Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Most Embarrassing

My most embarrassing experiences hands down, happened when I lived abroad in Mexico in 2006. There are many more than what I will post here but these are the ones that came to mind first . . .


When I lived in Mexico with my then boyfriend, soon to be husband and now ex husband, I got water poisoning in Mexico City and had the runs something awful. We took a 3 day trip during that 'infection time' out of town to visit his extended family and on the trip we stopped often to do touristy things where it was absolutely inevitable that my irritable bowel would need to find a toilet.

Well, if you have never visited southern Mexico you wouldn't know that the public bathrooms are not like ours here stateside. First, you have to pay the owner of the store where the bathroom is located to use the bathroom and then you have to pay the owner for toilet paper. Here in the US when I have a tummy bug, I can easily go through an entire roll of toilet paper in a day. So, when my {then} man paid her for the toilet paper and the use of the restroom and the owner handed me a whopping 4 squares of toilet paper I nearly sh*t my pants as I laughed in her face wasn't exactly sure how that was going to work.

Now mind you, it wasn't like I was just standing there happy and comfy waiting for him to pay. No, I was squeezing my cheeks and doing the potty dance and praying I wouldn't crap in my pants. So, regardless of the fact that I KNEW 4 squares of toilet paper were NOT enough I high tailed it into the bathroom and sat down to UTTER RELIEF. That is, of course, when the dilemma arrived. I finished and waited several minutes in case another round attacked me.

Nothing happened and there were no more rumbles down under . . . but I was messy to say the least and those damned 4 squares of toilet paper were not going to cut it. I spared as much as I could and tried to use them to the best of their ability but they JUST.WEREN'T.ENOUGH. So, I looked around. They don't offer seat covers for the public toilets of Mexico so I couldn't use one of those. There was a trash can and I am embarrassed to say I DID contemplate using the cleanest looking USED toilet paper I could find but am very relieved to say I did NOT sink that low. Instead, an idea occurred to me and sadly, I removed my pants and my pretty pink underwear and put my pants back on and then very sadly, with much remorse used my favorite pair of underwear as toilet paper and stuffed them in the trash.

It was only later when we were getting ready for bed that my then boyfriend was like, why aren't you wearing any underwear? And so I had to explain the whole thing to him, which now that I have been married to him and knew his every disgusting and less than gentlemanly habits isn't such a big deal but at the time, as his girlfriend it was mortifying.

In addition, on that same trip I was bound to get my period. It was Murphy's Law, right? And of course I did have other underwear with me. Thank God. But I had run out of pads and the only thing the little road side store we found carried were tampons. Well, tampons and I don't get along very well. My uterus and internal area is tilted backwards and so tampons don't expand the way they should and of course this causes leakage. And by the way, in the US if I ever were to use tampons I would use the SUPER EXTRA ABSORBENT kind. What was a girl supposed to do? I had no other choice but to use the tampons. And of course as it would happen the day I was bleeding the heaviest we were driving for extended amounts of time. So not only am I shaped wrong for the tampon but it is situated and scrunched because I am sitting CONSTANTLY.

At one point I KNEW I was leaking. If you are reading this and you are a girl/woman of menstruating age {and if you're a dude who is knows way more than he should about the female anatomy - why are you reading this anyway?} then you know that gush feeling when your tampon or pad is gonna overflow. That happened . . . on a road in the middle of nowhere, parallel to a river where people are fishing and there are only intermittent bushes to hide behind. So, we have to stop. I have to get out with my trusty 'ol box of tampons and my then boyfriend. ((SO humiliating)) and try to hide behind a bush with my pants around my ankles, trying not to get blood EVERYWHERE and also trying to place the tampon properly while standing hunched over under a bush. This was NO.EASY.TASK. Not to mention I knew that if the people who were fishing looked up they would see me (albeit several hundred feet away, but still visible) there at the frickin' shrub changing my tampon. I.Wanted.To.Die

And of course, when all was said and done I had placed the tampon poorly and I leaked out again anyway completely ruining another pair of panties and spotting my favorite jeans.

That was definitely a #FML kind of day


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