These past months my life has been a twisting, winding, plummeting, rocketing mess of nothing new. A cycle I have subjected myself to for as long as I can remember. I have stopped the cycle for temporary spans of time in the past but I always revert.
Up until June 9, Sassy's 5th birthday, my ex husband and I had a civil but not overly friendly relationship. He asked if he could take me and both the girls about 300 miles north to Seattle for Sassy's birthday. I agreed. It would be fun. It was.
But on the drive home he initiated what I had honestly believed to be over and I fell back into the routine of the needing to be wanted and wanting to be needed. Numbing the loneliness with toxic company and I continued in that cycle for the last two months, stepping carefully over eggshells, trying not to rock the boat.
Don't ask me why, I simply don't know.
Due to the stressful demands of keeping one person (him) happy, other areas of my life suffered. I became impatient and short with my children. I became intolerant of other people and their idiosyncrasies. I became easily irritated and agitated and I just wanted to jump out of my own skin.
As I numbed my loneliness with poison, I also numbed my agitation and my sadness and my stress with food. I have been doing that to this very day as I write this. Food is truly my worst enemy right now, disguised as my very best friend.
On the 22nd of July there was a situation that occurred between my ex and myself with my daughters present that left me shell shocked and my children fearful of their father. Words were spoken by him that sent my mind reeling and then he did something that I never could have imagined he would do. He stole my trust, my daughters' trust and he replaced it with a horrific memory and fear.
Now I am picking up the pieces. My daughters don't understand. They are confused and hurt and understandably sad, especially Sassy. I am shocked. I used to think I knew where he drew his lines and where his limits stood. I don't know anymore. I too, am confused and angry because my daughters never should have had to witness something like they did. There was no justifiable reason and now, that cycle that I reverted to for my entire life has been decimated. To return to it at this point would be one step past insanity even though from a third party viewpoint it probably passed that line a long time ago.
I have to pick up the pieces and pretend I know what I am doing as I put back together a life that was never 100% mine. Now it is. There will be no more egg shell walking, submitting, cow towing, or kissing anyone's ass. No more chores or errands or favors to be done. No more looking for 'good' excuses why I don't want to do something or go somewhere. No more feeling like a little girl who needs to do 'the big man's bidding'. It is just me and my girls now.
And in the process of filling in the grooves and cracks of my life with healthy things and positivity where once it was filled with nothing but worry and despair and sadness and grief, I have to do the same for my girls. It is a heavy load to carry. Until you have experienced your peace being torn away from you by blatant malice and selfishness, no one can truly appreciate the difficulty and the burden of keeping oneself calm while trying to pacify and make the children who just don't understand it all content ... happy ... fulfilled ... alive ... and there is no other choice but to do it because I love them and their happiness and fulfillment depends on me.
Either Sunday or Monday my mom and I have decided to join Weight Watchers. Something new to mark the start of a new chapter. I need closure as I exit this cage I have trapped myself in for so long and only moving forward without looking back will allow that, I think.
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with concern. You're all amazing.