// I'M ANGRY
I hate feeling this way
Like he (the ex) is out to get me
in any way he can
Like I have to look over my shoulder every time I go outside
Like there HAS to be another adult with me
even when I'm just lounging around the house
Like I have to inspect each car that passes by our house
because I don't know if he still drives the same car
or who he would send to spy on us
I hate hearing my phone buzz
Because I fear it will be him
or a call
or worst of all, a FaceTime request
And I will decline it
Because he scares me
His threats scare me
His manipulative and vengeful character scares me
I hate waiting
Waiting to see if he tries to contact the girls again
(better me than them)
Waiting to see if he will serve me papers for a parenting plan modification
Or worst of all
Waiting to see if he tries to do anything stupid
What is he truly capable of?
I have no idea
I used to think I knew his limits
But long ago
(a year in fact)
I learned he had no limits
His need to 'level the playing ground'
'To even the score'
To get back at me
And I hate the unknown
I hate not knowing what he's thinking of doing
or if it is all empty threats
I hate that after this long of torturing me
he doesn't just drop off the earth somewhere
I hate that I can't fully explain to the girls what is happening
(yet, I am simultaneously relieved because they don't need that burden)
I hate that they don't understand,
'why Daddy is mean'
'why Daddy says the things he says'
'why Daddy does the things he does'
I hate that I have to explain it away with
'Sometimes people get angry'
'Sometimes people say things they don't mean'
'Sometimes people do things because they're hurt'
When all I really want to say is:
'BECAUSE YOUR FATHER . . . NO, YOUR SPERM DONOR
IS AN EFFING LUNATIC
WHO ENJOYS BEING VENGEFUL, MALICIOUS, JEALOUS, ANGRY
HE ENJOYS THREATENING AND SEEING FEAR IN PEOPLES' FACES
-- ALL IN THE NAME OF GOD
WHO HE THINKS IS JUST WAITING
TO RAIN DOWN ANSWERS OF PRAYERS AND PRAISE
FOR HIS OBEDIENT SERVITUDE
BY GETTING WHAT IS HIS
SELF PROCLAIMED GOD GIVEN RIGHT'
^^ I would never say that to my daughters ^^
And I find it comical in a very non-humorous way
that he sees himself as a victim in this situation
He isn't the victim
I don't see myself as the victim
My girls are the victims here
AND IT PISSES ME OFF
Why couldn't he just be a normal human being
Who, when the law says he has to do something, just does it
Why can't he see the girls under the laws stipulations
Why can't he accept that it is NOT his God given right
to have them when he wants
where he wants
however he wants
to do with what he wants
That is not being a father
That is not being a parent
That is being an owner
Making them a possession
They are people!
Who don't understand
Who shouldn't have to understand this depravity
And it is my fault that I chose such a gem of a man
That falls squarely on my shoulders
and I regret it daily
But it is his fault for being the abusive man that he is
It is his fault for not seeing the error of his ways
No matter how many times
by how many people
it was pointed out to him
is that I am angry
and with him
so sad for my girls
Prayers for peace and God's Will in all things would be greatly appreciated
And if you're not the praying kind
Well wishes, or whatever it is you do would also be greatly appreciated
Until next time . . .