Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Confessions VI: Anger

// I'M ANGRY

I hate feeling this way

Like he (the ex) is out to get me
in any way he can

Like I have to look over my shoulder every time I go outside

Like there HAS to be another adult with me 
even when I'm just lounging around the house
just.in.case

Like I have to inspect each car that passes by our house
because I don't know if he still drives the same car
or who he would send to spy on us

I hate hearing my phone buzz

Because I fear it will be him

A text

or a call

or worst of all, a FaceTime request

And I will decline it

Because he scares me

His threats scare me

His manipulative and vengeful character scares me

I hate waiting

Waiting to see if he tries to contact the girls again

or me
(better me than them)

Waiting to see if he will serve me papers for a parenting plan modification

Or worst of all

Waiting to see if he tries to do anything stupid

What is he truly capable of?

I have no idea

I used to think I knew his limits

But long ago 
(a year in fact)

I learned he had no limits

His need to 'level the playing ground'

'To even the score'

To get back at me

Are limitless

And I hate the unknown

I hate not knowing what he's thinking of doing
or if it is all empty threats

I hate that after this long of torturing me 
he doesn't just drop off the earth somewhere

I hate that I can't fully explain to the girls what is happening
(yet, I am simultaneously relieved because they don't need that burden)

I hate that they don't understand, 

'why Daddy is mean'

or

'why Daddy says the things he says'

or 

'why Daddy does the things he does'

I hate that I have to explain it away with

'Sometimes people get angry'

or

'Sometimes people say things they don't mean'

or 

'Sometimes people do things because they're hurt'

When all I really want to say is:

'BECAUSE YOUR FATHER . . . NO, YOUR SPERM DONOR 
IS AN EFFING LUNATIC
WHO ENJOYS BEING VENGEFUL, MALICIOUS, JEALOUS, ANGRY
AND SPITEFUL. 
HE ENJOYS THREATENING AND SEEING FEAR IN PEOPLES' FACES 
-- ALL IN THE NAME OF GOD 
WHO HE THINKS IS JUST WAITING 
TO RAIN DOWN ANSWERS OF PRAYERS AND PRAISE
FOR HIS OBEDIENT SERVITUDE 
BY GETTING WHAT IS HIS
SELF PROCLAIMED GOD GIVEN RIGHT'

^^ I would never say that to my daughters ^^

And I find it comical in a very non-humorous way
that he sees himself as a victim in this situation
He isn't the victim
I don't see myself as the victim
at.all
My girls are the victims here
AND IT PISSES ME OFF

Why couldn't he just be a normal human being
Who, when the law says he has to do something, just does it
Why can't he see the girls under the laws stipulations
Why can't he accept that it is NOT his God given right
to have them when he wants
where he wants
however he wants
to do with what he wants
That is not being a father
That is not being a parent
That is being an owner
Making them a possession

They are people!
Little people
Who don't understand
Who shouldn't have to understand this depravity
And it is my fault that I chose such a gem of a man
That falls squarely on my shoulders
and I regret it daily
But it is his fault for being the abusive man that he is
It is his fault for not seeing the error of his ways
No matter how many times 
by how many people
it was pointed out to him

So, 
today's confession
is that I am angry
so angry
with myself
and with him

and sad

so sad for my girls

Prayers for peace and God's Will in all things would be greatly appreciated
And if you're not the praying kind
Well wishes, or whatever it is you do would also be greatly appreciated

Until next time . . .

Vodka and Soda

4 comments :

  1. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I lived that way for along time myself. It was hard and I totally understand your feelings. Unfortunately men are great at making themselves look like the victims no matter what the situation. I pray that this will come to an end for you and he will start to act like a human being and not like a controller or owner.

    It is sad that the kids suffer through all of this and they don't understand what is going on. Have you reached out to any other support groups that may be able to help you in regards to making you feel safe. Maybe contact a Womens Shelter in your area and tell them what is going on and ask if they have any suggestions on how you can get help.

    I wish you best of luck. When all else fails just Pray. You know God is with you always and there is a lesson in everything. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow. What a powerful post. I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through something so awful. If I may, it's not just men who act like this. My brother-in-laws ex-wife is just as evil. He lived with us while going through his divorce. It was a horror story and his children were caught in the middle. What I'm trying to say is, they came out the other side okay. The kids are older and doing much better and he is happier, too. I hope your situation improves as well. Sending love and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I usually have something to relate to when I post comments, but at this point I'm somewhat speechless. I hope your situation improves...quickly!

    FogDog's Weight Loss - Starting Over (Again!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. eep. sorry you're going through a tough time. know that it's not just men but women can be equally as nuts! hope things improve soon.

    thanks for linking up.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

    ReplyDelete

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