Sunday, March 31, 2013

I Struggled About What to Write

And I figure, there shouldn't be a struggle.

So instead on this Easter Sunday 2013 I will simply say:


Friday, March 29, 2013

I Squatted and Nothing Cracked or Popped! (Super Long and Involved Post)

Haha, ok, it was just a strange title and there is no hilarious story or anything that goes along with it. Simply put, as long as I can remember, the first squat that is followed by many my hip bones and ligaments always snap, crackle or pop. NOT TODAY! Zumba Toning and my first squat went down (literally) like butter! Woot!

On a sour note:





So here is the lowdown about what has been going on this side of the blogosphere:

My family lives in a compound (not really) all within 3-8 houses of each other so we are always in each other's business. Thus, my gramma's stress rubbed off on me when she went for her 60,000 mile checkup on her car and asked them to again check out a rattle she was hearing. She had also heard it at her 50,000 mile checkup but they said it was nothing which is mechanic talk for they couldn't (or didn't want to) find anything. Anywho, she got the same go around this time only after the checkup it started getting louder. She took it in. They diagnosed it as a busted air conditioning compressor and told her it would cost $900.

INSERT JAW DROP



Now my gramma and grandpa literally change their oil every 3000 miles, wash their cars as soon as dust even looks in their cars' direction and always always ALWAYS takes them for routine maintenance before  or right when routine maintenance is due. So, because it was documented that my gramma had told them about the rattle at 50,000 miles and again and 60k miles and it was basically negligence on their part that they hadn't found anything wrong, they said they would comp her 75% of the price.

INSERT STANDING OVATION



So, she takes her car in to get the compressor replaced. Walks the mile to the closest mall and shops. 3 hours later she gets a call. It isn't the compressor at all. It is the alternator and it needs to be completely replaced. This AFTER they had let her drive it around assuring her it is completely safe. For the mechanically impaired, driving on a busted alternator is NOT SAFE. Your car can turn off in an instant and there is no turning it back on or charging the battery. IT IS ESSENTIALLY DEAD. PLUS, an alternator costs a hell of a lot more to replace AND it costs more in labor. So, she was pissed. I was pissed because I was waiting for her to help me with my sister's b-day stuff and I was totally stressed for my gramma regarding the money! Thankfully they told her they would honor the $225 they had said she would be paying and all was hunky dory.

ABOUT WHAT WE FEEL AT THE MOMENT



My family and I all agree because of their asshat idiocy she should have been comped for the whole damn thing. OH WELL. What is done is done and my grandpa told her to pay it and get it fixed so they could be done with it. I may just write a long letter to a newspaper though.

Anyway, as I stated earlier in that mess of a story, yesterday we celebrated my sister's 20th birthday even though she is only technically 20 today. I made Tinga to which I have a recipe - tutorial prepared on how to make because some people from facebook and I guess somewhere in cyberworld who e-mailed me wanted to know.

TUTORIAL ON TOSTADAS DE TINGA - Unfortunately I was a complete dork and forgot to take a picture of the finished product but if you make it, I would love to see how yours turns out!

For a 'normal size gathering of maybe 4-6' you will need:

4 large boneless chicken breasts
3-4 large red onions (less if you don't much like onions, more if you like them a lot)
10-15 Roma tomatoes
Garlic (fresh minced - optional)
2 large cans chipotle chiles in adobo sauce
1 large can of refried beans or 1 bag of fresh dried beans (you will need to soak dried beans and mash them which I will not include in the tutorial)
Guerrero (or brand of your choice) hard tostada shells
Shredded lettuce, 1 head or 1 bag prepackaged
1 cheese round of Queso Fresco (Ranchero or Cacique brand)
1 bottle of Crema Mexicana (Cacique brand - white lid)












Boil chicken until cooked through. Shred chicken into a large bowl and cover with foil to keep moist while you prep the rest. OR prep the rest, leaving the chicken in the water and shred while veggies soften.




 Chop onions into rounds. Chop tomatoes into small cubes and combine in sauce pan (include minced garlic if you have used it.) Cover and simmer until onions are soft and tomatoes have mostly deteriorated.












Depending on the amount of heat you like you can use a mesh strainer and strain the chipotle chiles so just the adobo sauce remains and your chicken mixture will be very mild. Add chiles with seeds if you are looking for a bit spicier mixture. After you have added your preferred amount of chiles and sauce add the shredded chicken. Make sure all chicken is completely covered and cover to simmer while you continue with the rest of the prep.















If you have dried beans you will need to have eliminated any rocks (because dried beans inevitably come with rocks) and then soaked in warm water overnight. Or if you are like me with no patience, just open the can of Rosarita (or brand of your choice) refried beans, pour in a glass pan, cover with foil and heat. (You can add some grated cheese before you heat if you like.)

Grate the entire round of Queso fresco and put in a bowl are plate. Plate your shredded lettuce and cut a hole in the crema bottle cover. I find it is easier to pour then scoop.

You can either serve buffet style to let people create their own tostadas or you can have fun passing things (constantly) back and forth at the table. Make sure you have plenty of napkins and you are not in formal company. THIS STUFF IS MESSY!!

Courtesy of Google Images













The correct order would be:

Tostada shell

A lather of beans

A scoop of chicken mixture

Lettuce, cream and then cheese.

ENJOY!!

________________________________________________________

Today! Oh Today! Good Friday in every aspect of the term, let me tell you (beside the squats and definitely not including the bug bites).

I had a blast coloring eggs with my girls, my Aunt, my gramma and my cousin and then watching my cousin after and how awesome she played with my girls.





























Monday, March 25, 2013

One Step Forward - And Then I Fall Down

First off let me give a big ol THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to Jewlz who blogs over at Searching for Jewlz. She posted the most amazing comment on my last post which gave me so much strength and inspiration for what I had to go through today. So thank you lady. Your comment and the story you shared literally gave me the strength to endure what I had to do today. THANK YOU THANK YOU



Today was good. One of the better Mondays I have had in a long time. Unfortunately it did involve Mr. A because as the custodial parent it is my responsibility to absolutely follow the parenting plan. Well, even though one isn't directly in place right now, I want there to be no shadow of a doubt that I AM NOT keeping the girls from their dad. So last night when I was finally asleep and he texted me that he would meet us at 11 at IHOP I agreed. If the parenting plan were currently valid he would have 5 hours with his girls. I am willing to do this. It shows not only that I am not keeping them from him but that I am willing to let him see them even under circumstances where I don't have to.



So we met him at 11. Immediately he started off on the wrong foot. Breezy asked him if they could get a toy and he said no. Then as is his MO he changed his mind. Breezy is not good with wishy washy people and her confusion manifested in her bopping him on the head. Of course, I do not condone that but I would have told her to look me in the eye and said sternly that it is NEVER OKAY TO HIT, ESPECIALLY ON THE HEAD. What did Mr. A do? He YELLED at her DON'T HIT MY HEAD and used her full name which embarrassed the heck out of her. She doesn't trust him enough to be reprimanded by him, let alone yelled at and still feel that he loves her. I could see it in the slump of her shoulders and her downcast eyes. I also saw the transition on his face from pure rage to guilt. He tried to make amends by pulling her to him but she jerked out of his hand which infuriated him again and through gritted teeth he growled for her to 'come here' while grabbing her bicep and yanking her toward him. Until now I had kept my mouth shut, watching as the situation played out but as soon as he grabbed her arm I spoke up and in the most calm voice I could muster and in a volume I deemed appropriate for a restaurant atmosphere, I said, "don't grab her arm and do not yell at her that way,". He proceeded to tell me I couldn't tell him what to do and went to pull her toward him again. "She needs her space away from you right now. Let go of her arm." I demanded this in a bit of a louder voice and moved my chair back to stand in case he didn't comply. The minute he released her she dropped out of the booth and appeared at my side, crawled into my lap and buried her face in my chest. All I could do was shake my head. I was so angry.



He didn't like that I was shaking my head and told me so and then repeated that I was not to tell him what to do with HIS daughters. I had a moment of needing a good pissing contest and I told him, straight to his face eye to eye, "Not only will I tell you what to do, but when, where how and why and if you think these past few years have been me being to strict with the {parenting} schedule, than you haven't seen ANY-THING."

He scoffed and said, "we'll see when I get legal help,"

I admit I should have stopped but I goaded him.

"Yeah, we'll see. You get your lawyer and I look forward to seeing you in court."

That shut him up. And his silence was golden. Music to my ears.

Breezy didn't want to sit with him anymore after that.



We walked to Target after breakfast and I had to tell him twice not to let Breezy walk on the curb next to a 4 lane very busy street. Men. ((SMH))



He then bought them more toys they don't need and princess shoes. ((sigh))

After Target we went to see The Croods. He allowed them each their own candy (Breezy had Swedish fish and Sassy had skittles) plus popcorn plus soda. Can we say sugar overload?!?!

Then as if that wasn't enough, after the movie he told them they could get ice cream from Baskin Robins 31 Flavors. I told them no. I heard Sassy tell him I said no and then he told her that he didn't care what I said. So, I gave the girls a choice; get your ice cream now but there will be no more sugar or snacks tonight. OR don't have ice cream and we can have Popsicles or what have you for dessert after dinner. Breezy chose ice cream. Sassy chose dessert after dinner.

The best part of the whole day was after the ice cream and Mr. A asked the girls what they wanted to do now and I asserted that it was 5 minutes away from his 5 hour allottment and that it was time to head to the parking lot. No one argued. No one cried. Though Mr. A did look put out. In the past when they have been with him all day and/or it is very late when he leaves the tears flow, the crying ensues, the sniffles persue long after he has gone but TODAY. OH SWEET TODAY. We buckled the girls in the car at 3:58 and the girls grabbed their new toys and said, "Bye dad!" and we were off. No tears. No sadness. Just a good day (for the girls) not to be followed by extreme pain and withdrawal. YAY!




This makes me one happy mama.

I did suffer today though. In my attempt to have and maintain complete control over Mr. A and the girls and all situations regarding them, I completely LOST CONTROL OF MY EATING. Gone. Poof. Out the window. And it really started this morning before we even left the house. I fought with myself about eating breakfast at home vs. eating at IHOP. IHOP is not a trigger and a 'for me' omelette or a plain waffle with chopped bananas is totally on plan but I JUST COULD NOT DECIDE if I should eat there or home. Part of me decided I would eat there, so I ate nothing at home. Then when I arrived a scary thought passed through my mind. I have $3.00 to my name until Friday and what would happen if he left me with my portion of the breakfast bill if I ordered something. So, I didn't. What I did end up doing was getting so hungry that I ate the other half of Sassy's grilled cheese and some of Breezy's fries. That is where it all started and where sanity completely evaporated into thin air. The rest of the day was a food nightmare. Suffice it to say tomorrow's weigh in, yeah, not looking forward to it.

But it will happen. It's all a part of the journey. Learning. Progressing. Reverting. Learning some more and moving forward. 3 Steps forward 5 steps back. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. 1 step forward. As long as you keep attempting to move forward.

So, I will. This week will be a tough one. I need to really pull out the 'I'm In Control of the Food' card. Not the 'The Food is In Control of Me' card. Birthdays, Easter ... It will be a doozy and one way or another I will survive. One thing for sure though is that I am not missing any more Zumba. I told myself I would Zumba yesterday and didn't. Tomorrow first thing, Zumba. Wednesday, first thing will be Zumba. My mornings are not ever busy so it will always be started with Zumba. I can do this. I can get back on track.

OH AND THE DEPO IS LEAVING MY SYSTEM! I am so excited to not have to keep going in to get those shots!! WOOP! Perhaps once it completely leaves (providing I can stay on plan) the weight will come off a bit easier. For anyone who doesn't know, Depo is a synthetic estrogen that traps fat cells and not only makes it difficult to lose but actually makes you gain weight. So, we will see.

Now, that I have written a novel it is time to put my chillun in jammies, sing some songs, listen to them snore for a moment and then watch some Bones. Night peoples!

Just a Bundle of Holy Shit Nerves

I am sitting here at 11 o'clock at night. 

I don't want to be sitting here.

I want to be warm and asleep in my bed.

But I have a task to complete tonight.

And I am a friggin' basket case

My stomach is in knots

I have chills

Literal skin tingling and mind numbing chills

The sound of my phone vibrating sends me nearly into the roof

It's him

I don't want to talk to him

Which is precisely why I must

((pause to check text message))

Typical passive crap

He wants to go to breakfast

I want him to go jump off a bridge

I know that isn't realistic though

So I ask what else he would like to do after breakfast and he gets pissy

Of course he does

He doesn't know what else he wants to do

I need to get across to him a few things though

And I'm not sure how to lead into them

I need him to know

We won't be spending ALL DAY with him anymore

There is no US

And that he needs to be OK with all of that or ...

Well, or too bad really

So I ease into the school situation

The girls and I need a routine for when Sass starts school

We must be home by 6. Period

....

I pause because the conversation is getting ridiculous

I shall return to untwist my guts when he's done with his insanity

THE CONVERSATION IS TAKING A TURN INTO CRAPPY TERRITORY

Where he tells me he is asking something of me nicely

Which insinuates that he will ask not so nicely or try to force me if I don't comply

And I am writing a play by play basically because I am so agitated

If I distance myself, as though this is happening to someone else

Maybe I will be able to deal with it more rationally

I'm freezing

The stress is making me colder

My teeth are chattering

I have goose bumps everywhere

I just want him to stop talking

But he's still talking

And talking

And all he really says is blah blah blah

Nothing intelligent or of substance

He just wants what he wants because he wants it and thinks he deserves it

((deep breath - deep sigh))

Here it comes

"Don't take this as a threat, but I am going to find a lawyer who will let me have them more,"

Yes, he said it

He also said he is going to drop one of his jobs to do it

That's all nice and dandy but Sassy is starting school this year

And he has been a negligent parent

AGGHHHH

I'm okay

I will be okay

My girls will be okay

My nerves are absolutely shot

To smitherines

-----

Give him a little time and he always puts his foot in his mouth

Would you like to see them here at the house?
(This would not be abnormal)

NOPE, he says

Well, all righty then. And I'll be sure to note that.

I think I'll be okay

Nerves wise

Even though unfortunately he's STILL texting me

CRIMENY it's 11:58 DUDE!

Go to bed!

Cuz I sure am.

Goodnight bloggy people

Happy Monday!

(Without Mr. A)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I Don't Know What My Problem Is

I'm in a serious funk

I'm lethargic and cranky

This week has been a one day on one day off eating plan week

If I don't Zumba today it will be the third day this week that I haven't

Although one of those days that I didn't, I ran half a mile and then walked a couple more

So today would literally be the second day this week that I won't exercise

Except I am telling myself that I will

I am not proud

I am tired

This week is going to be crazy

Today - My mom's actual 45th birthday
We went to church
Went grocery shopping
We are going to make cupcakes for her

Monday - Day with Mr. A = Bleck

Tuesday - Celebrate my mom's 45th birthday

Wednesday - Shopping for my sister's 20th birthday party dinner
Making Tostadas de Tinga


Sorta kinda what it looks like only mine look better haha


Thursday - Celebrate my sister's 20th birthday

Friday - Good Friday and Easter egg coloring

Saturday - A BREAK! FINALLY

Sunday - Easter



It makes me tired just thinking about it

(Interlude to take a Washington State political survey over the phone)

Well that was fun... (PUKE) NOT

Anywaaaaayyyyyy

I guess I need to go bake cupcakes

Of which I will not partake

(Mostly because I used to be a strawberry cake fan but overdid it x 1000 some time back and haven't had a taste for it ever since)

On the bright side

I fit in another shirt I have not worn since 2010

YAY!


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Easter Hunt HELL

The idea as we started today off was that my gramma and I would dress my girls in their Easter dresses, mosey on over to the mall, take a few pictures with the Easter bunny, participate in the Easter Egg Hunt where over 10,000 eggs could be found and the children would frolic around the mall sniffing the proverbial daisies as they passed and then we would go get lunch and come home. 

Something like this, only inside a mall


Nice thought, right?

Yeah, that isn't what happened.

We arrived at the mall and ended up having to walk across the ENTIRE mall to where the egg hunt was being held. AND it turns out if you didn't pre-register you had to wait in a line like this.


If you cannot tell, the line extends behind me here, then down and into the mechanic's bay, around Sears and further into oblivion. The picture below is closer to the end of the line. I am standing up several people back from the blue van close to the building.


Mind you, we were probably the 100th 'group' of people in line, so to say the line was long would be like saying child birth is uncomfortable. In addition to having to stand in such a long line, the temperature was in the low 30's with wind chill of in the teens. The girls, as I mentioned before, were in their Easter dresses which are essentially sleeveless. Soooo, my gramma ended up taking them inside for pretzels while I continued waiting - and making friends with the girl in front of me who was there with her mother-in-law.

And thank God for that mother-in-law because what would have taken hours and hours to get through took only about 45 minutes when she went through the pre-registered line, lied (not that I condone lying) about herself and myself being pre-registered and got us the little foam shapes we needed to participate in the egg hunt. 


The girls were in the butterfly group and by this time it was 12:15 and their scheduled 'hunt time' was not until 1:15 so we went and got photos with the Easter Bunny.


And proceeded to play on  the mechanical cars, ice cream truck, trains and other random vehicles they had that took between 75 cents and $1.50 to operate EACH. Such a rip off for a 20 second ride.

Anywho, so around 12:45 we head back to the hunt area which is being held in a very small kids play area. There are security guards swarming everywhere. People are crowded around the small area and small children, assisted by their parents are collecting eggs and screaming and laughing. I thought, aww cool, this will be fun.

But when they announced the butterfly group who was set to be ages 3-6 they also announced that the kids would be hunting without their parents.

UH, SAY WHAT SAY WHAT???

To say I was a bit perturbed was an under statement. And apparently I wasn't the only parent. Suddenly there was a surge of 'butterfly' children toward the entrance to the play area, some accompanied by parents, and others (very small scared others) were not. I made sure Sassy and Breezy were tucked securely in front of me so they could beeline it into the play area and I was standing directly next to it in case of an emergency. 
BECAUSE THIS FAT CHICK WOULD HURDLE A 4 FOOT WALL TO SAVE MY BABIES IF I HAD TO. 
FO SHO.


But this shit was not funny. 
One little boy DID NOT want to go into the play area
He kept crying that he wanted his mama
But a lady next to me and myself, no matter how we tried
COULD NOT FIND HIS MAMA
And so instead of send him into the throngs of people to surely get lost 
I sent him into the play area (when they designated) 
HOPING his mama would be there when it was time for him to come out

In this photo you can see myself and my gramma. If you look at the large yellow butterfly hanging down from the ceiling and then immediately to the right. I am the dark haired women with the big blue boobs. haha (My shirt was green but it looks blue in the photo)
But as soon as they did let the kids in, there was chaos. 
Pure, freaky, scary, parents' worst nightmare type of chaos
Kids were getting trampled.
Literally run over 
Some kids stood there, not knowing what to do.
Many cried, many looked worried
Many kept looking around waiting for that moment their eyes would meet their parents' 
Other kids were stealing eggs and candy out of other kids hands. 
One poor little boy got punched in the nose and blood went everywhere. 
When his mom tried to get to him the security guard held her back
She tried to explain but he ignored her

WTF?!?!

Outside the play area things were not much better. 
A poor girl who looked about 11 was smashed against the play area's outer wall by a woman in a studded leather jacket. The younger girl started crying so I got her mom (who I had been talking to earlier) attention and gestured at her daughter. It was way too noisy to say anything. She told the studded leather jacket lady she was smashing her daughter and you know what studded leather jacket lady had the gall to say?

SHE WAS PUSHING ME!

First of all, lady, how old are you?
By the wrinkles around your mouth, the stained yellow of your teeth, the bags under your eyes and your bleached frizzy hair that belongs back in the 80s I would guess, uh, 50? 
But nah, you're probably a spring chicken around 30-35, right?

Second, who the hell cares if a small child is pushing you?
YOU DON'T PUSH BACK!
Dumbass

This all happened in under two minutes and by this time I was done.
I called for Sassy and Breezy 
In the way they know I call them and most kids won't respond, just them 
And they came and leaned against the wall
I was going to have them wait until the security guard would let them out but my gramma had a different idea and had shouldered past the security guard (seeing the drama and suffering going down) and told them she was getting her great grandchildren whether he liked it or not
Thankfully they came out physically unscathed 
But Sassy was bit mentally and emotionally overwhelmed
She had felt she needed to protect her sister 
And was very unsure of everything happening around her
Poor girl

Before I called Sass and Breeze back to me there they were. It was INSANE.
They are dead center of the photo just slightly toward the top behind the girl in pink pants and black shirt.
Right next to each other.

 If you want to read the horrific Facebook comments go

Anyway, after that drama we went to lunch at Nordstroms Cafe
And now we are home relaxing.

((deep breath, deep sigh))

Thursday, March 21, 2013

For A Moment Like This ...

I only have some photos to share in honor of my newest 'like' other than #hashtags themselves

#throwbackthursdays

Sassy and Breeze 2010

Sass with great papa 2010

Sass and Mama 2010

Breez 2010
Super Throwback
Papa and his girls
Circa 2003
(Easter Sunday)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Revelations of Kristen (Cuz That's Me)

So, I have been fighting with myself about this topic. I have felt completely out of sorts, and as listed in my LAST POST, there are various reasons why; that could range from hormonal to situational to just regressive habits. I have really been struggling with why I suddenly feel so down about my journey. Mind you, the feeling down part started today so it isn't like it has been festering much.

Today, all day, I have felt down. I kept telling myself that I was depressed that I gained almost a pound this week. But that just didn't sit well with me. I know what I did and what I didn't do to deserve that 0.8lb gain.
(and yes Mrs. Swan, it was actually 0.8 not 0.6. I booboo'ed... And I totally noticed that you stole borrowed my weight chart, and that is totally cool)

I know what I consumed, I know the exercise I did, I know everything there is to know about this weeks good and bad and everything in between and I am GOOD with my EFFORT.

And because I came to the realization that I am good with my effort and I don't feel like I am beating myself up over the minimal gain and I don't feel guilty and I don't feel like all is lost due to that gain, then what is causing this depression and the urges to sabotage everything?

I racked my brain all day and this is what I concluded:

  • It is NOT Dillweed. His presence thus far has been everything but unpleasant. Yes, just his presence is a bit of a stress to the little girl who lives deep in my brain and in my memories. Yes, I still harbor animosity. I won't lie and say that it has disappeared, but HE IS NOT THE REASON.
  • It is MOST LIKELY NOT Mr. A. I have put up with his antics for almost 12 years. I am no newbie to the games he plays, the mistakes he makes, the lies he tells, and the manipulation he tries to wield. Yes, it stresses me, but no, I do not feel that this is a factor in my issue today.
  • It is NOT my food choices. Yes, sometimes they could be better. There are days I feel that I eat too much processed crap and if I just cut it out then my calories would decrease significantly but there are days when I am fine with my consumption and I feel that I am doing very well. 
  • Part of the feeling down COULD be due to the depo provera leaving my system. For those of you who don't know, depo provera is an injectable birth control. It causes you to not ovulate nor have periods. Now that the hormone is leaving my system and I am on my first post shot menstruation, it is possible that my quasi depression is related to the hormone imbalance as my body tries to regulate itself. I am okay with that and I will NOT use it as a reason to stuff my face or binge. 
  • It is NOT ZUMBA. I still heart Zumba with everything in me. Dance is in my bones. I have felt it in my bones since I was a young girl watching the dance team of my junior high and high school from the bleachers. I used to think I had a strange tick, how every time I would watch them dance my hips and arms and shoulders would twitch. Now, I realize that it was just the unrecognized longing to be a part of what they were doing. I wish I had realized that sooner.
My ultimate conclusion occurred to me as I realized how much I still LOVE ZUMBA. How much I still crave the movement and want to do it all the time. This last week, I took myself COMPLETELY out of my safe little house comfort zone and not only attended a LIVE Zumba class for the first time in 2 years but I also attended a Yoli party which is COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR ME. I am essentially a solitary person by nature. I love the company of my family. I even occasionally love the company of friends and of course I love my communication with all of you in the world of blogging BUT I am essentially a loser LONER. I took myself so very far out of my comfort zone that I think my mind rebelled. OVERLOAD.

Too many things happening at one time in my life:
  • Arrival of Dill Weed
  • Mr. A and all that encompasses him (enough said)
  • A family friend's son being diagnosed with heart failure
  • A family member having serious surgery and then revision of that surgery
  • My mom's health (she potentially has MS but has not been officially diagnosed)
  • My grandfather's health (he is 65 and works like he's 25 as a general contractor with neuropathies, ulcers, migraines, hernias, a displaced clavicle, and a torn thigh muscle and those are just the health issues that pop into my brain at the moment - yet he works 10 hour days 6 days a week as if he were young)
  • In addition to all that I have the depo leaving my system
  • Stresses from realizing that my little girl is going into kindergarten
  • Stress from the neediness of my 3 year old who realizes her sister will be leaving her soon for a good portion of the day (essentially losing her best friend for a portion of the day)
  • Finances
  • World stress (gas prices, political crap, government crap, legal crap, etc)
And then I go and literally shove my hermit ass self out the door to a LIVE Zumba class where not only do I feel totally out of my element, but I don't know the dances that the other students have already been practicing for 5 weeks, so I push the hell out of myself and do every damn move to the very best of my ability and end up sore for 4 days. THEN as if that isn't bad enough I shove myself out the door again to go to a Yoli party. I don't go to parties. And I was bummed that I wasn't financially capable to buy the product. However, in all fairness I loved it; the party and the product. I loved going and I loved learning about how our bodies work. But I need to wait until life is a little less overwhelming to start branching out and taking on too much.

Thus, I have decided:

  • No LIVE Zumba EVERY WEEK. Just maybe 1 or 2 times a month.
  • No more parties. It is much more important that I am home with my babies
  • I MUST ENJOY THIS JOURNEY AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY LOVE FOR IT. 

Last time, I allowed myself to work too hard for too long and I burned out. I let others' expectations of me become sovereign in my life and when I couldn't meet their standard I felt like a failure. I pushed myself to do LIVE Zumba way too often and when my body begged for a break I told it no and I literally burned myself out and when I did that, I turned back to my best friend; food. 

Not this time. 

I am recognizing where I need to 'shave off the fat' so to speak. 

This.Is.Not.A.Race. 

This.Is.Life

I only have one and if I burn myself out in every endeavor I seek I will always feel like a failure.

Not this time.

This time, I will take it slow. 

This time, I will enjoy the journey.

THIS TIME I WILL SUCCEED.

Week 11 Weigh In, Progress Photo and Measurements


+0.8lbs

I didn't expect THIS
I did expect a small loss though
Due to Tuesday's eats
And yesterday's sodium intake
 ((sigh))

Measurements remained the same
THUS
No progress photo
Because there is no purpose to a NON progress photo, right?

It has been a confusing time this past week.

I could blame this plateau on many things.

  • Tuesday of last week I had a very high calorie day that left my weekly average on the high end (this is the most likely reason for my gain)
  • I ran yesterday and my muscles are super duper extra sore (yeah, probably not the reason)
  • The depo is leaving my system and I got my period (bloat? Haha, what a cliche excuse)
  • Dill Weed returned and caused my stress levels to spike (yada yada)
  • Mr. A non comunicato and then dealing with him yesterday caused me stress levels to spike further (yada yada some more)
  • Mr. A had us eat at a Chinese buffet last night and while I ate 'well' with no extra sauces and correct portion size, it was still most likely sodium laden. (This is a legitimate possibility because I am swollen today but I WILL NOT use it as an excuse because I DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT there)
BUFFET EATS INCLUDED

Sauteed Mushrooms
8 Pieces crab roll (1 entire roll)
half filet of baked salmon
A few pieces of chicken (maybe 1.5-2oz)

All in all I am not beating myself up. Some think of this as a race, others a marathon. I think of this as my life. I am doing well. I am doing so much better than I was 11 weeks ago when every day was a Easter Hunt to find as many crappy, fatty, high calorie, MSG, GMO riddled foods as I could to stuff in my mouth. I am no longer that person. 

Forward, right?

Right

Because I WILL NOT GO BACK

Monday, March 18, 2013

I Ran

A half mile . . . Ran . . . Not jogged . . . All out ran . . . I was chasing my daughters . . . It felt good.

Now I have to go see Mr. A because the girls want to.

I don't want to.

That makes me sad.

Boo

But tomorrow is weigh in! Yay!

And that is all . . .

Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Strange Sort of Sunday

Mr. A has not been communicating with me. There are a many number of reasons I suppose why this could be:

  • He found this little blog and has read what I've written (If you're reading, HI, haha) and was offended by it
  • He perhaps realized I have a Facebook account that he is not attached to
  • He seems to get his feel feels hurt if I am not overly attentive when he texts or calls which I have not been. 
  • He got pulled over for some reason or another and is in jail for driving with a cancelled out of state license and no insurance
  • He just is giving me what he thinks is a 'dose of my own medicine' by ignoring me
I don't know. Maybe it is one or none of those reasons. Regardless, he hasn't communicated with me since yesterday morning which is NOT NORMAL. He usually texts me at every break and calls before, between and after each shift. (Yeah, I know. Can you say overkill? I never asked him to do this. He just does it. Or did it. ) However, I must admit I am a bit relieved. I have been overwhelmed by him lately. Overwhelmed by being torn between a rock and a hard place with him. If he decides to stop communication with me, it essentially gives me an 'easy way out'. Which is good by me. 

I was going to let the girls play outside today because the sun was out on our way to church and on our way to breakfast after church. However, as soon as we started toward home it started pouring. So we went to our local superstore and they played in the kids play area while I tried on some clothes. Here are some pictures of my 'window shopping' session.

This is what I wore today (with a green over jacket for St. Patrick's day) 
This shirt and the jacket are 3X and the pants are size 28W. 
They are too big for me but they were all that was clean.


This is what the pants look like
See? Too big


This was the first shirt I tried on. The white tank underneath is mine and is a 2X
This shirt is a 3X and is obviously too large but they didn't have a 2X to compare it to


This is the second shirt I tried on
I think it was a 3X 
which just shows how different styles, makes, fabrics and country of origin 
changes the dimensions of any given size


This shirt was a 2X and I really liked it except for the horizontal stripes around my lower stomach
I felt like it made me look even wider than I already am


This is how close I am to getting into size 24 jeans
Soon! 
I have some at home so I am anxiously awaiting the day I can button and zip then
When I can that will bring me 5 sizes down from where I started


Gotta love the rolls the tight pants only enhance in the back and the chunky upper arms.
Just shows I have a ton of work ahead of me
But I am embracing it
It is all a part of the journey


I also tried on an Under Armour Sports Bra
I would have totally love it
It fit great, felt great, was my favorite color
But when I adjusted the girls they looked AWFUL
(See next photo)


You can totally see that I have lost weight in my boobs because they aren't full anymore
They are paper thin and wrinkle up instead of just sitting up when pressed against me


And the even lovelier view from the side
Yeah, not so pretty and definitely not something I would wear under my clothes to exercise in


I bought Rise of the Guardians, some fresh strawberries and some whipped cream for the girls to enjoy on this rainy, grey day. I had some of them as well and a Fiber One Coconut Almond Bar in addition to my breakfast/lunch which was breakfast potatoes, two eggs over medium and a biscuit with 2TBSP strawberry jelly. I am sitting around 1200 calories right now (because yes my breakfast and lunch were combined and restaurant food is NOT calorie friendly) So, I have approx 300-500 calories left to play around with for the day. Not a ton, but not impossible.

I am thinking about changing my weigh in day to Mondays. My main reason for this is because starting in the fall (September) when Sassy starts kindergarten she will be going Tuesday, Thursday and every other Friday and with all the rush rush of a new schedule, I thought Mondays (or Wednesdays) might be a good day since they will be an 'off school' day. What do you all think? Should I maintain my Tuesday weigh ins or change it for Mondays (or Wednesdays) when there won't be so much going on?

Bringing the topic back around to Mr. A, as you all know Mondays are the days he sees the girls. What with his non communication with me, I am wondering if he plans on seeing them tomorrow. Hmmm
This ought to be interesting. 



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...