Monday, July 28, 2014

It's Been a Year

Some may think I am writing this because I miss what was
Or I am a glutton for reliving the painful past
I am going back in time
To the beginning of now
To the beginning of 

A year ago as of yesterday
I wrote this

On the 22nd of July there was a situation that occurred between my ex and myself with my daughters present that left me shell shocked and my children fearful of their father. Words were spoken by him that sent my mind reeling and then he did something that I never could have imagined he would do. He stole my trust, my daughters' trust and he replaced it with a horrific memory and fear.
Now I am picking up the pieces. My daughters don't understand. They are confused and hurt and understandably sad, especially Sassy. I am shocked. I used to think I knew where he drew his lines and where his limits stood. I don't know anymore. I too, am confused and angry because my daughters never should have had to witness something like they did. There was no justifiable reason and now, that cycle that I reverted to for my entire life has been decimated. To return to it at this point would be one step past insanity even though from a third party viewpoint it probably passed that line a long time ago.
I have to pick up the pieces and pretend I know what I am doing as I put back together a life that was never 100% mine. Now it is. There will be no more egg shell walking, submitting, cow towing, or kissing anyone's ass. No more chores or errands or favors to be done. No more looking for 'good' excuses why I don't want to do something or go somewhere. No more feeling like a little girl who needs to do 'the big man's bidding'. It is just me and my girls now.
And in the process of filling in the grooves and cracks of my life with healthy things and positivity where once it was filled with nothing but worry and despair and sadness and grief, I have to do the same for my girls. It is a heavy load to carry. Until you have experienced your peace being torn away from you by blatant malice and selfishness, no one can truly appreciate the difficulty and the burden of keeping oneself calm while trying to pacify and make the children who just don't understand it all content ... happy ... fulfilled ... alive ... and there is no other choice but to do it because I love them and their happiness and fulfillment depends on me.

One year and one day later
I am peaceful
I feel as if our lives are essentially happy

The Mr. traipses in and out of our lives
at his leisure
but instead of a mess of emotions
left in his stead
my girls and I have built a three-person-strong fortress
of love, compassion and encouragement for one another
(Yes, my girls hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay when I am sad and it is one of the most beautifully pure and genuine things I have ever experienced)
They tell me when it makes them sad
I am there for them
I tell them that it's okay to be sad
But always remind them that it is not and has never been their fault
Their daddy's actions 
speak only of his character and person
not theirs
Because they are wonderful
little human beings
And no one
much less their own father
has the right to take their belief in that away from them

So on this day
366 days later
I thank God for everything He has done
Everything He has set before me
Everything He has brought me through
and everything that is to come in the future
Mostly, I thank Him for the strength He has given me
and the innate love my daughter's feel for Him
and everything He does for us

1 comment :

  1. I am happy that a year later you and your girls are doing well. So brave of you to share this and revisit it. Prayers are with you and your girls as well as their father.

    God Bless,


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