Do you remember I wrote last that I had done remarkably well in my eating habits for a whole week. I failed yesterday. And today. But that is not the main topic of this post. The main topic is WHY I failed.
Panic. Worry. Anxiety. Stress.
Financial worries, family issues, and ex-husband worries completely aside ...
I live in a fairly small town of 15,000 people or so. I feel relatively safe except from your run of the mill random crimes and natural disasters. Even though we have a very high rate of drug use, (hi serious meth abuse) and an even higher population of incorporated felons, (probably from aforementioned meth abuse) nothing horrific has happened while I have lived here. Nothing super tragic. Nothings newsworthy. Nothing that has made me want to leave. Ever.
But in light of things happening in this country, I suddenly feel like I want to become a hermit. The kind who keeps herself holed up inside a dark house, blinds drawn with only her family and her animals and maybe the TV to accompany her. No malls, keep my children home from school, (even though I would make the worst home school mom ever) watch your back, make sure to stay away from suspicious looking people in long coats and caps if the occasion arrives that I must leave (except that is everyone now considering we are entering into the cooler months of fall) It is truly a suffocating feeling to want to become this kind of person.
When online I constantly see scrolling taglines talking about *S*S, the horror they wreck in their home land and their s*mpathizers here in the US (and yes, I feel the need to bleep out words so that they aren't used as keywords for people to happen upon my blog) I hear about the b*heading of a woman in Oklahoma by an extr*m*st and the letters sent to three different elementary schools in Rhode Island calling for the B*heading of children!
My heart hurts more than I can express with words. It more than hurts . . . it aches excruciatingly for times long gone where US Citizens felt safe not only in their neighborhoods and their homes but in public places and at their jobs. I cry just thinking about that last portion of the previous paragraph. What evil is on this earth that it would victimize the most innocent and the least suspecting? Tears burn my eyelids as I write this thinking about the S@ndy H00k sh**ting and the victims and their families. That was one act of a deranged individual. I can't even fathom a group of crazies looking to purposely t*rrorize so many.
I hate that our media sensationalizes these acts to draw out the most extr*me response of the public. I hate that in reality they don't have to sensationalize it. It is as horrible as they make it seem. I hate that I can't watch TV without hearing about it all. I hate that I can't look at my Facebook wall without seeing a post about it or an advertisement related to it.
I f*ear for the future of my children. I f*ear for their fr*eedom. I can't be alone, can I?
If I had known what it was to become a mother; to forever have your heart literally go walking about in this world cloaked in the bodies of your children who are at the mercy of all its horrors, I am uncertain if given the foresight and the opportunity I would choose it again. Not because this is too much for me to bear or because I don't love my daughters with every breath in me, but because I love my girls so very desperately I am not sure I could consciously bring them into a world such as we have now. A world controlled by f*ear and the merciless. The ones bent on everything evil.
Then again maybe it IS just me. Maybe I am making it out to be much bigger, much more severe than it is. But I think of that day in September more than thirteen years ago and then again the Boston M@rathon and the subsequent copycat threats and events and now this. All that I mentioned above in OK and RI. And then I see this . . . post on a government website.
I have so many questions. For the government, for the public, for schools and for the ter*orists themselves but mostly I just want to know: How much has to happen for people to stand up and step in and make sure this does NOT happen on American soil EVER? And sadly the answer is, even if/when people did/do stand, even if people want to fight, there is no way to know exactly what we are up against because they hide in plain sight among us. They are the people we work with, the people who serve us our food, the people who fly our airplanes, the people who service our cars and by the color of their skin or the accent of their voice we would never know because some of them ARE US, and that is what chills me most deeply.
That is what makes me want to eat an entire package of ruffles followed by an entire container of ice cream and drown it all with diet coke after diet coke and wine . . . bottles and bottles of wine. (Though thankfully I haven't had any wine in the house for over a month) It is utter despair that drives me to this. There are days, frequently many consecutive days where I feel like it all is so distanced from us, like there isn't imminent danger. That we are essentially safe and I needn't worry too desperately. And there are other days like today where I feel like just one wrong move and our entire country, our entire world is going to implode in on itself.
So, I pray deeply and I cry and I suck it up for my babies who should never know the horrific war that rages inside me. I make pastel colored candy cane cookies with them because I know that it makes them happy and I should be enjoying it also. I make silly rubber band art birthday gifts for their teachers and I let them go to the park with my family while I make dinner even though just the idea of letting them out of my sight leaves me nearly paralyzed with f*ear. It takes everything in me to drop them off at school and leave them there. It takes every ounce of my faith in God to trust that He will protect them from the world and all the evil in it.
And I listen to music. Specifically music that gives me hope. These 3 songs in particular.
If you have read this far, what are your feelings on this topic?