Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Rome wasn't Conquered in a Day

But yesterday was a day I conquered. Loaded up Myfitnesspal with my new data because it had been a while since I actively used it. Changed the starting weight and have been putting in my foods. Yesterday I succeeded in staying below my allotted calories. Today, so far, I have as well. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and wanted to vomit from the number I saw. But when I stepped on the scale this morning (because yes, I am a servant to the scale) I was already down 7lbs which tells me just how much sodium and crap I was consuming to have lost that much water retention with just one day of eating well.

In other news, I am sick. I have avoided truly getting sick for quite a while. In fact I don't think I have been truly sick sick in over a year. But today I woke up with fiery hot glass shards in my throat, a throbbing headache behind my left eye, achy muscles and joints, as well as severely swollen sinuses. Well played flu ... it finally caught me. So, I have been hydrating and trying to drink a lot of tea because the heat helps my throat. Apple Cinnamon from Celestial Seasonings is my favorite. It requires no honey or sweetener. It tastes amazing all by itself.

Facebook has really been getting on my nerves lately. I am unsure if it was the scripture I posted (tried to post and found later it had been removed) or if I am 'commenting' or 'liking' too much in too short a time (that has happened before) but suddenly they are moderating what I post. I don't like that. Not even a little bit. A suspicious part of me wonders if a person on my friends list who is annoyed by my Bible verses or Bible Memes reported me... Then again, maybe I just use Facebook too much. Anything is possible right?

I am quite possibly the most jealous person on the planet right now (okay, not really but I am jealous)... My sister is turning 21 on Saturday and is taking a three day trip to Disneyland with her boyfriend. I am so excited for her to get to go because she didn't get to go with us in October, but on that same note there is never a time I don't feel a twinge of I WANNA GO TOOOOOOO!, when someone I know goes. Half because it is the most magical place on earth and half because it is my HOME. And I don't just mean Anaheim and surrounding areas. I would live at Disneyland if it were permitted. Regardless of the price it might cost, I would find a way. I LOVE LOVE LOVE DISNEYLAND.

And on that note, some photos to leave you with:

We (my mom, my sister and I) celebrated my mom's 23rd birthday (x2) by eating at a traditional Moroccan restaurant in Portland where we sat on 'poofies' or 'toad stools' or 'pillows' (okay, pillows is what they're actually called) Our hands were washed at our table and then we were served our 5 course dinner (actual photos of the restaurant can be found HERE) starting with delicious lentil soup and then tabouli salad and bread, followed by Pastilla (which I did not care for - in fact I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom in fear I might toss my cookies..errr pastilla) followed by the main dish which for my sister was vegetarian breka, my mom had spicy couscous and I had tagine of chicken honey and prunes. This was very good and we all shared a little. It was served without silverware so it was definitely interesting trying to scoop the couscous with your fingers. After the main course our hands were cleansed with rose-water and mine definitely needed to be after picking through the chicken. They then served dessert (an almond flavored tart-thing) and this delicious sweet tea. It was amazing. Unfortunately we were unable to see the belly dancers. They started at 7:45 and we finished dinner at 7:15. We might have waited the extra half hour except it was pretty packed and we didn't want to keep a table since we weren't still eating. Afterward we went to Voodoo Donuts (omygod the best donuts in the world) and then home. It was so fun.

Mr P and Daisy (my aunt's golden retriever) are special buddies. Whenever they take her for a walk she comes to 'visit' Mr. P and he head butts her and rubs all over her and she whines and sniffs him and rubs on him too. It is quite comical because Mr P is a dog lover and Daisy DOES NOT LIKE CATS. The minute she leaves our house if she sees a cat outside she goes nuts trying to get at it. She doesn't seem to mind Emma though and that is good even though Emma won't get within 20 feet of THE DOG. haha

Also, if you have a moment please pray for Miss Daisy. She had to have a fatty mass removed from behind her front leg and it was deeply entwined in the muscle so she is having a bit of difficulty recovering. We need prayer that the internal bleeding stops and the healing begins. Thank you!!

Emma's sexy seductive pose
Come hither prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Breezy had her kindergarten roundup orientation last week
She's ready to be a big kindergartener next year while Sassy moves up to 1st grade
My babies aren't babies anymore
((insert sob))

And a photo of us on the Columbia River
No, really. We were on it because the runoff from the mountains has been so plentiful and the tide is so high there was literally no beach where usually there is at least a good 30 feet of sand to wander through until you get to the water.  The editing makes the water look far away but in reality it's really only about 10 feet away. Craziness ...

And how about Breezy's hat? She is such a nut.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Time to Face the Music

It has been more than 4 years


More than 48 Months

More than 208 Weeks

More than 1424 Days

Since I lost 55lbs in 2010

It has been 8 months

32 weeks

224 days

Since I started Weight Watchers with my mom

More than 4 years ago on January 1st 2010

I weighed

25lbs LESS than I do today

This brings tears to my eyes

Frustration and sadness and complete lack of control make me want to grab hold of my hair 
and shake myself 
until I get it

If I don't stop NOW



I have been eating myself into a coma of numbness

I have eaten to the point of actually needing to vomit 
so that there wasn't still food in my esophagus

My migraines are rampant

I am constantly tired


Tomorrow I am going to go out and buy a new scale
(my old one died)

Tomorrow I will try again

Because that is all I can keep doing

Fall down time and time again

But always get up one more time than you fall

I am not going to make empty promises
(I have done it over and over and I am even sick of myself and my lack of ability to stick to what I say I will do)

I am not going to make weight loss goals

Instead, I am going to take it one day, 
one hour, 
one minute if necessary at a time
(This will be my goal)

I can't be this person anymore

I can't live my life not enjoying anything because of how horrible I feel

How insecure I feel

How sick I feel

How tired I feel

How out of place I feel

Physically and emotionally

The cycle must end


And tomorrow is a new day

Sunday, March 9, 2014

. . . Just Around the Corner

I am writing this down as I think of it because I am always asking myself the same question;

I am uncomfortable in my own skin
I own 8 pairs of jeans and only 1 pair fit (barely)
Heartburn and horrid indigestion
Always feeling full 
(I actually prefer the sensation of being hungry than being too full but I always remember too late)
More frequent stomach and headaches
More frequent external yeast infections
Hormonal imbalances that cause hot flashes and mood swings

And that is why I have started again
Calorie counting
Attempting to eliminate gluten to see how it affects me

And on a last happy note:

I bought Breezy some ABC flashcards 
4 sets 
and she is learning her ABCs very successfully now 
by playing the games go fish and match!! 
So excited for my girl to finally get it!!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

... After the Long Pause

I haven't written in a long time. Who knows, it may take me forever and a day just to write THIS post. So much has happened and yet so little at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how open I should be on this blog. I wonder who is reading it and a special little paranoid part of me thinks, why do I open up for the public to read everything I think and say and do? And I've come to the conclusion that it is a lot because it is cathartic and helps me work things out of my head and a little because I am insanely self obsessed/vain/narcissistic/ and any other synonym you can think of...?

So, I met someone online recently and he was perfect in every.flippin.way. And you know what they say about a thing that seems too good to be true. It usually is. Well, Murphy's Law didn't happen this time. He WAS perfect. Everything we talked about and agreed on and the fantastic conversations we had and I was blown.A-way. He was the first person since the ex (and no, I don't mean anything more than he was the first person I was interested in) I even met him in person and he was awesome! If you have been paying attention to this paragraph there are a lot of WAS' you can guess things didn't work out. BUT it wasn't because of him. It was because of ... me. I've come to the conclusion I am not ready for a relationship. As much as I crave the approval of a male person, as much as I crave the relationship and the intimacy and the connection ... I'm.Not.Ready. And that was very difficult for me to let him know.

Sassy has been doing extra-ordinarily well in school receiving honors awards and the highest compliments from her teacher. Breezy on the other hand is struggling. Going into kindergarten the private school they attend requires that they recognize 20 letters and can count to 20. She can count to 20 without an issue. She's a total math-head which I don't understand because I HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE and any other synonym you can think of ... math. But she just has the hardest time recognizing her letters. She has A and X down. Even O she calls zero though. I have decided going through 4 letters a week will help her and so flash cards and a bunch of letter games were purchased. We even bought a sticker chart for her so she can add stickers next to the letters she recognizes. But she just.isn't.interested ... Which hurts my mommy-heart because I want her to succeed. I don't want her to be frustrated and I don't want her to have a hard time. Time will tell. She has until May to recognize 20 letters. I am hoping to achieve that in that amount of time.

Since I last wrote my weight has been up and down and up and down more than a roller coaster at Magic Mountain. I just can't seem to grab hold of the reins and keep hold of them. I always allow something to throw me off ... whether it be emotions or something yummy someone is cooking or just feeling rebellious. I am very frustrated with myself.

I am also frustrated because I have a zillion and a half projects to complete. I have to create a ice cream party basket for our school's silent auction. I promised my sister I would make her one year anniversary scrapbook for her and her boyfriend. I have other scrapbooks that are half finished and collecting dust. I have a butt load of laundry and cleaning that NEEDS so badly to be done but I just have no motivation. NONE. Zip ... And then I argue with myself that I don't need motivation. I NEED to just get off my butt and do it all. And then myself says no, go eat something it will make you feel better. GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The list of bah-humbug issues in my life continues - headaches that persist for days, insurance companies who are only now receiving a medical claim since December, Child Support Garnishers who hold funds because a modification that happened 4 years ago finally reached their (off seas) hands, Child Support Offices changed policies so custodial parents receive funds at different times completely messing up bills and such...

But the list of things I am thankful for is equally long ... My overall health and that of my girls and family, the house we live in, the clothes on our backs, the food we eat, the extravagances we are allowed (cell phones, cable, hulu, netflix, iPads, a car etc) Family and the love we have for each other, my church and church family and the fact that the girls love going. The school my girls attend and the person who loves us so much he pays their tuition, the Christian education being taught at that school, the wonderful teachers, the fact that even though Breezy may be having difficulty learning her letters that she is smart and motivated in all other areas. I am thankful for the sun when it peaks out from behind the clouds and the rain and the gray skies to remind me how much more appreciative I am of that sun. I am thankful for my gramma who gives me relief when I need it most from the load of being a mother (even if it's just for 20 minutes) and for my mom and sister who are my best frenemies... (joking!)  friends. And I am even thankful for the man I met who through no fault of his own showed me how much love I have for my girls and that I am not ready to share that love with anyone else in my life yet. Everyone enters and exits your life for a reason. To change your life or to have you change theirs.

And I just received a phone call that brightened my day ...

Breezy at my gramma's house : "Mama, guess what? I'm making a cake and practicing my numbers!!"
She then puts the phone away from her mouth and asks my gramma, "and what else?" then gets back on the phone. "And go ahead and pick up Sassy from school because I'm baking a cake and then momo will bring me home. I love you! Bye! " In her sweetest most excited voice.

This mama just melted.

Until next time ... (after I gather myself from off the floor)
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