Monday, July 14, 2014

I Flipped Her Off

I have sat here
For the good part of the last half hour
Feeling sad
Angry
Researching previous posts for inspiration
For validation
I want so badly to lay out the occurrences of this evening
But I know when I do
It will feel as petty and ridiculous as it actually is
And not half as life altering as it felt in the moment

First I ask that you go read THIS post 
and then come back to finish here
It will make much more sense
Especially for new readers

Revved up for some ridiculousness?

So, today was great at first
Church
Breakfast
Home
Relaxation
Then things very slowly began to unravel
My mom asked the girls to pick up their toys in the communal kitchen
No biggy
GIRLS, GO CLEAN UP YOUR TOYS LIKE NANA ASKED
Well, as Breezy was cleaning up her bazillion figurine horses
She stopped 
about halfway done 
and began to drag them in their bag to our apartment
My step dad stopped her and told her she hadn't gotten them all
And it wasn't exactly what he said
But in the tone that he said it
Honestly, that he interfered with her process at all really chapped my ass
I said so to my mom
I specifically told her
Tell your husband to leave my children alone 
Or hell will have no fury compared to what I unleash on him
**Can you tell he has been on my nerves lately?**
She said ok
I'm sure she was just patronizing me
To get me to shut up
Like usual
But also added that he was 
'Just cranky because of the mess in the kitchen,'
Which 'the mess in the kitchen' was implied to be mine
Even though it wasn't
I think I muttered something along the lines
"If something bugs him tell him to get off his ass and clean it up,"
I doubt she heard me

Later, after I had gone to the market to purchase dinner ingredients
I was happily making dinner in the kitchen
While my mom and step-dad ate fast food
Because they didn't want to wait for me to cook real food
And my mom said
"So I cleaned my kitchen." 
Emphasis on MY 
even though she never actually uses it - like to cook ((gasp))
She continued, 
"I need you to make sure the dishes are put away from the drying rack when you're done every day,"
I'm sure I gave her the most retarded expression and probably guffawed a little
BECAUSE I DO PUT MY DRIED DISHES AWAY EVERY DAY
I told her as much
But of course, I'm always wrong and I need to kowtow to her request
She insists that the same dishes are always there
And I have to explain they are always there because we reuse them over and over
while everyone else lets theirs corrode in the dish washer waiting for it to get full
She goes on to explain how I'm somehow 
lying?
evading the truth?
exaggerating?
I don't even know what she is telling me I'm doing
All I know is that
When I say I put the girls' and my dishes away
She doesn't believe me
I'm 30-effing-years old almost
I'm not gonna lie about that kinda shizz
Anyway
I finally submit
Because she will harp on me and break me down until I do
I say 'OOOKAAAAAAY' and I'm sure she didn't like my dramatics
And she pushes in again
She knows how to push me to tears
She knows how to get under my skin and tear me down
(which by the way is not something a mother should do to her daughter in my opinion)
So, when I DID start crying
She tells me to calm down
And not in a motherly way of, 
'Wow, I didn't mean to push you so far,"
But in a completely disgusted, "get over yourself," way
I told her point blank
"No."
I continued to cry as resentment sent my blood pressure through the roof
Crying is what I do for all emotions
Anger
Sadness
Happiness
Jealousy
I cry
She knows this 
And yet that is when WWIII happened
The bombs of Hiroshima and the nuclear warheads of the Middle East 
could not have provoked a bigger reaction from me than when she said,
"Kristen, you need drugs!"
Remember I had told her earlier
'Hell will have no fury compared to what I unleash on him', meaning my stepdad
Well, I unleashed it on her
I admit
I kinda flew off the handle
Every ounce of self control escaped me 
And all my pent up anger and resentment flooded out
through the tip of my middle finger in her face
and through my lips
And I used the word I have always abhorred
toward my mother
followed by
"I cannot believe you would tell me to take drugs with him living in this house,"
She apparently had no idea what I was talking 
or was so shocked at my profane words and gesture that it didn't register
so I elaborated.
"With the prescription drug addict living in our house,"
Shock turned to an expression of complete ridicule 
and she laughed at me
She told me I was being dramatic
She asked me if I preferred the word, 'downer' as opposed to 'drugs'
I honestly could not believe my mother was saying these things to me
I was in the middle of making my girls dinner
I was shaking
I couldn't breathe
My chest hurt
Tears kept welling in my eyes
I couldn't concentrate
What had I been doing?
What did I still need to do?
How could my mom say that to me?
How could my mom in a moment of anger tell me something was so wrong with me that I needed drugs to fix it?
The timer went off
My heart was beating a million miles an hour
Plates, I needed plates
In a stupor I filled my girls plates with their dinner
Poured their drinks
Gave them napkins 
and returned to the kitchen to finish cooking my dinner
I didn't even want to finish cooking it
My mom said some more things to me that I didn't hear because I felt numb
Shaking
and furious
and crying
and numb
I remember saying I didn't want to talk about it
And her saying, 
'Oh good then get out of my kitchen because I have nowhere else to go."
And so the beautiful steak tacos I had been making 
turned into a pile of meat on top of a clump of guacamole 
I didn't even taste it as I ate it in my room
But the thing is
Before I escaped to my apartment
My step dad was in the kitchen
Happily pretending to look busy
With the stupid smug smile on his ugly face
Enjoying every minute of that hell between my mom and me
I hate him for his smugness
It is a sin to hate
But in that moment
When I saw him needlessly puttering around the kitchen
I hated him
Because he is the reason my mom turns into what she turns into
He instigates it
He sets the sparks
and then fans the flames
and all the while my mom says he has nothing to do with it
((sigh))

After dinner the girls and I left the house
I needed to get away
We went to my grandparents house
They played in their playroom while I lay on the floor next to them 
When I couldn't hold in the tears 
my girls petted my hair and hugged me
telling me they loved me
They are the sweetest things alive, those two girls
To sit there with their mama just holding me without asking anything
Just knowing I needed them close
And when I dozed because a migraine had set in
They played quietly with their crayons and paper or their dollhouse

Later
from my grandparents' house 
I texted my mom and apologized for flipping her off
Her answer was a 'Ty' and 'I really don't understand you' . . .
What else could I say but, 'I know."
Because she's right
She doesn't understand me
In 21 years she has gotten really good at being my sister's mom
I mean really good
To the point that I am jealous
I feel like I just fall to the wayside
I'm an adult
I have children now
I must not need a mom anymore
I must need someone who can tear me down
Teach me hard lessons
And show me my place
Yes, apparently that is what I need

When we finally did come home much later
Breezy said something to my mom
to the effect of
"It wasn't nice to tell mama to get out of your kitchen,"
And my mom came into my room to let me know not only that Breezy had said that
But that she (my mom) in fact hadn't said that to me
I reiterated word for word the conversation
And all she could do was make a pff sound and say, 'Well," . . .
No longer able to deny it

I'm sad

Not the "I need prozac kinda sad,"
But the 'I wish my mom could see what is really going on'
kind of sad
the 'I wish my mom would act like a mom'
kind of sad
the 'I really need a mom and so my gramma as usual will be my surrogate'
kinda sad

And I'm angry

No longer the 'flip my mother off', kind of angry
But the 'I wish her husband would eff off', kind of angry

My heart hurts
I've cried so much tonight

I'm turning comments off
This was literally just to get it all off my chest



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