Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sick Babies, Big Toe Owwies, and Eating Fiasco

I had a hard day with the 'eating well' stuff
I am not sure why
Maybe because I had eaten a little too much yesterday
and I was trying to 'make up for it' today
which I have learned my lesson time and time again
that depriving myself one day for an overindulgence from another day
ONLY RESULTS IN A BINGE
And thus today's binge
((sigh))
Thankfully it wasn't an 'at home binge' 
where all that inhabited our cabinets and fridge were at my disposal
Instead, it was a restaurant binge
A MEXICAN RESTAURANT BINGE
You know, where they serve limitless baskets of chips and salsa
Yeah, that kind
Coupled with chicken fajitas and flan
The rest of the day wasn't so bad
Coffee, oatmeal, fruit rollup ... okay okay 4 fruit roll ups ... and some cupcake fishies
Tomorrow is a new day, right?



I made sure through our pediatrician that what I am doing for Breezy's toe is correct
and it is
Today we changed her bandages
Soaked her foot in warm water
Made sure it was good and dry and clean
and re-wrapped it

She didn't watch
She doesn't like blood
But she never cried
Not even a whimper
My baby is so brave


Stupid Meme app got all ga-funked 
(excuse the missing words please)


And Sass is sick
I hate it when Sassy gets sick
Because with the germs come exhaustion
with exhaustion comes emotional outbursts
and with her uncontrollable emotional outbursts 
sometimes this mama likes to just yank her own hair out in clumps
Okay, maybe just a strand here and there
haha
no, seriously

So, we are trying to be positive about the lack of eating control
we are trying to heal a toe
and we are trying to get a girl well


And tomorrow is Monday

Oh.Boy.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Dentist and Decapitation of a Big Toe

A Little History

The last time I saw a dentist I was 18 or 19 years old
In case the math eludes you that is 10+ years ago
I have (until today) had 2 cavities in my entire life 
(one that was extremely superficial and filled so I had to dole out more money to appease my dentist)

Into the Present

Today I had my first dental appointment
First I had to go through hell trying to find an office that would take my insurance
Then when I found them I was so excited
I went to my appointment this morning
Filled out the necessary paperwork
Including medical history
(And yet the history didn't ask how long it had been since my last visit ... hmmm)
And then the dental assistant took me back for x-rays
I have a really bad gag reflex
So when she stuck those tongue depressor things in my mouth
And told me to bite down
I wanted to punch her
After I vomited everywhere
No, I didn't vomit but there were moments I thought I would
After what felt like a zillion X-rays
She told me that because I had a history of high blood pressure
(When I was pregnant 5+ years ago)
They needed to take my BP
I was wearing a very thick hooded sweatshirt
With nothing underneath
I was not about to take it off
And the temper tantrums my kids had just before I left
Couples with the 'lack of caffeine headache' I was getting
Compounded by the freak factor of being at the dentist
Did nothing for my BP
Yeah, 140 over 102
My normal BP on a normal day is 122 over 82-86
I wanted to punch the assistant again
when she widened her eyes and told me I should see my doctor about that
I gritted my teeth and told her my doctor had my health under control
And by the way, I realize it is her job
I was just in a bad and freaked out mood being there in the first place
After that the hygienist came in and tested my gums for gingivitis and periodontal disease
Thank goodness my bone density is good
But I do have some serious gingivitis
AND  3 cavities on the left side
AND 2 cavities on the right side
All in all though the dentist said that is really good
for someone who hadn't seen the dentist in more than a decade
Then the assistant came back in after the exam
And she told me that the dentist had called for fillings of the cavities
and a deep cleaning which includes anesthetic
because they dig under the gums
as well as laser - something - or - other to keep plaque away
The catch was that while the deep cleaning is covered by my insurance
the laser is not
No big deal right?
WRONG
The laser is required for the deep cleaning
MMMk, well that's fine
How much is the laser?
$60 per quadrant of the mouth
The mouth has 4 quadrants
That is $240
Haha, this unemployed single mama does not have an extra $240 to throw around
for an unnecessary laser that their corporate office deemed a requirement
So, after that fiasco I had to go home and find ANOTHER dentist
who would take my insurance
and who would take another office's x-rays
AND who would mark my exam as something else
because my insurance only covers 1 exam a year
I finally found one
Only by God's good grace
And so I now have an appointment for an 'emergency exam'
They will take the other office's x-rays
And I can get my cavities done
Then my deep cleaning
without the stupid lasers
And ALL covered by my insurance
THANK THE LORD!!


The Decapitation of a Big Toe

The rest of the day went well until Sassy and Breezy were trying to watch TV
Our apartment is attached the the laundry room of the main house
and the door to the laundry room was open with the dryer running loudly
They couldn't hear the TV so Breezy got up to close it
And somehow ran her big toe directed into the sharp part of the lower edge of the door
Literally decapitating her toe
I was in the bathroom at the time
The scream was so blood curdling I didn't even have time to wipe
Up went my pants and I saw Breezy standing there crying so hard it was silent
I picked her up and asked her where
Just point where
When I finally got that it was her foot, I looked down and her toe was just gushing
Thank God again that my grandpa is an amazing man who lives just across the alley
And though he has many doctorates he is not an actual physician
But even though he has never studied in the medical field
he is better than any doctor we could have gone to
I rushed her to his house
(with Sassy running after me trying desperately not to look at Breezy's gushing toe)
Where he calmly cleaned it up
Inspected it
Said stitches would not be necessary
(I believe him due to many experiences with my own injuries that he has taken care of)
*A occurrence with me riding my bike (stupidly) down some stairs, crashing and landing in a freshly cut rose bush where a branch went straight through my palm comes to mind
He performed his magic using surgical tape, polysporin and bandaids
I then gave Breezy a good dose of children's Advil
and we have been resting since

Insert major sigh of relief
And I thank God in the heavens for small favors
The whole dentist fiasco could have gone so much worse
There could have been so much more wrong with my mouth
I could still be looking for another dentist to help me

And I thank God that all Breezy hurt was her toe
God forbid it had been her head or her neck or back
A toe
(while painful and bleeds like a sieve)
is a whole lot better than the alternative
THANK YOU GOD

And now
I have kids to put to sleep
I have shows to watch
Parenthood
Gray's Anatomy
Vampire Diaries
White Collar
(all on DVR and Hulu of course)
I have laundry to finish
I have Hay Day to play
And I have glorious sleep to look forward to

Goodnight friends




Monday, January 20, 2014

Caffeine Induced Reflection and an Invitation

I have been reflecting a lot lately on my life, my fears, my beliefs and my future
Anyone who has lived more than 25 years knows
That there are literally different chapters in life
I can very clearly label specific chapters in my own

Chapter 1: 
Birth to 6 years old, living with my grandparents up to the point when my mom married my step dad
Chapter 2: 
6 years old to 9 years old living in apartment after apartment hearing abusive and horrible fights between my mom and step-dad
Chapter 3: 
A short but evolutionary chapter that defined much of who I am, lived between the ages of 9 to 11, moving to Washington from California mid school year as my mom prepared to divorce my stepdad, my great grandma being diagnosed with cancer and then moving back down to California upon my mom and stepdad's reconciliation. My great grandma's death
Chapter 4: 
11 to 14 years of age. My rebellious years. My attention needing years. 
Chapter 5: 
A short stint  from 14 to 15 dealing with a 42 count felony (not my own), betrayals, attorneys, courts, jail sentences, testimonies, victim's advocate groups, therapy and guilt and sadness
Chapter 6: 
I met my future husband and chapter 6 extends all the way from the age of 15 to the age of 20 focused on him and finally deciding he was who I wanted to marry
Chapter 7: 
In an epiphany that I would eventually fail to remember I fled California to Washington to get away from the man I decided I wanted to marry. Only six months later would we reunite, temporarily shoving the lessons of the past into the closet and under the carpet to fulfill immediate superficial needs
Chapter 8:
Living in Mexico, teaching English, being lonely, and waiting on legal papers ... always waiting
Chapter 9: 
From the age of 22 when I returned home from Mexico and got married until the age of 24 when I became pregnant.
Chapter 10
I no longer defined the chapters of my life by my own age but by the ages of my daughters. Chapter 9 lasted until Sassy was a little more than 1 and Breezy was 3 months old. 
Chapter 11: 
I left my husband and moved in with my family
Chapter 12: 
I pined and cried and tried so hard to repair what was emotionally irreparable between him and me. Chapter 11 lasted 2 years
Chapter 13: 
I still found myself pining and crying and trying hard to repair the irreparable between us even though I proceeded with finalizing our divorce. Chapter 12 would last 2 more years.
Chapter 14: 
I finally realized that what is broken can be fixed, but what was never whole could not be restored and my pining waned and my trying ceased. I am in the middle of Chapter 14 of my life and the mildly obsessive compulsive part of my brain finds it delightfully coincidental that we are also in the year 2014
Is this the beginning of my 15th chapter?

I lost 2.6lbs today at Weight Watchers
((insert ridiculous happy dance here))
In August (or was it July?) when I began Weight Watchers 
it took me almost 10 weeks to lose 20lbs
Now, since the new year I have lost 15 in 3 weeks
I am deeply motivated by this
and only pray that the momentum will continue

I am relying heavily on prayer (my own and the prayers of my family and friends)
for God to give me peace of mind
There has been this invisible war raging on inside my mind
And I have to stop on a pretty frequent basis 
to pray that God will remove the thoughts that do not belong
the sad thoughts
the fearful thoughts
the hateful thoughts
the judgmental thoughts
the 'unclean' thoughts
It often feels like the closer I cling to Him
the more I am targeted by the enemy


James 4:7 


Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Yesterday at church
When I went to pick up my girls from Sunday school
I was handed an orange flier from both classes that announced
that both classes would be reciting 'The Shepherd's Prayer' in the sanctuary the following month
I asked Breezy's teacher if she needed me to help her study 
And the woman pressed her lips together and closed her eyes while shaking her head
And she said, "Nah, she already knows it."
I thought that was pretty cool
So, on our way from church to breakfast I asked Sassy if she knew it also
She said yes
and both girls began to recite 'The Shepherd's Prayer'
As the verses went on my amazement grew
I did not know that they had been studying it
Nor did I know a 4 and 5 year old were capable of memorizing such scripture
But they knew every word and every hand motion
And I was impressed to tears
In case you do not know the prayer/verses
It is as follows:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures:
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I will fear no evil: 
for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: 
you anoint my head with oil; 
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
psalm 2

To hear their beautiful little voices recite this entire passage so smoothly
Literally brought tears to my eyes and choked me up
I had no way to answer when Sassy said, 
"Mama why are your eyes red? You look like you're crying."
She could see me in the rear view mirror from where she sat in the back seat
I could only respond how beautiful the verse was and how proud I was of them

I will leave you with their cute faces but on one last note,
I LOVE COMMENTS
If you have read through this post and are a visitor
or a regular reader
or a lurker
or someone who just happened upon my blog
or if you are visiting from another blog
please say hi and tell me about yourself
and if you have your own blog tell me what it is so I can check it out!
Thanks and God bless!





Saturday, January 18, 2014

Just a Hay Day Kinda Distraction

I'm in a bullet kinda mood.



  • I'm on track with my weight loss. All points tracked and accounted for. I expect to have a loss on Monday even though it may not be as big as the last two weeks. I am okay with that. Although I would be totally okay if I DID lose as much as the last couple weeks also.
  • I will admit that one of the reasons I have been absent is because my mom and my aunt sucked us into and brain washed introduced me AND my kids to this awful, horrible, ridiculously addicting, fun game called Hay Day on our iPads and iPhones. Don't play it. It will take over your life, what with the milking the cows and 'egging' the chickens and 'baconating' the pigs. Don't even take into account that you can decorate the farm beautifully and you fill orders which give you coins and you can find buried treasure that gives you diamonds and all with your facebook family and friends.
    JUST DON'T DO IT!!
  • My time has also been quite filled with being 'room mom' for Sassy's kindergarten class as well as watching the new DVDs I signed up for on Netflix. So far I have seen The Great Gatsby, Now You See Me, Inception and tonight I will be watching Lincoln. 
  • Even though it sounds like I have been living a sloth-like existence I have also been active doing rotations of Richard Simmons (against my will but because my gramma loves it/him) as well as a ridiculous Denise Austin DVD that burns more calories in laughter than actual exercise and then Hatha Yoga which actually does stretch the hell out of me and makes me feel like a million ducks bucks. 
  • The fog has been ridiculous lately. I have heard that from just a few miles up into higher elevation from where we live that looking down into the valley looks like they are living on an ocean surrounded by ocean fog. Today was the first sunny day in at least a week and at that the temperature was still in the low 30s. ((brrrrrr)) So, I haven't been brave enough to take the girls outside to do any outdoor activities. I would rather hang out inside with my Hayday and movies in the warmth.
  • The ex has been in constant communication but hasn't requested to see the girls except for once. I contacted the visitation service that is required in our parenting plan to have them call him and encourage him to set up visit times but so far he has not been interested... that I know of. 
  • On that note, and on the last note, this eating well and exercising religiously thing is wrecking havoc on my body as it rids itself of toxins. I have never been a person who smells of BO. Not even when I exercise hard. I have either always worn sufficient deodorant or it just wasn't in my chemistry ... until now. I stink. I have to reapply deodorant often. I have also had chronic external yeast infection on my thigh/stomach where my leg and pelvis meet since I had my girls. They have been exacerbated lately spreading extra far across my leg and belly as well as hurting really badly. 
  • I wonder if it's because I am closing in on the big 3-0.. yikes ... I don't even want to think about that so I will smile and pretend I will be 29 forever and don't even bring up the nice skunk stripe of white on my right temple. Until next time people.


Monday, January 13, 2014

Not Gone ... Just Busy ... and Weekly Progress

I lost 3.4lbs this week! Woot!

I say this as I nurse not only a can of diet coke
But a large coffee
and a portion of corn chips

But this is what I've been doing and it works!

Onward

Monday, January 6, 2014

Memorial Box Monday - My Angel Baby

I have one picture of my angel baby
His name would have been Nicholas Michael
I think he would have been beautiful
Like his sisters

I will never forget the morning I found out I was pregnant with him
We had been trying for going on 1 year
I had one pregnancy test left for that cycle
I was sure it was another failed one
I wanted to get rid of that test
So I peed on it and left it sitting on the sink to get ready for work

When I returned to the sink to brush my teeth 
My eyes must have bulged out of my head
There on the dollar store rectangular plastic box's 'test window'
was a faint second pink line
I flipped out
I was so excited I was crying

At work it was all I could think about
During my lunch I went to the local Walmart
Bought a digital pregnancy test
The kind that says 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant'
And it barely took any time for that 'Pregnant' to pop up
I called my mom bawling
And devised a beautiful way to tell my husband

That night I bought a box and placed the digital pregnancy test inside
I wrapped it like a present
When he got home I told him I had a surprise for him
And I videotaped him as he opened the present
He was confused at first
He was looking at the wrong side of the test
I told him to flip it around
And the smile that broke out over his face still gives me chills at the memory

I scheduled my blood tests to make sure my hcg levels were doubling properly
I scheduled my first ultra-sound
I never got the second blood test
I honestly don't remember why
When the ultra-sound date arrived I was ecstatic
My husband and I got ready and went out for breakfast 
Then we drove to the clinic

Upon walking in though, a (intuitive) sense of dread came over me
I didn't want to have the ultra-sound there
It was dark
It wasn't welcoming
But against my better judgement 
I went in with the nurse
I peed in a cup and my pregnancy was confirmed
I then went into the exam room
My husband followed, holding my hand the entire time
My apprehension was a solid brick in my chest

The topical ultra-sound couldn't even find my baby 
who should have been more than visible if I was at the 8 weeks gestation that I knew I was
The internal ultrasound couldn't find him either
She searched my fallopian tubes to see if I had an ectopic pregnancy
Nothing
Just nothing
The nurse tried to reassure me that sometimes it was too early
Or that maybe I had gotten my last menstrual cycle date wrong
She told me to schedule a 12 week ultra sound and said goodbye
My husband and I left with confused and aching hearts

I scheduled a 12 week ultrasound with a different clinic
And then I went and had my blood drawn again
My numbers were still high
But not as high as they thought they should have been
Again I was told that maybe I had gotten the date wrong
I knew I hadn't

The date of the 12 week ultrasound arrived
I went by myself because my husband had to work
This place was welcoming
Comforting
Calming
But I still knew in my mind what I was going to find
The ultra-sound technician was sweet and funny
It didn't take her long to find him
A beautiful little bean
A perfect little baby
A big head and little legs
But no heartbeat

Because I was overweight 
she thought that maybe the equipment they had was not strong enough to detect the heartbeat
But this mama knew that wasn't the case
I had been trying to get pregnant for going on a year
I had studied the process of making a baby
And being pregnant with a baby
in every book and Internet forum and article I could find
I knew my baby had been taken to live with angels

I had one more ultra-sound to confirm at a high risk pregnancy center a week later
And my obstetrician suggested that because my body was not miscarrying naturally
That I should have a D&C
I hated hated hated the idea of that
But God knew what He was doing
And the night before my scheduled D&C 
He allowed my body to pass everything naturally
And though deeply saddening
Was not as heart wrenching as the alternative
The aches, the pain, the cramps
Were a sort of closure
It was a cleansing experience

This small time in my life was the hardest I ever had to endure
I cried rivers
and prayed 
and thanked God for his blessings
and I asked Him why
Often
But I never blamed Him
My motto in life is, everything happens for a reason
And it is true
Everything happens for His reasons



She is that reason
I became pregnant with her the month after I miscarried
And I often think about how if Nicholas had been born
I wouldn't have my beautiful Sassy 
It is a very somber thought for me
To think that a baby I loved inside my womb
Who I wanted more than anything
Had to die so that the love of my life
My beautiful Sassy
Could be born 

And she has made my life rich
She has taught me so much about being a better person
A better woman
A mother

But Nicholas
My sweet angel baby 
Who never got a chance to take a breath
Who walked out Heaven's gates only to be called back at the very last minute
"Wait," I can imagine the angels saying. "God decided he wanted you here more."



But even though I never saw his face
I never held him
I never heard him cry
My son taught me 
Compassion
Empathy
Love
A mother's love
The unconditional, heart wrenching, out of body love 
that only a parent can feel for their child
Nicholas gave me that
And he opened the gates of Heaven for Sassy
God knows what He is doing

When Sassy was two years old
She spoke very eloquently
She never had trouble pronouncing letters
Or had a lisp
And by two her sentences were very complex (for a 2 year old)
One day
knowing nothing of her brother's existence
knowing nothing other than Breezy as a sibling
She turned to me
And in a moment that still brings tears streaming down my face
said in her two-year-old-speak,
"Mama, I had a brother.'
I laughed at how matter of fact she was 
and thought fleetingly how cute it was that she thought Breezy was her brother 
But then I corrected her,
"No, you have a sissy. Breezy is your sister."
She corrected me.
She knew what she was talking about.
I just needed to listen.
"No Mama. I have a brother in heaven."
I stopped, speechless and she continued as she played with her dolls
Unaware of how intently she held my attention
Or that tears had begun to stream down my face
"He has blue eyes and curly black hair and he died when he was 3 months old."
Goosebumps still run up along my arms when I remember her little voice telling me this
You see, 
the reason I miscarried was most likely to a defect that would have caused blindness
(blue eyes)
among other abnormalities
And when he died he measured 12 weeks
Three Months
"Is that so?" I asked her through a choked up voice
She nodded and carried on playing as if what she said was of no consequence
It just simply was

To this day I believe my angel baby Nicholas
Opened the gates of Heaven to walk back inside
And passed Sassy on her way out
 And with his perfect blue eyes I can imagine him winking at her
Or smirking that silly smirk both my girls have
When they get to do something special
As if saying
Go be with mom. I'll stay here with God and I'll see you on the flip side.

So that one photo that I have of a baby with a head that is abnormally large 
and a body that is still so small
with little tiny arms and legs
and no visible heartbeat flutter
Means the whole world to me
I keep it tucked away

And one day I will go to Heaven to see him
And his curly black hair
And his perfect blue eyes
And I will hold him for the first time
And I will tell him I love him
And thank Him for allowing Sassy to come in his place



Linny over at A Place Called Simplicity hosts Memorial Box Monday
If you are looking to be motivated, 
inspired, 
in awe of such a beautiful family 
or especially if you want to be driven in God's direction please go visit her there.




The Anchor is Heavy - with FEAR?

Two posts in one day
It's been a while since that happened
But I have some things on my mind
And what better way to release stress and get it off my chest
than to blog about it

In my last post I talked about the ex being an anchor of negativity
And there are days when I barely feel that tug
But today some rumors have been flying around
that he is interested in someone new

I am sure most would probably think, okay so?
And if I were a third party bystander I would probably say the same
I really don't know what I'm feeling about it though
I don't really think I'm jealous
I don't really think I'm sad or angry
I'm not upset
Nor am I really very surprised

I never expected him to spend the rest of his life pining for me
Not only is that completely unrealistic
And not only would that make me a sociopath
It just simply isn't something I would want for him
Because at one point I did love him
And truth be told, once you love someone
You always care for them
Even if you no longer love them the way you once did

I want him to be happy
I want him to find someone who can provide for him what I never could
I want someone who will cook for him
Clean for him
Have the same beliefs and morals as him
I want him to have what he wants
What he needs

So why am I even giving the idea a second thought?
Perhaps it's because I have never been with anyone else
And the idea that the one person I have ever loved
being with someone else
is a little beyond my grasp at the moment
Maybe it is a fear of finally being completely
100%
FREE
to do what I want
act how I want
say what I want
FREE
to.just.be.me

Do I even know who that is?
My entire life I have lived to be someone to someone else
Until I was15 I was simply daughter
Do good in school
Don't get in trouble
At 15 I became girlfriend
Do good in school
Don't get in trouble
Make time for him
Do what he likes
Don't do anything that makes him unhappy
I remained that girlfriend for 6 years
Then I became wife
And suddenly my role changed
But my responsibility to and for someone else seemed to grow
Suddenly it was
Go to work
Make enough money to help pay the bills
Make time for him
Do what he likes
Don't do anything to make him unhappy
Let him do what he likes to do without you
But be there for him when he gets home
Then in 2008 I became mom
Responsible for everything above
And then another human life
to feed, change, love, nurture and care for this new life
Since 2008 I have been mom x2
Doubling the previous responsibilities to other people
So now, in 2014 when one person who has been my whole life
up to 2011
and then off and on until July 2013
To be FREE from that
Is scary
It's scary
The more I think about it
The more it rings true

I am scared of this FREEDOM
I am scared of the time that I now have to be responsible to and for me
No more excuses that I have too much on my plate
I don't
I have my daughters
Who I still feed and love and nurture and care for
every.single.day
But there is a piece of the pie
Where the ex husband used to be that I can fill in now
with more time spent with the girls
more time dedicated to their growing up
and more time dedicated to me

And THAT is something I have never really done
dedicated myself to me
really and truly
cared for me

THAT is some scary shizz

On a lighter note
Some photos
of a new clock, frizzy sissies and lazy kitties

See how their hairs are sticking to the backs of their chairs.
It's like static city in here
And every time we touch anything we get shocked
NOT COOL


Mr. Pierce is such a pretty kitty
Shhh, don't tell him I said that
It would bruise his macho ego 
 Miss Emmy likes to sleep in the blinds
It's cute
Until she breaks the bamboo blinds
Then it's not so cute
 My new clock
It's a Christmas clock
But the reindeer antlers kinda reminded me of Starbucks
I like the way it looks
You?


. . . And FULL Speed Ahead (Weekly Progress)

Even though I am technically on week 23 of Weight Watchers, 
considering I fell off the wagon to the tune of basically gaining back everything I lost, 
it is really more like week 2. 
Last week I weighed in for New Years on the 30th of December and this week 
. . . Oh bless the Lord and all the strength he has given me . . . 
I lost 9.4lbs this week. 
I realize the majority of that was water weight 
but it was so nice to see the number on the scale just descend so beautifully. 

-9.4lbs

This mama is quite happy about that. 

Progress picture will resume in the future
A future as yet undesignated
I suppose when I actually start SEEING progress in my body again
I am actually quite giddy and inspired
This morning I received a text from a local radio station I had subscribed to
That I actually FORGOT that I had subscribed to
It said:


It made me smile
And it's true
I will not let the fear of failure stop me from trying and trying and trying again

I follow a blog that I have mentioned before
Courtney over at

And reading through her earlier posts from years ago
I am deeply inspired to move in the direction of health

Not vanity
Not skinny-ness
Not beauty

HEALTH

I pinned a zillion of her 'clean eating' pins on Pinterest
and she must think I am some kind of stalker
I promise that is not the case
I am just very motivated by her story
her determination
her strength
Oh, and the food she eats/likes



I intend to make and consume many of these awesome recipes
In the VERY NEAR future

On that note
It is rare that one can be so happy
soar so high
with motivation and inspiration
without someone or something negative to anchor them back to earth
Unfortunately the ex is that anchor for me
He is like a tall pine in the woods
All that is asked of him is to 'stand straight'
(do what is asked in the parenting plan)
but he insists on bending to the left and to the right with the wind
(he just doesn't want to abide by it and is encouraged not to by his friends)
But this Mama Tree is steadfast
I will not bend to the right or the left no matter how hard he pushes
If he wants to change the parenting plan
By all means, he has every right
But until he does 
(to quote one of my favorite books)

Now,
Coffee
Lunch
Relaxation
And meal planning
is in my immediate future



Sunday, January 5, 2014

Just Press Start






I feel like tomorrow presses the START button on the rest of this year. For two weeks now there have been few responsibilities, no school, and little control of what went in my mouth until the 30th as if real life had been on PAUSE.

Tomorrow that changes. It is my first week going back to WW meetings in almost 4 weeks. Tomorrow is my first weigh in where there should will be a loss.

I had scheduled a check up for Sassy due to her gastro-intestinal issues but she seems to be doing very well. I had thought maybe she had a gluten intolerance but her symptoms did not coincide with her gluten consumption. I thought maybe wheat, or sugar or dairy but none of her issues arose when those things were consumed. On the bright side I feel I have been able to pin point two things that make her tummy hurt. Red meat and food that is too rich/fatty. When she eats that, she loses her appetite, complains of tummy aches and just withdraws. When I limit those things she seems to be just hunky dory. I am still debating on keeping the appointment or not.

Next Monday I have my first dentist appointment in over 10 years. Yes, it has been a decade since I last would be an understatement is a blatant lie. I am petrified. I have always been very sensitive about pain above the neck. With chronic ear infections as a child followed by both a tonsillectomy and adnoidectomy (I don't know if that is what it's actually called) and then a bunch of issues with braces for seven years plus all the times I have hit my head and my history of Migraines any pain associated with my head just makes me want to spin on my heels and walk away. BUT I have to go. I have gingivitis, and I think I may have a cavity that I don't want to get worse. I have seen my mom in too much pain with root canals and tooth decay. No thanks! A filling I will endure. What I REALLY hate about dentists is the scraping sensation as they clean your teeth. It gives me the uber chills and NOT in a good way.
saw a dentist and to say I am scared

The girls have their dental check up at the end of the month and both freaked out a little until I promised them they would not have to get fluoride. The last time they experienced that was horrific so I had no problem telling them it would be just a cleaning and maybe X-rays if necessary. They were totally cool with it after that.

The next day (after my dental appointment) I have a re-check at the dermatologist. I have a freckle, birthmark, flat mole THING on my back that I actually like. It isn't raised and it is kind of shaped like a heart but since I was small it has grown from a literal freckle to a thumbnail size brown spot. I was supposed to have it checked in September to make sure it isn't changing shape or color. Oops. Missed that time frame and honestly, I may miss this one too. I just hate going to the doctor so much and the idea of him splicing into my back for a biopsy just does not appeal to me after how badly he butchered my foot. Okay, that is a gross overstatement. He didn't butcher my foot but the month after the biopsy it certainly felt that way. When I had surgery to remove the lesion three months later and the podiatrist dug down deep into the muscle it didn't hurt as badly afterward as when the dermatologist took a sample of the 'surface'.

And throughout the month I am room mom. I do Bible Verses with the kids, I volunteer at Sassy's
school, I am coordinating her teacher's 'half birthday' because her actual birthday is in the summer as well as a school wide event called 'Family Fun Night'. The workers of the event and the parents call it the "Family Not Fun Night' though because it is such a pain in the butt. But hey, it's good for fundraising, right? ((sigh))

*Tangent: the heater just came on and a very potent cologne smell (like my ex's) just poured through onto my feet (floor heater) and up into my face. That was not expected.at.all.

On that note, I entered a virtual 5k over at Katie's blog Runs for Cookies and I am supposed to do it on January 25th in honor of her birthday. (That's my grandpa's birthday too) So, I am going to commit to this... whether it be walking or jogging, I am going to do that 5k. 3.1 miles. I can do that and I have 20 days to prepare for it. A-Walking-I-Will-Go ...




Saturday, January 4, 2014

I Am What I Am

I am so saddened
By the amount of negativity in our world
That anything from the simplest statement
to the most profound actions
made with good intentions
Can be so poorly interpreted
Both unknowingly and for the purpose of creating drama

I had the opportunity to re-post something on my Facebook page
It moved me to tears
The story itself
&
The testimony
Not long after a post about the same thing surfaced on my wall
Only in this post the girl who re-posted
was belittling 
berating
criticising
everything that I had thought was beautiful
Saying it was false
A pretense
I commented that regardless, the meaning behind the supposed
falsity
pretense
was a pretty good lesson
moral
way of life
To which she responded in not so many words
that I was delusional and naive

I am what I am
I suppose
I believe what I believe
But I have learned something in this short 29 years here on planet earth:

Whether you are only a few days old
Or 101 years old
Man or woman or hermaphrodite
White or black or brown or yellow or red or purple
Blue, green, brown, gray or violet eyed
Heavy or thin
Tall or short
No matter what language you do or do not speak
Whether you are married or single
Whether you consider yourself straight, gay, lesbian, transvestite, transgender
Whether you are educationally 'smart or dumb'
Street smart or completely green
A super star or a nobody
Successful or a perceived failure
Rich or poor
Sick or healthy
A mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a cousin
Whether you love cats or dogs or don't like them at all
Whether you prefer cold or hot
Pasta, rice or potatoes
Whether you are an omnivore, carnivore, vegetarian, pescetarian, or vegan
Whether you discipline your kids by spanking or not
Whether you discipline your kids at all
Whether you believe in the death penalty or not
Whether you believe in the use of marijuana for any purpose
Whether you love the United States or detest everything it stands for
Whether you like the color pink or black or blue or any other color of the rainbow
Whether you believe the chicken came before the egg or vice versa
Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life
Whether you are republican, democrat, independent, socialist, communist, or Marxist
Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Agnostic, Atheist or other

IT DOESN'T MATTER
Because people will judge you
People thrive on judging the beliefs, opinions and lives of other people


I am a 29 year old woman
Of white skin color and brown eyes
Short and heavy
I am bilingual and I am divorced
I am straight
And of average intelligence both academically and 'street wise'
To most I am a Jane, a Nobody, Someone most have never heard of
And many might call my life thus far a 'train wreck' or a failure
I am financially poor
But I am physically healthy
I am a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter a sister, a niece, a cousin
I prefer the cold
Cats
Potatoes over any other carbs
An omnivore
And I believe spankings on the bottom or on the hand have their purpose
I believe in discipline
And though it hurts my heart that it is ever necessary 
I also believe in the death penalty
I do not believe Marijuana should be legalized in any capacity
I love my country
My favorite color is cotton candy pink
And I do believe the chicken came before the egg
Pro-life
Independent
Christian

And 

People 
Will 
Judge me

For every last detail and more of what I just said

But I am what I am
I will not change what I am
I am who I am
God made me this way
It is impossible to eradicate myself
And simultaneously believe what I believe


"Let you look sometimes for the goodness in me, and judge me not." 

-Arthur Miller

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? 
James 4:12

Friday, January 3, 2014

Future Husband

Last night I felt compelled to write a letter to my future husband, if one exists. I thought I would share it here on my blog but then I thought that some things are very personal. I thought that perhaps it would lose its intimacy if I shared it with the whole world BEFORE I shared it with him. And if there is no him to share it with then there would be no reason to share it in the first place. That being said, I want so badly for God to lead someone into my life but know that if He doesn't then He has other plans for me. I also know that if He does I will know if he is led by God or not.



Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Nast Light was Mo Fuch Sun!

** This post is being edited**
Why? 
And why am I telling you? 
Because frankly, I am embarrassed
After publishing it, 
I re-read it 
and realized how RIDICULOUS my grammar and spelling are 
So, even though it shows that no one has viewed it yet, 
I will leave the text as is 
Stupidity and all
with RED italics to show what I MEANT to say 
((smh)) 
I am a writer and THIS is embarrassing. 

Didja catch that? I wrote the title, thought I should delete it and then thought I would start by saying that 2014 has gotten off to a fun start ... starting with my completely (complete) inability to speak properly or even type properly which turns my words into a different language. I would say dyslexia has something to do with it but I have never been formally diagnosed - though I certainly haven't ruled it out either. Anyway, if you haven't guessed, the title was supposed to (be) Last Night was So Much Fun. And it was!

We ate turkey dinner - our picnic version - played Bunco with our immediate and extended family (not sure why I didn't just say family considering immediate and extended pretty much sums up everyone). The girls were so good. They watched episodes of Full House (I bought for them for Christmas the entire series because they love it so much -- this is where speaking a second language interferes with my native tongue ... that whole mess was supposed to say = I bought the entire series for them for Christmas because they love it so much) and played with their cousin's barbies. Then the family hung out together until the ball dropped in NYC. I will admit I was a bit appalled to have to watch Miley Cyrus to bring in the New Year, but hey! I am alive and well ... and well, it's all good.

My sister and her goofy boyfriend

Breezy and Yzzil

Great Papa and Sass

Daisy (the pup) trying desperately
to join all of us on the sofa
No, no girl

Sass and Mama
Don't ask about my face, cuz I have no idea

The 3 other generations
Great Momo, Nana and my girls Plus Great Auntie J


Today I woke up and got Breezy ready for her 2nd horse riding lesson. She was calm and collected and you would never know just how excited she was about going to that lesson unless you were me. Her excitement was apparent in her lack of complaining when I brushed her hair, her ability to not only quickly put on her cowgirl boots but to don socks beneath them on her own volition which is absolutely unheard of. Her excitement was more than obvious in how she sat for a dozen minutes while I adjusted and readjusted her helmet to fit her (growing) head. And as her mama I could see the sparkle in her eye and the wide grin on her face in my rearview mirror as we drove to the stables listening to God music. This girl's heart is on a ranch with horses.

When we arrived I wasn't certain we were at the correct stables because there are several on one dirt road but we had some guests come out to greet us which we took as a sign that we were in the correct place. As soon as I parked this is what happened.


This cute little girl kitty (who we later learned was named Princess aka Meatball) jumped right up on my hoot (hood) and started rolling around all over it. I imagine it was warm from the engine being on and it was cold outside so she thought... ahhhh niiiice. 

Breezy and I got out of the car and in addition, three more kitties came to greet us as well as a three legged shepherd dog. It was very sweet and they were all super clean and friendly. (I am always worried about the buggies that outdoor animals attract)





I couldn't get a good picture of the other orange tabby or grey cat or the three legged dog.

Then Breezy's instructor arrived and we went into the stables where she brought out Glory.


Glory is a 20+ year old mare and is such a well broken, good tempered girl horse. Isn't she pretty? We almost didn't recognize her from the last time we saw her in June when she was sleek and shiny and 'looked' much slimmer. This time she was super furry and 'fluffy' because her winter coat hasn't been cut yet. 

And Breezy rode her like a pro even though it was only her second time. Unfortunately my phone died mid lesson so I only got two photos. The first is Breezy mounting Glory and the second is Breezy trotting Glory straight into me. Haha 



Meanwhile Sassy spent the afternoon with her great grandma, setting up the playroom in their house, eating lunch out, going for a walk to the neighborhood park and hanging out with Great Papa. 

All in all it was a great start to the year. May the days continue with such beautiful blessings.



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