Thursday, March 6, 2014

... After the Long Pause

I haven't written in a long time. Who knows, it may take me forever and a day just to write THIS post. So much has happened and yet so little at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how open I should be on this blog. I wonder who is reading it and a special little paranoid part of me thinks, why do I open up for the public to read everything I think and say and do? And I've come to the conclusion that it is a lot because it is cathartic and helps me work things out of my head and a little because I am insanely self obsessed/vain/narcissistic/ and any other synonym you can think of...?

So, I met someone online recently and he was perfect in every.flippin.way. And you know what they say about a thing that seems too good to be true. It usually is. Well, Murphy's Law didn't happen this time. He WAS perfect. Everything we talked about and agreed on and the fantastic conversations we had and I was blown.A-way. He was the first person since the ex (and no, I don't mean anything more than he was the first person I was interested in) I even met him in person and he was awesome! If you have been paying attention to this paragraph there are a lot of WAS's...so you can guess things didn't work out. BUT it wasn't because of him. It was because of ... me. I've come to the conclusion I am not ready for a relationship. As much as I crave the approval of a male person, as much as I crave the relationship and the intimacy and the connection ... I'm.Not.Ready. And that was very difficult for me to let him know.

Sassy has been doing extra-ordinarily well in school receiving honors awards and the highest compliments from her teacher. Breezy on the other hand is struggling. Going into kindergarten the private school they attend requires that they recognize 20 letters and can count to 20. She can count to 20 without an issue. She's a total math-head which I don't understand because I HATE/LOATHE/DESPISE and any other synonym you can think of ... math. But she just has the hardest time recognizing her letters. She has A and X down. Even O she calls zero though. I have decided going through 4 letters a week will help her and so flash cards and a bunch of letter games were purchased. We even bought a sticker chart for her so she can add stickers next to the letters she recognizes. But she just.isn't.interested ... Which hurts my mommy-heart because I want her to succeed. I don't want her to be frustrated and I don't want her to have a hard time. Time will tell. She has until May to recognize 20 letters. I am hoping to achieve that in that amount of time.

Since I last wrote my weight has been up and down and up and down more than a roller coaster at Magic Mountain. I just can't seem to grab hold of the reins and keep hold of them. I always allow something to throw me off ... whether it be emotions or something yummy someone is cooking or just feeling rebellious. I am very frustrated with myself.

I am also frustrated because I have a zillion and a half projects to complete. I have to create a ice cream party basket for our school's silent auction. I promised my sister I would make her one year anniversary scrapbook for her and her boyfriend. I have other scrapbooks that are half finished and collecting dust. I have a butt load of laundry and cleaning that NEEDS so badly to be done but I just have no motivation. NONE. Zip ... And then I argue with myself that I don't need motivation. I NEED to just get off my butt and do it all. And then myself says no, go eat something it will make you feel better. GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The list of bah-humbug issues in my life continues - headaches that persist for days, insurance companies who are only now receiving a medical claim since December, Child Support Garnishers who hold funds because a modification that happened 4 years ago finally reached their (off seas) hands, Child Support Offices changed policies so custodial parents receive funds at different times completely messing up bills and such...

But the list of things I am thankful for is equally long ... My overall health and that of my girls and family, the house we live in, the clothes on our backs, the food we eat, the extravagances we are allowed (cell phones, cable, hulu, netflix, iPads, a car etc) Family and the love we have for each other, my church and church family and the fact that the girls love going. The school my girls attend and the person who loves us so much he pays their tuition, the Christian education being taught at that school, the wonderful teachers, the fact that even though Breezy may be having difficulty learning her letters that she is smart and motivated in all other areas. I am thankful for the sun when it peaks out from behind the clouds and the rain and the gray skies to remind me how much more appreciative I am of that sun. I am thankful for my gramma who gives me relief when I need it most from the load of being a mother (even if it's just for 20 minutes) and for my mom and sister who are my best frenemies... (joking!)  friends. And I am even thankful for the man I met who through no fault of his own showed me how much love I have for my girls and that I am not ready to share that love with anyone else in my life yet. Everyone enters and exits your life for a reason. To change your life or to have you change theirs.

And I just received a phone call that brightened my day ...

Breezy at my gramma's house : "Mama, guess what? I'm making a cake and practicing my numbers!!"
She then puts the phone away from her mouth and asks my gramma, "and what else?" then gets back on the phone. "And go ahead and pick up Sassy from school because I'm baking a cake and then momo will bring me home. I love you! Bye! " In her sweetest most excited voice.

This mama just melted.

Until next time ... (after I gather myself from off the floor)

1 comment :

  1. You just found your 'in' for her learning letters. To be able to cook, she needs to be able to read. And to read, she needs to know letters. BAM! I understand about all the junk going on and I hope things get better. I have no advice, but I'm still here and still reading.

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