Sunday, July 6, 2014

I WILL NEVER . . .

Before one becomes a parent
You generally have two lists
A BUCKET list
and
A OH HELL NO, NEVER list
When you become a parent
Those lists shift and contort
So that the things you once wanted to do
Suddenly, YOU WILL NEVER DO
And the things you swore you would never do
ARE SUDDENLY THINGS YOU DO
ALL.THE.TIME

Here is a list of things
I WILL NEVER . . .



1. I WILL NEVER skydive or bungee jump
Oh.Hell.to.the.No!
This is an easy one for me. I was scared of heights before kids and giving birth did nothing to change that. I am only further motivated now though to not do something that could maim, paralyze or kill me 'for the sake of my children' and not just myself

2. I WILL NEVER pierce a part of my body other than my ears
When I was a teenage it was cool to have your tongue pierced. But then I saw how horribly they swell and of course my first thought being the fatty that I am was, how do they eat?? So, then I thought maybe my nose but that never panned out and now being almost 30 (WHAT?) I realize that facial/body piercings are nice when acquired in your teens or twenties but IMO just make you look desperate after you hit your 30s. Regardless of my size, I never want to be the woman that people are looking at shaking their heads and whispering, "She is trying too damn hard." How horrible would that feel, not to mention how embarrassed would my kids be??

3. I WILL NEVER eat ANYTHING that is ALIVE
I like my food good and dead before I eat it so that it no longer resembles anything that ever could have been alive. Therefore I also do not eat anything with heads or eyes still attached.
No.Thank.You

4. I WILL probably NEVER wear a two piece bathing suit
Let's face it. My body has been through some rough times. From yo-yo dieting, to rapid weight gain and weight loss, to injuries, the cesarean birth of two babies, nursing two babies, having a hate-hate relationship with salt that has left my skin less than beautiful - I will just say that unless a miracle happens and I lose all my weight and have a magician for a plastic surgeon this mama will never be seen in a two piece suit. EVER. No one wants to see that hot mess. Including my girls.

5. I WILL NEVER wear my hair shorter than shoulder length
When I was 10 I cut off all my hair so I basically had a boy haircut and I never felt uglier. That feeling has stayed with my my entire life and so I associate longer hair with feeling pretty and shorter hair with feeling fat, frumpy and boyish.

6. I WILL NEVER willingly swim or cruise in the ocean
I have a desperate fear of deep waters and especially deep waters where things with tentacles and sharp teeth live. This has been a fear of mine for approximately --- EVER.

7. I WILL NEVER purposely kill an animal
I am a meat eater. I refuse to infer on just how my meat lived or was killed before it became my meat and I believe that is the only good reason to kill an animal is for food - unless you live in third world country where there are no grocery stores or clothing outlets and you use those animals to survive. If I ever accidentally kill anything on the road because I can't swerve around it, I will probably cry for days and weeks. I don't like suffering and I don't like death, especially of innocent animals.

8. I WILL NEVER ride any roller coaster that goes up and just DROPS
Oh.Hell.to.the.No
I lived 45 minutes away from Magic Mountain for most my life and I have ridden every ride from Colossus to Riddler's Revenge, to Ninja and Batman. The only 'drop' ride I have ever ridden was Free Fall and I almost lost my cookies. Seriously. And that was a 'small drop' compared to Superman or Disneyland's Tower of Terror. Oh no. Not me. Never

9. I WILL NEVER do drugs of any kind . . . or even smoke cigarettes
That shizz is NASTY. 'No further explanation necessary -- Well, except that I hope in never doing that nasty shizz my girls follow in my exemplary footsteps.
((cough**sputter**ahem))

10. I WILL NEVER stop loving to read or write
I will write my books and my blog until I am old and senile or someone declares it some kind of felony. Period.


Allieology


3 comments :

  1. I agree with a lot of these especially never stop loving reading and writing :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love these things. I use to love roller coasters but over the years and even now just the thought of them make me sick to my stomach. And give me a random headache. Yea I will never cut my hair short again. i have had this habit of cutting it short after a bad break up.

    nightowlventing02.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like that idea of a list of things you will never do! Mine would probably look a lot like yours, except I love swimming and boating (ocean included), I love my bikini, and my hair is short! :-)

    ReplyDelete

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