Monday, January 6, 2014

Memorial Box Monday - My Angel Baby

I have one picture of my angel baby
His name would have been Nicholas Michael
I think he would have been beautiful
Like his sisters

I will never forget the morning I found out I was pregnant with him
We had been trying for going on 1 year
I had one pregnancy test left for that cycle
I was sure it was another failed one
I wanted to get rid of that test
So I peed on it and left it sitting on the sink to get ready for work

When I returned to the sink to brush my teeth 
My eyes must have bulged out of my head
There on the dollar store rectangular plastic box's 'test window'
was a faint second pink line
I flipped out
I was so excited I was crying

At work it was all I could think about
During my lunch I went to the local Walmart
Bought a digital pregnancy test
The kind that says 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant'
And it barely took any time for that 'Pregnant' to pop up
I called my mom bawling
And devised a beautiful way to tell my husband

That night I bought a box and placed the digital pregnancy test inside
I wrapped it like a present
When he got home I told him I had a surprise for him
And I videotaped him as he opened the present
He was confused at first
He was looking at the wrong side of the test
I told him to flip it around
And the smile that broke out over his face still gives me chills at the memory

I scheduled my blood tests to make sure my hcg levels were doubling properly
I scheduled my first ultra-sound
I never got the second blood test
I honestly don't remember why
When the ultra-sound date arrived I was ecstatic
My husband and I got ready and went out for breakfast 
Then we drove to the clinic

Upon walking in though, a (intuitive) sense of dread came over me
I didn't want to have the ultra-sound there
It was dark
It wasn't welcoming
But against my better judgement 
I went in with the nurse
I peed in a cup and my pregnancy was confirmed
I then went into the exam room
My husband followed, holding my hand the entire time
My apprehension was a solid brick in my chest

The topical ultra-sound couldn't even find my baby 
who should have been more than visible if I was at the 8 weeks gestation that I knew I was
The internal ultrasound couldn't find him either
She searched my fallopian tubes to see if I had an ectopic pregnancy
Nothing
Just nothing
The nurse tried to reassure me that sometimes it was too early
Or that maybe I had gotten my last menstrual cycle date wrong
She told me to schedule a 12 week ultra sound and said goodbye
My husband and I left with confused and aching hearts

I scheduled a 12 week ultrasound with a different clinic
And then I went and had my blood drawn again
My numbers were still high
But not as high as they thought they should have been
Again I was told that maybe I had gotten the date wrong
I knew I hadn't

The date of the 12 week ultrasound arrived
I went by myself because my husband had to work
This place was welcoming
Comforting
Calming
But I still knew in my mind what I was going to find
The ultra-sound technician was sweet and funny
It didn't take her long to find him
A beautiful little bean
A perfect little baby
A big head and little legs
But no heartbeat

Because I was overweight 
she thought that maybe the equipment they had was not strong enough to detect the heartbeat
But this mama knew that wasn't the case
I had been trying to get pregnant for going on a year
I had studied the process of making a baby
And being pregnant with a baby
in every book and Internet forum and article I could find
I knew my baby had been taken to live with angels

I had one more ultra-sound to confirm at a high risk pregnancy center a week later
And my obstetrician suggested that because my body was not miscarrying naturally
That I should have a D&C
I hated hated hated the idea of that
But God knew what He was doing
And the night before my scheduled D&C 
He allowed my body to pass everything naturally
And though deeply saddening
Was not as heart wrenching as the alternative
The aches, the pain, the cramps
Were a sort of closure
It was a cleansing experience

This small time in my life was the hardest I ever had to endure
I cried rivers
and prayed 
and thanked God for his blessings
and I asked Him why
Often
But I never blamed Him
My motto in life is, everything happens for a reason
And it is true
Everything happens for His reasons



She is that reason
I became pregnant with her the month after I miscarried
And I often think about how if Nicholas had been born
I wouldn't have my beautiful Sassy 
It is a very somber thought for me
To think that a baby I loved inside my womb
Who I wanted more than anything
Had to die so that the love of my life
My beautiful Sassy
Could be born 

And she has made my life rich
She has taught me so much about being a better person
A better woman
A mother

But Nicholas
My sweet angel baby 
Who never got a chance to take a breath
Who walked out Heaven's gates only to be called back at the very last minute
"Wait," I can imagine the angels saying. "God decided he wanted you here more."



But even though I never saw his face
I never held him
I never heard him cry
My son taught me 
Compassion
Empathy
Love
A mother's love
The unconditional, heart wrenching, out of body love 
that only a parent can feel for their child
Nicholas gave me that
And he opened the gates of Heaven for Sassy
God knows what He is doing

When Sassy was two years old
She spoke very eloquently
She never had trouble pronouncing letters
Or had a lisp
And by two her sentences were very complex (for a 2 year old)
One day
knowing nothing of her brother's existence
knowing nothing other than Breezy as a sibling
She turned to me
And in a moment that still brings tears streaming down my face
said in her two-year-old-speak,
"Mama, I had a brother.'
I laughed at how matter of fact she was 
and thought fleetingly how cute it was that she thought Breezy was her brother 
But then I corrected her,
"No, you have a sissy. Breezy is your sister."
She corrected me.
She knew what she was talking about.
I just needed to listen.
"No Mama. I have a brother in heaven."
I stopped, speechless and she continued as she played with her dolls
Unaware of how intently she held my attention
Or that tears had begun to stream down my face
"He has blue eyes and curly black hair and he died when he was 3 months old."
Goosebumps still run up along my arms when I remember her little voice telling me this
You see, 
the reason I miscarried was most likely to a defect that would have caused blindness
(blue eyes)
among other abnormalities
And when he died he measured 12 weeks
Three Months
"Is that so?" I asked her through a choked up voice
She nodded and carried on playing as if what she said was of no consequence
It just simply was

To this day I believe my angel baby Nicholas
Opened the gates of Heaven to walk back inside
And passed Sassy on her way out
 And with his perfect blue eyes I can imagine him winking at her
Or smirking that silly smirk both my girls have
When they get to do something special
As if saying
Go be with mom. I'll stay here with God and I'll see you on the flip side.

So that one photo that I have of a baby with a head that is abnormally large 
and a body that is still so small
with little tiny arms and legs
and no visible heartbeat flutter
Means the whole world to me
I keep it tucked away

And one day I will go to Heaven to see him
And his curly black hair
And his perfect blue eyes
And I will hold him for the first time
And I will tell him I love him
And thank Him for allowing Sassy to come in his place



Linny over at A Place Called Simplicity hosts Memorial Box Monday
If you are looking to be motivated, 
inspired, 
in awe of such a beautiful family 
or especially if you want to be driven in God's direction please go visit her there.




3 comments :

  1. Thank you for sharing such a personal and touching story. Happy New Year :)

    J

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just found your blog from A Place Called Simplicity. Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful story. I am deaply touched by it. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, but it is true that God works ALL things for the good of those who love him!

    Blessings,
    Brittany

    ReplyDelete
  3. *sniffle* Thank you for sharing that. I can't tell you how this story touched my heart.

    ReplyDelete

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