20 minutes relaying 'his side' of the whole situation to my uncle (who mind you, didn't even know what happened the Monday prior, let alone that my ex was stalking the neighborhood)

Anyway, meanwhile I had tried to call my uncle and then called my aunt - who had been out at volleyball practice with my cousin and was on her way home. She called the cops. She did not appreciating my abusive and threatening ex husband arriving unannounced at her house and trespassing through her side and back yard before finally ringing the doorbell.

I had already called the cops because I just didn't understand what he was doing in my neighborhood for over 45 minutes. Eventually my Uncle - who just about had a heart attack after hearing his doorbell ring, his dog going nutzo from having a 'visitor', realizing who the 'visitor' was, realizing he was going to have to listen to a sob story, hearing his phone ring off the hook (my aunt, myself and 911 operators confirming my ex was there) on top of feeling ill with a migraine and upset stomach - eventually he realized that this was a very bad situation and informed my ex husband that he needed to leave because the cops were on their way.

He did leave before the cops arrived and I filed a report.

Then it comes to my attention that my ex husband signed up for a dating site. Fine, whatever. I don't care. However, I AM affected by the fact that he used a picture that included my two daughters as his ID photo. I asked him to remove it and this is the roller coaster ride of emotions he always takes me on. He apologized profusely, saying he didn't know even how he signed up for the site and that he didn't know the girls appeared in the picture. Then - through e-mail which of course I saved for if there were any doubt that he requested it - he provided me with his login information and asked me to deactivate his account because he didn't know how. In any other circumstances I would have told him to figure it out or ask someone else, but because I wanted my daughters' photo down I did as he asked.


I think my blood pressure is up now, even though it feels good to get it off my chest.

On a positive note, I am 3 days now with no Aspartame (except a minimal amount in a piece of gum I was offered that I didn't realize was sugar free)

The symptoms I had been experiencing on a daily basis that were the most agonizing were as follows:

  • Migraines
  • Sheet lightning and auras behind my closed eyelids
  • Muscle spams (mostly in my hands but also in my feet and shoulders)
  • Serious GI upset with no 'result'
  • Severe exhaustion
  • Depression
Now three days free of Aspartame I have not had a migraine, though I have had an ongoing headache which is consistent with Aspartame withdrawal. No more auras or strange lights behind my eyes. No more muscle spasms. Minimal GI upset, NO EXHAUSTION, and a much brighter outlook on life. 

Some might say it is all psychological but after reading all the symptoms (because there are so many more) I realized that it is one thing to feed myself to the point of obesity. It is a completely other thing to poison myself with something that while the FDA approves, also lists one of the symptoms as DEATH. Yeah, I don't think so.

So, from now on, no diet beverages for myself or my girls. Nor diet/sugar free yogurts or gums. Full sugar or something modified depending on what it is but no more aspartame for these girls. Nope nope!

As for the eating myself to obesity - which I have already done. I am mentally trying to tackle that giant also. There was a set back with Weight Watchers so every day I am trying to be mindful of what I eat while I try to motivate myself into being 100% in this thing. There's nothing to hold me back anymore. My life is mine. I need to take it by the horns and make it EVERYTHING IT CAN BE. 

Until next time

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Not Welcome at Church

  • Hello, I just wanted to stop by because I wanted to address something I experienced today at church. I have been going to this church for 5 years and both my daughters have grown up in the Sunday school classes. We LOVE it there.
    Unfortunately we have been unable to attend church for the past several months because of some traumatic personal issues within our family. These issues have caused severe separation anxiety between my 4 & 5 year old as well as exacerbated their fear of men which they had always been wary of in the first place.
    I was finally able and so excited to attend second service this morning and told the girls they could stay together because otherwise they didn't want to go. I was unaware that outdoor Sunday school had begun and that my 4 year old would not be able to stay with her sister.
    I am a reasonable person and completely understand that the teachers and volunteers cannot be held responsible for children who do not belong in the grades that are supposed to be outside. However, upon being told that the 3-4 year old class was available and me responding that my 4 year old does not like that class at all I was told that if I spoke of the class in a good light than she might change her mind. And it wasn't in the words themselves or the intention behind them that I am assuming was for the best interest of my daughter -- but the tone and the facial expression that were delivered that hurt my heart.
    I wish my daughter wasn't so hurt by someone in her life that simply speaking positively about the Sunday school class that she physically fears because it is taught primarily by men would change her mind, or comfort her. Unfortunately, it won't.
    Thankfully her big sister has an enormous heart and more compassion in her 5 year old body than I know most adults have and offered to accompany her little sister inside the sanctuary where they sat quietly for most of the service.
    However, I was uncomfortable for the majority of the service, not because I felt inconvenienced by the presence of my daughters in the sanctuary. On the contrary it was a pleasure to have them. But because I honestly had never felt less welcome somewhere as a mother dealing with personal trauma.
    For that reason I will wait until fall to return to services and I can only ask for someone else who might be in my shoes, that while the rules are to be followed and safety for the children of course is to be foremost that perhaps if another mother comes to any of the church staff asking for a favor (even if it something that can't be done) that a little more time and a little more finesse - as simple as a smile - be taken for that person. Thank you

    This is the letter I sent to via their Facebook page to my church today. I am truly saddened by my experience. And of all the people to make someone feel unwelcome, I couldn't believe that it came from none other than the pastor's wife. I felt numb. 
    Church is a place I go for worship, fellowship, to learn, support, acceptance and the company of other Christians. Instead I felt judged, unwelcome, and shunned as if I wasn't doing my job as a mother well enough because I hadn't thought of speaking positively about the Sunday school class. 
    I'm just sad.

    Today I decided I would stop using products with aspartame in them. No more Diet Coke or Splenda for me. I have 47 of the 92 FDA verified and published symptoms of aspartame poisoning some of which include migraines, vision changes, hearing changes, exhaustion and fatigue, difficult weight loss, mild - severe depression, memory loss, slurred or impaired speech, muscle spasms --- And these are just a few of the ones I DO have... there are literally 92 symptoms associated with aspartame. 
    I will be checking all ingredients of the foods my girls and I eat from now on to ensure there is no aspartame and no soy. 

    Breezy's 4th birthday is Saturday. We will be celebrating at Chuck E Cheese on Thursday, family dinner on Friday and then on her birthday we will go somewhere fun. I am excited for her to open her gifts because since months ago when she outgrew her bike all she has asked for was a new one and she's going to get her wish!! Plus some awesome horse toys, including a life size pony that I am sure she is going to flip over. My aunt is also going to get her some riding lessons so it ought to be one fantastic birthday.

    Meanwhile, I'm trying to live without dwelling in the darkness of worry and depression and irritability. It is so very much easier said than done but I'm working on it. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

It's All New and I'm Scared

I am a weak person. I cling to things and people because I fear so much; being alone, feeling rejected, pain of any kind. I prefer to numb myself with what is familiar to me and that is what I have done my entire life.

These past months my life has been a twisting, winding, plummeting, rocketing mess of nothing new. A cycle I have subjected myself to for as long as I can remember. I have stopped the cycle for temporary spans of time in the past but I always revert.

Up until June 9, Sassy's 5th birthday, my ex husband and I had a civil but not overly friendly relationship. He asked if he could take me and both the girls about 300 miles north to Seattle for Sassy's birthday. I agreed. It would be fun. It was.

But on the drive home he initiated what I had honestly believed to be over and I fell back into the routine of the needing to be wanted and wanting to be needed. Numbing the loneliness with toxic company and I continued in that cycle for the last two months, stepping carefully over eggshells, trying not to rock the boat.

Don't ask me why, I simply don't know.

Due to the stressful demands of keeping one person (him) happy, other areas of my life suffered. I became impatient and short with my children. I became intolerant of other people and their idiosyncrasies. I became easily irritated and agitated and I just wanted to jump out of my own skin.

As I numbed my loneliness with poison, I also numbed my agitation and my sadness and my stress with food. I have been doing that to this very day as I write this. Food is truly my worst enemy right now, disguised as my very best friend.

On the 22nd of July there was a situation that occurred between my ex and myself with my daughters present that left me shell shocked and my children fearful of their father. Words were spoken by him that sent my mind reeling and then he did something that I never could have imagined he would do. He stole my trust, my daughters' trust and he replaced it with a horrific memory and fear.

Now I am picking up the pieces. My daughters don't understand. They are confused and hurt and understandably sad, especially Sassy. I am shocked. I used to think I knew where he drew his lines and where his limits stood. I don't know anymore. I too, am confused and angry because my daughters never should have had to witness something like they did. There was no justifiable reason and now, that cycle that I reverted to for my entire life has been decimated. To return to it at this point would be one step past insanity even though from a third party viewpoint it probably passed that line a long time ago.

I have to pick up the pieces and pretend I know what I am doing as I put back together a life that was never 100% mine. Now it is. There will be no more egg shell walking, submitting, cow towing, or kissing anyone's ass. No more chores or errands or favors to be done. No more looking for 'good' excuses why I don't want to do something or go somewhere. No more feeling like a little girl who needs to do 'the big man's bidding'. It is just me and my girls now.

And in the process of filling in the grooves and cracks of my life with healthy things and positivity where once it was filled with nothing but worry and despair and sadness and grief, I have to do the same for my girls. It is a heavy load to carry. Until you have experienced your peace being torn away from you by blatant malice and selfishness, no one can truly appreciate the difficulty and the burden of keeping oneself calm while trying to pacify and make the children who just don't understand it all content ... happy ... fulfilled ... alive ... and there is no other choice but to do it because I love them and their happiness and fulfillment depends on me.

Either Sunday or Monday my mom and I have decided to join Weight Watchers. Something new to mark the start of a new chapter. I need closure as I exit this cage I have trapped myself in for so long and only moving forward without looking back will allow that, I think.

Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with concern. You're all amazing.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


I have been MIA

I feel like everything is currently in limbo, shambles or is pressing down on me so much I can barely breathe.

But I'm alive

That counts right?

Trying to figure out life before it spirals out of control . . . AGAIN

Prayers are much appreciated.

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