Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Moving Forward

This post has been a long time coming. The last time I wrote was more than a month ago. A month ago I was in a very different place, in a very different state of mind than I am now. To say I was low would be like saying the ocean is big. It just doesn't quite captivate the depth of what was truly going on. Yes, I was low. I was self-deprecating, self-loathing. I felt so empty. I felt like I had so much to offer and no realm to do it in, no one to receive it, no one who even cared to receive it and it made me feel hopeless.

There is little in this world that can manifest itself positively or negatively such as hope or the lack of it. They say that love makes the world go 'round, but I really think it's hope. Without hope it doesn't matter how much you love people or how much they love you. When you feel hopeless it is a chest pressing, gut twisting, suffocating existence. And that is where I was a month ago. Suffocating in my hopelessness.

I'm on the other side of that now. I have mourned what needed to be mourned. I have dove into it, examined it, autopsied it, dragged it through the muck and mire and come out on the other side realizing that even though the experience was necessary the catalyst for the depression was never really worth my grief. So, I have moved on and in the process of driving away from a place or situation sometimes you cannot help but look in the rear view mirror; to see the memory. Sometimes it makes you nostalgic and you have a fleeting moment of wondering why you left. But more often than not it is a reminder of the past that you never want to return to.

Summer has started here in the Pacific Northwest. I guess technically it is still spring but the weather feels like summer. HOT. HUMID. SUMMER. And I am thanking God for the sun. I am not sure I would have been able to pull myself out of my misery and self-pity if he hadn't allowed the sun to appear in this huge blue sky that is perpetually gray and wet for 290 days of the year. I am excited for new beginnings. I am hopeful - again, thank God that He has revived hope in my heart - and I am slowly progressing forward.

I am excited to go outside, which is new. Anyone who knows me, knows that nature and I just.don't.click. We are not friends. We are not frenemies. I.don't.like.going.outside, and yet here it is 80-90 degree days and I am outside walking with my family. I am enjoying watching my girls thrive in bathing suits and shorts and tank tops when for the last year all I have seen them in are warm pants, long sleeved shirts and down jackets. I love hearing the birds chirping in the morning, the crickets in the swales singing at night, the sound of lawnmowers and pressure washers and kids playing in the neighborhood. I have never enjoyed these things, like I am enjoying them now.

It brings tears to my eyes.

Having FINALLY let go of something that I have fought so hard to let go before (and even thought I succeeded a time or 100) and having finally released it into the air, into space and time for God to deal with is such a breath of fresh, revitalizing air.

My biggest little girl will turn 6 in 6 days. I am amazed at the quirky, spazzy, funny, witty, loving, waify, emotional and moody, but ever warm hearted and increasingly intelligent, gorgeous little girl I am raising. I am just.so.proud of her words cannot even describe it. And in exactly 2 months my littlest little will turn 5 and she is my spit fire on monster truck wheels. She is bull headed, and temperamental and heavy handed, and physically stronger than an ox, a say it like it is because anything else would be an insult to her intelligence kind of girl, but she is also sweet and endearing and speaks just a little bit off and says the cutest things that makes my mommy heart pump chocolate. They are my angels. I love them like no one could ever understand an unconditional love. There is nothing that I would not do for them or die trying. They.are.my.everything.

On that note, I want to make a goal of writing each day this summer, even if it is just a little something. I've already missed 2 days but it's never too late to make a goal. I look forward to it, like so much else in life right now.

Until next time ...  

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