Sunday, October 6, 2013

Mourning

I feel like I've taken a step back into mourning my relationship with my ex husband
Lately I find myself missing things about him when they pop into my head
I see men who resemble him and for a moment my heart jumps
I will have a dream about him and all the good memories flood back in
I miss his hands
I've always been a sucker for good hands
He had good hands
Long thick fingers and a strong square shaped palm
I miss the way he'd hold my face when he talked to me
I miss hearing his voice
I miss his hugs
I miss the way he looked in blue jeans and a fitted button up plaid shirt
I miss his crooked smile
His big cow eyes with long lashes that I see whenever I look at my babies
I miss how soft his lips were
And the cute nicknames he had for me

But now those memories are marred
The man who called the police that one night 
for no other reason than to make a fuss over me not letting him see my e-mails
Was not the same man I loved
He was not the same man I hoped he would become
I know now that he was always the man he was
And it was only in my imagination that he would become the man I thought he could be
That was my wrong thinking and wrong doing

I should have known better

Meanwhile, as I sit here and find myself thinking of him less
I find that when he does cross my thoughts
The memories are crystal clear and as sharp as a knife slicing across my mind
And then the sting fades, and I forget
Sometimes for only a day
Sometimes for as long as two weeks
Until the next trigger brings a flashback of memories painfully to my conscious

Today was one of those days
I saw someone who reminded me of him at church
Then another man wearing the exact blue and white button up plaid shirt 
with the sleeves rolled to the elbows
I smelled a cologne on someone that was what he used to wear
And it seemed I could not get away from his memory today
I don't know what that means
I'm working through it

I signed up for a dating site
Not because I want to date but because I thought I could meet some funny people 
and at least have an online social life
But I've found I am just not interested
And not even because they aren't him
But because I have found I am fulfilled with my kids
My family
The social life I have through church and Sassy's school
God has given me much to fill my life and my days
I don't need a dating site, or a man to fill it

Tomorrow is weigh in day
Again, I'm unsure of how I did this week
I did not eat a point over what is allowed
But I ALWAYS seem to question myself

... Stay tuned ...

Meanwhile I leave you with a beautiful song that my friend recorded acapella and wrote herself.
Her name is Mary and she is a wife and mom of three.
I think her voice is amazing


2 comments :

  1. I hope your weigh in day goes good and sorry about these painful memory days and hope they stay few and far between. I am glad you feel fulfilled with all that you have already :D

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  2. I went through what you are describing. My marriage was abusive and ended in a very dramatic, bizarre chain of events. But I still missed him for a while. It took a while (years). Now, I am so happy to be free from him. So very happy. He is supposedly a godly man, but that is not how he treated me or his kids. And, to me, that's where it counts the most. Prayers for you.

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