Monday, January 20, 2014

Caffeine Induced Reflection and an Invitation

I have been reflecting a lot lately on my life, my fears, my beliefs and my future
Anyone who has lived more than 25 years knows
That there are literally different chapters in life
I can very clearly label specific chapters in my own

Chapter 1: 
Birth to 6 years old, living with my grandparents up to the point when my mom married my step dad
Chapter 2: 
6 years old to 9 years old living in apartment after apartment hearing abusive and horrible fights between my mom and step-dad
Chapter 3: 
A short but evolutionary chapter that defined much of who I am, lived between the ages of 9 to 11, moving to Washington from California mid school year as my mom prepared to divorce my stepdad, my great grandma being diagnosed with cancer and then moving back down to California upon my mom and stepdad's reconciliation. My great grandma's death
Chapter 4: 
11 to 14 years of age. My rebellious years. My attention needing years. 
Chapter 5: 
A short stint  from 14 to 15 dealing with a 42 count felony (not my own), betrayals, attorneys, courts, jail sentences, testimonies, victim's advocate groups, therapy and guilt and sadness
Chapter 6: 
I met my future husband and chapter 6 extends all the way from the age of 15 to the age of 20 focused on him and finally deciding he was who I wanted to marry
Chapter 7: 
In an epiphany that I would eventually fail to remember I fled California to Washington to get away from the man I decided I wanted to marry. Only six months later would we reunite, temporarily shoving the lessons of the past into the closet and under the carpet to fulfill immediate superficial needs
Chapter 8:
Living in Mexico, teaching English, being lonely, and waiting on legal papers ... always waiting
Chapter 9: 
From the age of 22 when I returned home from Mexico and got married until the age of 24 when I became pregnant.
Chapter 10
I no longer defined the chapters of my life by my own age but by the ages of my daughters. Chapter 9 lasted until Sassy was a little more than 1 and Breezy was 3 months old. 
Chapter 11: 
I left my husband and moved in with my family
Chapter 12: 
I pined and cried and tried so hard to repair what was emotionally irreparable between him and me. Chapter 11 lasted 2 years
Chapter 13: 
I still found myself pining and crying and trying hard to repair the irreparable between us even though I proceeded with finalizing our divorce. Chapter 12 would last 2 more years.
Chapter 14: 
I finally realized that what is broken can be fixed, but what was never whole could not be restored and my pining waned and my trying ceased. I am in the middle of Chapter 14 of my life and the mildly obsessive compulsive part of my brain finds it delightfully coincidental that we are also in the year 2014
Is this the beginning of my 15th chapter?

I lost 2.6lbs today at Weight Watchers
((insert ridiculous happy dance here))
In August (or was it July?) when I began Weight Watchers 
it took me almost 10 weeks to lose 20lbs
Now, since the new year I have lost 15 in 3 weeks
I am deeply motivated by this
and only pray that the momentum will continue

I am relying heavily on prayer (my own and the prayers of my family and friends)
for God to give me peace of mind
There has been this invisible war raging on inside my mind
And I have to stop on a pretty frequent basis 
to pray that God will remove the thoughts that do not belong
the sad thoughts
the fearful thoughts
the hateful thoughts
the judgmental thoughts
the 'unclean' thoughts
It often feels like the closer I cling to Him
the more I am targeted by the enemy


James 4:7 


Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Yesterday at church
When I went to pick up my girls from Sunday school
I was handed an orange flier from both classes that announced
that both classes would be reciting 'The Shepherd's Prayer' in the sanctuary the following month
I asked Breezy's teacher if she needed me to help her study 
And the woman pressed her lips together and closed her eyes while shaking her head
And she said, "Nah, she already knows it."
I thought that was pretty cool
So, on our way from church to breakfast I asked Sassy if she knew it also
She said yes
and both girls began to recite 'The Shepherd's Prayer'
As the verses went on my amazement grew
I did not know that they had been studying it
Nor did I know a 4 and 5 year old were capable of memorizing such scripture
But they knew every word and every hand motion
And I was impressed to tears
In case you do not know the prayer/verses
It is as follows:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures:
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I will fear no evil: 
for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: 
you anoint my head with oil; 
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
psalm 2

To hear their beautiful little voices recite this entire passage so smoothly
Literally brought tears to my eyes and choked me up
I had no way to answer when Sassy said, 
"Mama why are your eyes red? You look like you're crying."
She could see me in the rear view mirror from where she sat in the back seat
I could only respond how beautiful the verse was and how proud I was of them

I will leave you with their cute faces but on one last note,
I LOVE COMMENTS
If you have read through this post and are a visitor
or a regular reader
or a lurker
or someone who just happened upon my blog
or if you are visiting from another blog
please say hi and tell me about yourself
and if you have your own blog tell me what it is so I can check it out!
Thanks and God bless!





3 comments :

  1. It seems you have picked up the pieces several times and made the best of things. Without Jesus what would we do? I know as you draw upon His strength all the best will come your way. Take care.

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  2. Love your blog, frequent reader! Your future is headed down the right path! So happy for you & your girls!

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  3. I identify with a lot of what you went through, particularly about your marriage. I stayed in an abusive marriage for 21 years because I believed in "until death do you part" and I had to know I did all I could do to make it work. With time, after my divorce, I saw how down I had been all those years and now I feel so healed and whole. I think you will find that as you heal. My blog is www.500daystowhereiwanttobe.blogspot.com. I'd love to have you check it out.

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