Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tour De Hicksville aka Battle Ground (My Home)

I would much rather talk about my real home
Thousand Oaks, California
Where I was born
Where all my firsts took place
Where the first 20 years of my life were spent
Where the houses are beautiful
The population is dense
The daily life goes at the speed of light
Where imported palm trees blow in the wind
Ethnic cuisine can be smelled from every corner
And I can speak in my favorite language (Spanish) to (nearly) anyone
Some fun facts about my home in Thousand Oaks before I start the tour of where I live now:

My beautiful first home and where my grandparents lived from 1983-2004

The bottom apartment (Arroyo Villas in Newbury Park) overlooking the pool is where I lived from 1995-2002

  • My sister went to school with Will Smith's son Trey and one of the Duke's of Hazard's daughter (I don't know her name)
  • Will Smith often played basketball at the park next door to my high school (Borchard)
  • My grandfather (a self-employed general contractor) worked on every Californian politician's house between 1990-2004 
  • My grandpa was asked to be head of the city architectural/planning committee but he refused
  • My grandparents grew up around the corner from Lucille Ball (in 'The Valley') and yes I have her autograph as well as Desi's, Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore's and Jerry Van Dyke (Dick's brother) . . . What can I say? My grandpa and great grandpa worked for Disney and MGM studios
  • The beach was/is never further than 25 minutes away
  • It is inevitable if you live there that you will see movie/TV stars
  • However, not everyone is as 'perfect' or 'fake' or 'surfer-esque' as they are portrayed to be in SoCal
  • Dodger dogs and games ARE that good

And now we travel 1000 miles North ((sniffle)) to where I live 
in Battle Ground, Washington

Which I also call Hicksville or Cowtown
Can you understand why, after seeing where I lived before?!?!
Population 18k+ in 2014, grown from 15k+ in 2013
This coming from Thousand Oaks
Population 128k+
It isn't Lamont, Iowa either
Where The Bachelorette's Chris is from
Population 700 by any means

But it is still very.very.small

Ready to come along on our little scenic tour?
(That isn't half as exciting as it would have been to show you Thousand Oaks)

I promise, I don't drive like this guy
Even though most Washintonians and Oregonians do

So, first off our small town's main drag is named MAIN STREET
Super original right?
On Main street we have a jumbo banner
that announces all of the town's activities including Harvest Days in July
Later on in October the banner wishes us Happy Fall
In November Seasons Greetings
And Happy Spring in March or April
I thought at one point they had a Happy Holidays sign
but maybe that was controversial
Don't even get me started on that

So the rest of our town pretty much looks like this
Lots of sprawling trees and acres

Scenic roads

Random pastures of cows
and goats
and alpacas . . . or llamas . . . 
Whatever these woolly beasts are

You'll see a house like this

on one side of the road

and a house like this directly across the street or down the street a short ways

We have a historical mural of the town on the side of the town Dairy
(which we all joke is just a guise posing as a Dairy when it is actually the town's underground Meth manufacturing plant)
*For legal purposes, the above statement is spoken purely in jest

The Dairy Plant's 'sister plastics company' Mmm Hmm sure it is
Looks totally legit, right?

Galleotti's used to be just a little ways down the street from here
Owned by Bethany Joy Lenz-Galleoti
From One Tree Hill

But they closed a few years ago when the actress and her husband split

Speaking of, we still have signs advertising 
for restaurants that no longer exist
as a business 
or even a structure

Because this is what we do to them - the buildings
(to train our fire fighters of course)

No shizz, this is the building that housed the restaurant that the sign above is advertising for
And yes, we are so well entertained in Battle Ground
That we come out in hordes for public building burnings
Fun times!

See! This is a random house burning and people pull out lawnchairs!!

Look at the fun we're having today!!

There's another thing that make the town even better than public arson!
Below is bagged silage aka dairy cow feed
That lines Lagler's Dairy farm on the outskirts of our town
I only recently learned that it was feed
Prior to learning that I thought they were large white bagged logs of manure
And so the dairy farm was lovingly nicknamed the 'poop farm' 
and the bagged silage was always called intestines

As soon as I learned it is was feed and not poop
It totally ruined all my fun 

From almost any direction on a hot as eff and mugging as sweat warm clear day
You can see Mt. St. Helens in all her defrocked glory
I say defrocked because during the fall and winter months
She is completely white with snow
In the spring and summer months, her brown underbelly starts to show

Gotta love Dick's
Where some people speak Spanish
And some people speak English
And some of the guys are still in high school
So, all they really speak is 
But they fill up my tires with air for free
When my tire light comes on
So I'll let it pass


Where women get assaulted
Men sing hymns at the back of their pickups for cash
Just keepin' it classy 

And of course what is a tour of my town 
if there aren't some popular Meme's thrown in for good measure
Because we are awesome enough to have a Facebook page

This is really only something we who live here will understand
It's pretty much a derogatory term we use for Apostolics
It's like they have cliques everywhere
And no one else is invited in

Remember the Season's Greetings welcome banner I told you about
There it is in all its glory
Being rained on
As usual

Sometimes you want to go 
Where everybody knows your name, 
and they're always glad you came. 

And yeah, they do
And you can never go there without seeing someone you know

So, the city planner was an idiot when s/he planned out the entrance to our beloved Fred Meyers

^^This is my drawing^^
Then I found actual photos

This one you are driving in
Car on the right does not have a stop
All other three intersections have a stop

Do you see how if, oncoming traffic doesn't stop.EVER.this could pose a slight problem??
The view below is trying to leave
Which can be nearly impossible if oncoming traffic is constantly turning left

And yes, for these reasons
and many more
during holidays 
we require our good policemen to direct our idiots citizens

I'm sure anybody who lives in a state that gets cold winter frost understands
Ain't nobody got time when you're already running late for the damn window to de-crystallize
While you sit there yelling profanities because it isn't going faster 

Remember, I thought it was a poop farm
Case in point

Yes, this happens ALL.THE.TIME.
No, it isn't funny

Yes, I know many men who would actually do this
No, I am not proud to know them

Now on to YOUR home! Can't wait!



  1. Dude, if it had something to do with someone from OTH, I automatically love it a little more :)

  2. Just think of it as the pre-poop intestines. LOL


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