Monday, January 6, 2014

The Anchor is Heavy - with FEAR?

Two posts in one day
It's been a while since that happened
But I have some things on my mind
And what better way to release stress and get it off my chest
than to blog about it

In my last post I talked about the ex being an anchor of negativity
And there are days when I barely feel that tug
But today some rumors have been flying around
that he is interested in someone new

I am sure most would probably think, okay so?
And if I were a third party bystander I would probably say the same
I really don't know what I'm feeling about it though
I don't really think I'm jealous
I don't really think I'm sad or angry
I'm not upset
Nor am I really very surprised

I never expected him to spend the rest of his life pining for me
Not only is that completely unrealistic
And not only would that make me a sociopath
It just simply isn't something I would want for him
Because at one point I did love him
And truth be told, once you love someone
You always care for them
Even if you no longer love them the way you once did

I want him to be happy
I want him to find someone who can provide for him what I never could
I want someone who will cook for him
Clean for him
Have the same beliefs and morals as him
I want him to have what he wants
What he needs

So why am I even giving the idea a second thought?
Perhaps it's because I have never been with anyone else
And the idea that the one person I have ever loved
being with someone else
is a little beyond my grasp at the moment
Maybe it is a fear of finally being completely
to do what I want
act how I want
say what I want

Do I even know who that is?
My entire life I have lived to be someone to someone else
Until I was15 I was simply daughter
Do good in school
Don't get in trouble
At 15 I became girlfriend
Do good in school
Don't get in trouble
Make time for him
Do what he likes
Don't do anything that makes him unhappy
I remained that girlfriend for 6 years
Then I became wife
And suddenly my role changed
But my responsibility to and for someone else seemed to grow
Suddenly it was
Go to work
Make enough money to help pay the bills
Make time for him
Do what he likes
Don't do anything to make him unhappy
Let him do what he likes to do without you
But be there for him when he gets home
Then in 2008 I became mom
Responsible for everything above
And then another human life
to feed, change, love, nurture and care for this new life
Since 2008 I have been mom x2
Doubling the previous responsibilities to other people
So now, in 2014 when one person who has been my whole life
up to 2011
and then off and on until July 2013
To be FREE from that
Is scary
It's scary
The more I think about it
The more it rings true

I am scared of this FREEDOM
I am scared of the time that I now have to be responsible to and for me
No more excuses that I have too much on my plate
I don't
I have my daughters
Who I still feed and love and nurture and care for
But there is a piece of the pie
Where the ex husband used to be that I can fill in now
with more time spent with the girls
more time dedicated to their growing up
and more time dedicated to me

And THAT is something I have never really done
dedicated myself to me
really and truly
cared for me

THAT is some scary shizz

On a lighter note
Some photos
of a new clock, frizzy sissies and lazy kitties

See how their hairs are sticking to the backs of their chairs.
It's like static city in here
And every time we touch anything we get shocked

Mr. Pierce is such a pretty kitty
Shhh, don't tell him I said that
It would bruise his macho ego 
 Miss Emmy likes to sleep in the blinds
It's cute
Until she breaks the bamboo blinds
Then it's not so cute
 My new clock
It's a Christmas clock
But the reindeer antlers kinda reminded me of Starbucks
I like the way it looks

1 comment :

  1. Christmas or not, love the clock! And a cure for the static? A humidifier. A small room one or put on a small pot of water on low and it will slowly add humidity. :) Anyways, been out of town with some family stuff and catching up on blogs. Still behind, but working on it. Wanted to say your last few blogs have been really evolving and... I like it! I know it's a lot of change and scary, but just know that God is leading you to your true heart and your true future. When you listen and really discover you, you will find a man that will be your equal and not someone to cater to. And it will be ok if he is sometimes unhappy or you are sometimes unhappy -- that is normal. But most of the time you will be happy. God knows who this is and the right time is coming. ((hugs)) to you as you continue on this journey!


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