Monday, November 25, 2013

Stagnant, Fear, Negligence and Thanksgiving

Considering my blog is currently set to private, I hem and haw about whether to post. I think to myself that I need to get things off my chest and write them down and then the vain side of me argues that there is no point in blogging it unless someone sees it and since my blog is private, no one except who I have invited will.

Since our return from California my weight has been up and down but every time I gain I lose it with a promise to continue to move forward and lose only to have a mishap and gain the next week. This holiday triangle (Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) is a dieter's hell. At least it is for me. I did really well this last week until yesterday when we celebrated a family member's birthday where they served Caesar salad, pizza and cake with ice cream. Should I have not eaten it? Yes. Could I have refused? Yes. Did I? No, no I didn't. I ate a slice and a half of pizza, a good portion of salad, a slice of cake with a scoop and a half of ice cream plus generous amounts of chips and salsa. Chips are seriously my kryptonite. If you want me to fail on a diet or eating healthy or whatever you want to call trying to lose weight then put a bowl of yellow corn chips in front of me and dare me not to eat any. I will FAIL every. single. time. I am not sure that even a bribe of money could stop me. It is really THAT bad.

Thus, I am sticking around 315-317lbs. I walked today and did a little bit of Zumba. I am not sure exactly how long I did because I had intended to do a 20 minute DVD but mixed them up and put in a 45 minute one. When I was panting and red and sweating like crazy with my knees feeling like they might buckle I realized I had been going for much longer than 20 minutes and stopped the tape (wow, show my age much?) DVD. I didn't want to have my knee blow out which I felt was close to happening and truly wondering why.

Well duh, Kristen... you haven't done Zumba in several months and the first time is not the time to pull out all the tricky stops no matter how well you feel you're doing physically.

So, I turned it off and did the dishes and walked around the house and then decided to sit down.

Yesterday at church we found out the our pastor took an emergency trip to Haiti where a good friend of his and a large group missionary leader had been attacked, kidnapped and murdered. The man's wife was attacked as well and left in the hospital. Their children who are attending college here in the United States are not allowed to travel to be with their mother because of the risk to their family. It hurt my spirit and the very core of my being to hear this.

Subsequently I had heinous nightmares last night about people being shot on my front lawn and as I walked down the street. I could only curl myself around my children and pray to get inside, where once we did I kept crying thinking how had our world come to this and how could I tell my children we could never go outside again. My fear is massive. But my God is infinitely more great so I am trying my very best to trust in Him, that everything will be okay and that he will protect not only my girls and my family and me but our country that is in desperate need of His protective, healing and comforting hand right now... regardless of how hard so many people are pushing it away.

Thanksgiving is coming. I am excited and simultaneously terrified because of the food. I myself will be making the mashed potatoes, so I know exactly what will go into them as well as the Pumpkin pies and the berry cobbler. On the other hand I have no idea what will go into the candied yams or the string bean casserole which are my absolute favorites. Yes, of course I can go off a standard recipe but my gramma is cooking and she always just eyeballs everything. I told myself I am going to eat super light these next three days and the following 3 days so that I can enjoy Thanksgiving day without too many repercussions. So far so well and I will just pray for the best possible outcome.

I am excited about Christmas as well. My mom has decided to do an Advent calendar for the girls instead of opening a bunch of present on Christmas. One of their large presents that they will open is a beautiful Barbie beach house. I will be giving them my collection of gorgeous collectors Barbies I have saved over the years. They will also get Barbie cases, Barbie clothes and one of the advent gifts will be Barbie Ferrari's. Other Advent gifts will be a spa day, a movie day to see Frozen, a camp out in Nana's front room in a tent, iTunes gift cards for fun games on their iPads as well as a bunch of other fun things. I am very excited for them.

My beautiful girls scrapbooking with Mama 
A new found favorite past time we share

The reason I say this is because every other year the ex supplied the majority of the gifts (actually the money for the purchase of said gifts) even though he was never present. But because of his complete physical and financial absence this year we have had to improvise. I am just so grateful for my beautiful family who is willing to pick up the slack where I cannot, especially my mom and grandparents. I am so blessed to have them.

On the topic of my ex husband, he threatened a few weeks ago to go to a lawyer and fight me tooth and nail for custody of the girls. So far, (as far as I know) he has done nothing which I find ironic considering the vehemence with which he stated he would. Maybe it is because the holidays are here, and I am guessing he will go to Mexico for Christmas. If he does that it really doesn't sit well with the lawyers or the courts that he will disappear for 2-4 weeks in the middle of a custody battle where he is trying to prove he is NOT NEGLIGENT.

And unfortunately I chose a fool. I was recently reading through my old diaries, my old blog posts and a book of e-mails my gramma made for me while I lived in Mexico. I know there must have been good times. I know there was something I saw in him once upon a time. I know it because I still feel the twinge of nostalgia when I think of certain memories. But remembering the fights, the threats and reading the anger and the sadness in my words I wonder why I was so blind then. How did I not see that he was NOT the one for me. I so badly wanted him to be that I made him into something in my mind that he was not and when he didn't live up to my standard of what I WANTED him to be I got so sad and I wrote all about it. 

In 2008 when we were still married and Breezy hadn't been born yet. Sassy was 6 months old it was around Christmas/New Years time and I wrote this post titled 

This year I expected Christmas to be special. Heck, I don't know why. Except maybe because it was Buzzy's first! (in those times I called her Buzzy not Sassy) Oh and because it was Myturo's and my first as parents. (in those times I called the ex Myturo) Oh and maybe because it was snowing beautifully two weeks out with no sign of stopping. (hence the song?) BUT . . . my dreams were dashed and I am only thankful that Buzzy is too young still to know the difference.
Like I said, it had been snowing pretty well about two weeks before Christmas but the week before it really started coming down and Buzzy and I got stuck at my mom's house about 13 miles away from home. I was unable to drive. In fact it seemed my husband was the ONLY brave soul willing to go out in the knee deep snow to drive. 
But come Christmas Eve, when I asked him if he would be coming to see us, the answer I got was this:
"Why? What is over there for me?"
Oh well, since you put it that way! Stay home! Go back to Mexico! Hell, fall off the edge of the earth for all I care!
So Buzzy and I spent her first Christmas with Gramma, Great Gramma and Grandpa, Great aunt J and Great uncle E, Auntie C and Cousin L. It was nice. Fun! Beautiful! But it wasn't what I had hoped for.
Now it is New Years Eve. We are on the brink of commencing a new beginning. My husband had the night off. But a co-worker called and asked him to work and he jumped at the chance so fast it truly has me wondering if my child and I have a disease we don't know about. In any case, he won't be celebrating with us. Oh well. We'll get used to it.
I wonder what 2009 will bring us. More pain and suffering or as a white Christmas predicts in the old folktales, a prosperous (better) New Year.
I read this and my heart hurts for the woman who so badly wanted her marriage to work. I hurt for the delusion I was under that he really cared at all about me or our child. I am sad that I didn't leave him then and that I still spent another year trying to make something that was irreversibly broken, whole again. I regret spending the next 2 years waiting to see if things would eventually work out before I divorced him and I cannot believe I still continued to pine for our relationship past the divorce up until July of this year. And even with the pain and the suffering and the anger and the misuse of trust and the lying and the emotional cheating and the physical and verbal abuse and the degradation . . . I still loved him. I not only let him hurt me twice, I let him hurt me again and again and again expecting that THIS time, it would be different. THIS time he would change. THIS time he would stop talking to the women he worked with. THIS time he would stop sending our money to Mexico when we were barely staying above water. THIS time he wouldn't hurt me physically or mentally. THIS TIME ALWAYS TURNED INTO NEXT TIME ... 

Obviously because of this mass outpouring of words, I am not over it. I am still hurt. I am still sad. I am still angry. But most of all I am hurt and sad and angry for my daughters. I thought their daddy would be different than mine, than my step-dad, and so many other daddies out there. I thought he would be a good dad. A good father. A good role model. I was wrong. So very wrong. 

Where I wanted him to teach them morals, instead he could only teach them lies and deceit. Where I wanted him to teach them unconditional love, instead he could only teach them love of a person for the material things that the person could give them. Where I wanted him to teach them respect for themselves as girls and eventual women, he would have only been able to teach them inferiority and subservience to men because he has no respect for women. And where I had thought he could teach them a devout and pure love for God as Christian little girls, I realized that he himself could not even claim to be devout in his love of God exampled in his actions and his words.

They deserve more.

These two sweet, wonderful, big hearted, loving little girls who are cherished and loved by my family more than they will ever be able to conceive DESERVE MORE.

And it is my job as their mom to make sure that I teach them everything I expected him to. Family values, morals, honesty, respect for others and for themselves, and individuality led by God. But mostly I want to teach them LOVE; for our wonderful and Almighty God, their family, their neighbor and their country. I want to teach them patriotism in the true sense of the word, not what it has become in today's society.

On that note, it is time to make dinner. I don't know when I will publicize this blog again for the public to view. Maybe soon. Until then, if you are reading thanks for thinking of us. 


  1. I wish I knew something to say here. But I don't. No words of advice. Nothing. Well, except... I'm proud of you. I know that may not be the right thing to say, but I am. It takes a really strong person to realize what went wrong and move on. One step and one day at a time, you can do this.

  2. They do deserve more than him - glad you and your family can give that to them! Keep up the good work, you really are doing a spectacular job!


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