As I am constantly mentioning, I have been reading avidly through Linny's blog over at A Place Called Simplicity (I strongly suggest you visit and read) and my heart has made a strange metamorphoses. It is extremely difficult to understand myself, let alone explain to you all. It's like all my good intentions were being held captive inside a mud casing petrified over time and those intentions knew only the limits of that mud casing. But through Linny's blog (because I believe God chose her as a human vessel with which to reveal His Word to me) and my own soul searching and researching and listening religiously to my pastor and praying . . . it is as if the mud casing has broken away and crumbled into nothingness and I suddenly feel as if anything is possible. ANYTHING. I have so much that had been sitting on the surface of my heart and it feels as though it is sinking in, absorbing straight into the muscle and my chest feels literally overflowing with emotion and joy and POSSIBILITY and OPTIMISM.
Even as I write this I am listening to my 'Mercyme' Pandora Station and the song is, HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD! And my eyes are filled with tears because I don't know when the light switch flipped. I don't know when the flood gates opened and I suddenly felt this way. It just happened, unbeknownst to me. I was closed and cold and guarded and pessimistic and sad and lonely and then SUDDENLY I WASN'T. How great is MY GOD. YOUR GOD?!
God suddenly threw open several different doors and it was like He said to me, 'Choose Kristen. They've always been there. Now is the time to choose." And so now I am faced with a life-changing decision. I have three talents that stand out from any others that I may think or not think I have. Those are my strength and ability to give great massages. I have always been told I should get involved in massage therapy. I speak Spanish fluently and have been told on more than one occasion how I should be an interpreter and of course, I write. I love all of those options and I have plenty of time to weigh which is the best fit for me. I will pray. I will ask God to guide me. Just recently I was wallowing in the deepest trenches of despair, thinking about how much my family has helped me financially and what I would ever do if something happened to them. I was desperately depressed and then God took my chin, tilted it toward the sky and said to me ... I've got this. We've got this. And I will always provide for you when you need me.
Something else has been squeezing my heart as well and I cannot / will not reveal what that is but I will ask for prayers that God will reveal to me if / when it is time.
I cannot express how excited I am. The possibilities are endless. My eyes have been opened and cleared and I am excited to see where God leads me now that I can see. Don't worry, if you read to hear about my weight loss (or lack there of) you will still hear about that. If you read to see pictures and hear about my beautiful little girls, there will be plenty of that too. But this blog will undergo a transformation that will infuse the most important part of life directly into each post and there will be no lack of thanking God for everything He has given me, including the ability to share my journey.