(for those who don't know, this is our cable and Internet service provider)
We have been together for more than 5 years now. I have invested much time and effort into maintaining our relationship in good standing. But honestly, I don't think you appreciate my efforts. I try to keep your software and your hardware up to date. Not only the latest model of modems but also friggin' high quality computers and other devices. Nothing but the best for you, baby! Yet, on a frequent basis you deny me! We have been together for 5 years! Don't be that way! When I want to get on the Internet and you haven't been used in several hours you roll over and tell me that there is no 'connection'. Even though I know you feel SOMETHING 'cuz your little Wifi blinky light is pulsing like a baby's heartbeat. I know we have had some difficult times. Truly. I know I have made threats to throw your equipment out the window after I smash it to smithereens but you know I don't mean that. I need you! Don't you need me?!
PS - I WILL leave you if you don't get your shit together. Just sayin'.
Dear Pink and Sparkly Nail Polish,
Why do you have to be so beautiful and yet so rude? You're terribly expensive and every time I want to paint my nails I choose you because you are my favorite and yet you act like the cheap Walgreen's brand by chipping the very same day I use you! Really? Is there some way around this?
Dear 2 Year Old Underwear,
I have owned you for too long and this is a letter of termination. I have found other more comfortable covers for my butt and lady bits. You are holey and too big after being stretched out and now that I've lost a bit of weight you scoot and bunch in ALL THE WRONG WAYS. I'm sorry. Into the trash you go. It's not you. It's me. But really, it's you.
I really do love you way more than I should. I think I'm obsessed and I really don't think it's healthy. Your sleek white body and you're cool red cover. Makes me happy just to touch you and when your apps respond beneath my fingers I just light up, and I can see that you do too. I'll admit, there have been times when due to all the effort I have made to protect you that you have given me a bit of trouble with the touchscreen but I understand and don't blame you. Please don't ever stop singing to me, or leaving me important messages. Thank you for keeping my schedule and remembering everything I have done and need to do and protecting all of my memories. You truly are one of my favorite things.ever! I just thought you should know. Please don't ever leave me.
PS - Yes, I need a life and yes when I find it, you're coming with me.