Sunday, September 28, 2014

I've Become THAT Person

I've been gone for a week 
as it has been made known to me
which makes me the kind of person
or blogger, if you prefer
that I have a love/hate relationship with
and I am honestly not very happy with myself about it

I love to blog
I love to write, actually
It is one of my deepest passions 
(besides reading - but different side of the same coin IMO)
Anyway, I hate when a blogger I love to read
drops off the edge of the earth with little explanation

So, here I am and my explanation is simple but unsatisfactory
even to me
Life got in the way
I got busy
Life happened and is happening
I always hate when blogger say this because I always feel like
WELL, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING ABOUT YOUR BUSY LIFE?!?!

But the truth is 
I jot down things I would like to blog about all day
My cousin's 13th 'murder mystery' birthday party 
that I played photographer 
(literally)


My girls' first ever jog-a-thon 
where they ran 12 and 15 laps respectively in 20 minutes
(7 laps is a mile)



I have wanted to write about my opinions
on some of the disturbing things going on in our world
my ebbing and flowing sadness surrounding that
and other things
Still being sick
Wondering if this is something more serious than just what the doctors are finding
Worrying
A LOT

I have wanted to write about the girls' experiences at school
with new teachers
and bullies
and friends
and social dynamics
and the school/mommy politics 
that all parents who don't home school their children
MUST ENDURE



And yet 
those notes sit without elaboration on my notes app in my iPhone
and they sit there FOREVER
and then eventually I delete them
not only because I don't think they are worthy of writing about anymore
but because by then it has been so long
that I don't even know what to write about

So that is my explanation of absence
Except also,
It is ROUGH being a single mom
Not just physically 
but it is emotionally draining
mentally fatiguing
It is ROUGH pulling the brunt of the weight alone
and there is no way to explain it adequately 
to someone who has never experienced it
(kinda like labor pains)
It is ROUGH when you have family seeing into your life 
as a third party
with so many opinions on how you should do something 
or what you're doing wrong
that is makes your head spin
I also realize it would be truly ROUGH to endure it all truly alone
for that I am thankful
That I am NOT truly alone

And so, instead of blogging
In my free time
When I'm not
volunteering, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, rebuffing the ex, trying to figure out how I'm going to teach Spanish in January, going to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and all that fun jazz
I am enjoying my solitude
Reading good books, watching good shows 
(Once Upon a Time truly has me hooked now)
I am enjoying my family over coffee 
(of which I realize I am drinking far too much of these days)
And enjoying life



So,
Thanks for understanding 
and being here when I do pop in 


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Tears and Miracles

First, thank you to those who e-mailed and PMed me
about disappearing
and not making a peep
I apologize for my hiatus

I am still sick
YES
STILL
UGH!

Breezy is having a hard time with separation anxiety at school. She went through her first day of school which was on a Thursday and then an entire week of school just fine. But starting the day before yesterday she hasn't wanted me to leave and cries after I do. Thankfully my Aunt works at the school and her teacher is exceptionally qualified not only as an amazing kindergarten teacher but a mom of a couple kids around the same age. The aides and teachers there go above and beyond the call of duty, lavishing kiddos in hugs and support. 



(She attends a private school and I am so thankful because all the hugs and affection might call negative attention in a public school - once again God has truly blessed my girls to go to such an amazing place of education) 



Anyway, this mommy's heart has been broken between Tuesday and today. My Aunt (who, like I said, works there) told me that Breezy did all her work in class with tears running down her face and then in music she sang all the songs and did everything she was supposed to do with tears running down her cheeks and then they had a BLESSED FIRE DRILL. And the excitement somehow brought her out of her little depression and for the remainder of the day (about 1.5 hours) she was a content camper. Thankfully she does not have school tomorrow so there will be a bit of an emotional reprieve for both of us. She was so excited to know she gets to spend it with me - which heals my broken mommy heart significantly.    



On that note, something happened today that made me see the world in a clear, revitalized way. For the past weeks I have really been struggling with how to pay this month's bills. Money is not exactly pouring in and I was really trying to scrounge and pull out all the stops. But the river ran dry pretty quickly. I obviously have options but none of them are easy and some of them would be downright painful so I prayed. I waited. I prayed. I started to resign myself that nothing was going to change and this next coming week I was going to have to make some really really difficult decisions.



Then, tonight, while at gymnastics with Sassy and Breezy and my Gramma, my Gramma pulls an envelope from her purse. It is from some extended family. Specifically my aunt's in-laws who are like my grandparents but also not. It is a very unique family dynamic. Anyway, I opened the envelope and inside was a card. This is not unusual. My uncle's mother is very sweet and loves to send loving cards especially when she feels it on her heart that someone is in need of encouragement or love or support. Another tidbit you should know is that these people are not rich. They aren't really poor either but they live meagerly on a veterans salary and SS income. So, there really isn't a lot of extra income to be spreading amongst the masses and they just gave $50 to my cousin (who they are blood related to) who is turning 13. That being said, I opened the card and almost fainted. Inside, folded once and tucked neatly into the fold of the card was a $100 bill. I almost cried but was able to stop myself in front of a room full of gymnastics parents. 



I have never felt so blessed as I did in that moment. To know they were thinking of the girls and me. To know that God allowed them to see or feel my need. To know they were able to help me, without even knowing that I REALLY REALLY needed help. I was awe-struck and flabbergasted. I still am, but thrilled and elated and SO, SO, SO very thankful. 

And that is where I must leave off . . .
One more week day left and then sleeping in . . . I love sleeping in . . .





Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Today's Been . . . A Day

If I basically snort really hard 
I can kinda sorta taste my coffee
Which sucks
I.Can't. Taste.My.Coffee
This is an emergency of epic proportions
Other than that my head feels like 
I have a two-ton brick stuck up my nose 
nestled snug and warm in the left side of my sinuses
Surely, when I sleep tonight
it will transfer to whichever side I choose to lay on
Fun times, I tell ya!


^^ thank you Junior, at least someone understands ^^


On another super exciting note
I had to renew my health insurance today
and it had been transferred to another company
so what should have been simple
became a very long, drawn out process
I spent 2.5 hours on the phone with them
because people like to change what isn't broken
and effing break it in the process
this too can be done for you . . . ugh



Also, the ex husband decided he will go to the visitation center
to see the girls
after a year of not seeing them
Oh boy
can - you - sense - my - enthusiasm ? ? ?
I won't tell them until it actually happens though
there's no need to stress them out prematurely
especially since he is such reliable and dependable person
who always does what he says he will do



Of course this came about after yesterday's situation
Where the bank called him to make a payment on my car
that he agreed to pay in our divorce agreement
and he LIED to them and told them it was my responsibility
so, I called him on his BS
and sent him photocopies of the documents 
stating which assets and debts were allotted where
I didn't do it to piss him off
I wanted a record of me specifically telling/showing him
so no one could hold THAT over my head
he responded with this LOVELY TIDBIT
 . . .  and I quote 
(and translate because it was in Spanish) 
for your viewing pleasure . . . 
(because so many of you commented and e-mailed 
that you love hearing about his idiocy)

"You know what?
I don't care anymore
and don't send me another message
because I am going to open the
{custody} case
and fight for my rights
You don't know what's waiting for you."



Aside from wanting to finish the 'fight for my rights' portion 
with 'to partay"
I was taken aback
I shouldn't have been
I should have expected that
But what I honestly expected was radio silence
I knew he wouldn't care
I definitely knew he wouldn't pay the payment
(why would he now, after 4 years of not?)
What I never get used to though
are the threats
and over the years they become more vague and sinister

he.seriously.scares.me

and not in the cutesy 'oh, my ex is such a jerk. he can be so scary' way
but in the, 'he legitimately scares me' way

Anywhoozle,
aside from wanting to poke a fork in my eye to relieve the pressure in my face
and wanting to rip my hair out from dealing with stupid insurance people
and feeling my heart race and my stomach twist
because it still does whenever the ass wipe threatens me or my girls

it's been a good day

and when I say good

I mean good because 

I am alive

My girls are alive

we are all (relatively) healthy

we are all safe

we have food, clothes, and a house

and we have people who love us

Thanks to God

I'm gonna go curl up on the couch
with my blanky and suck my thumb now



Goodnight


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Confessions (I Can't Count That High)

This is my confession
(from the Josh Groban song)

// you are the air that I breathe . . . but not really . . . that's the next line in the song

//I have a secret but I am not ready to spill the beans yet

// I am getting sick . . . again . . . but, like, a cold this time . . . nothing ridiculous like debilitating edema followed by pre-pneumonia because that would just be stupid

// I hope the guy who called yesterday calls again . . . and yes, I realize that is sadistic



// this old lady (me) has been going to bed around 10:30 every night . . . she doesn't even remember the nights of only a couple weeks ago, staying up until 2am-3am

// my sister has a secret . . . and it is most likely that I will tell you her secret before I tell you mine . . . which will be on Friday . . . telling you hers . . . not mine . . . cuz I'm not ready



// I am a total sucker for the corporate propaganda suck of all things pumpkin . . . I want all the pumpkin smelling and tasting things!! Right.Now

// I returned White Space to Barnes & Noble and got a trilogy instead which is moving along at a much better pace

// the bank that owns my car loan called the ex husband and asked him to make a payment. He told them the car is mine and I am responsible for the payments. I kindly without a word sent him Exhibit A and Exhibit B of our divorce decree that states while the car is indeed mine, he in fact is responsible for the payment. So far he has not responded . . . I am unsure if he will . . . he really needs to get his sh*t together

// I am typing this with burning eyes, plugged up nose and breathing noisily through my mouth which is causing chapped lips . . . this makes me cranky



// I have a freckles . . . what's that you say? You knew this. Well, now you know it again

// No, I haven't been drinking. I'm tired

// What's that you say? Shut the heck up and go to bed?

Ok


Vodka and Soda




When Did This Become Acceptable?

Today I received a phone call 
The caller ID said
Port Townsen WA

This is the conversation that ensued

Me:
Hello?

Guy calling:
Is (he uses my mom's first name) there?

Me:
Who's calling?

Guy calling:
Jim

Me:
Jim, from?

Jim:
I'm calling for (he uses my mom's first name)

Me:
I realize but she doesn't know any Jims so please tell me where you are calling from.

Jim:
A private business matter
(( is that a place you can call from?)) 
((insert eye roll))



Me:
Really? Regarding?

Jim:
Are you (inserts my mom's first name)?

Me:
No, this is her daughter

Jim:
Is (he uses my mom's first name) home?

Me:
No, no she's not

Jim:
When will she be?

Me:
I don't know but probably not any time you'll be able to get a hold of her because I'm pretty sure she won't want to talk to you even when she is.

Jim:
Why are you being so rude?

Me:
Look Jim, you are calling my house. I just want to know who you are and you won't tell me, so don't call me . . .

(he interrupts me)



Jim:
This isn't your house. This is (he uses my mom's first name)'s house

Me:
Jim, this is my house. I live here. Additionally, this is MY phone.

Jim:
How would (he uses my mom's first name) feel about you using her phone, calling it yours and prying into her personal business?



Me:
Jim, don't call MY house, call me rude, then a liar and them presume to think my mom would care about me asking to know who you are and what you want since she doesn't know you.

Jim: 
So, you're not going to let me talk to her?

Me:
I told you, she's not here

Jim:
Fine, I'll find another way to get a hold of her

Me: 
Yeah, good luck with that Buddy. Bye!

I hung up

Now, I don't know if he was a telemarketer, a debt collector, a random call center doing an interview or just a prank call but I receive these calls ALL TOO OFTEN these days.

Since when did it become common place to call a person's home and be a jackass?
((even though I recognize I was the jackass first - but hey, my house my rules))

When did it become commonplace for a person to call another person by their first name when they don't know them? What happened to Mr. or Mrs. and their last name?

When did it become acceptable to not only assume that the number you're calling belongs to no one other than the person your calling? Is it not a plausible circumstance? Because, it totally is

When did it become acceptable to hide information about who you are as a caller and even the most basic information about why you are calling?

It should be obligatory to say, my name is XXX from company XXX and the purpose of my call is to A) collect a debt, B) sell you something C) get information D) give you a survey E) whatever your intents and purposes are

If they can't say any of that because they are talking to the wrong person because the right person didn't happen to pick up the phone, or doesn't want to take the call, or is wary because the caller is shady with their information then they need to just DROP IT and say they'll call back at another time. 

I am tired of rudeness being commonplace

I simply wanted to know 
who THE FRICK he was



where he was calling from
and what regarding

Because, yes, we all screen our calls in this house

and, no, my mom does NOT care if I know her business

We know each other's business

It's no big thing

I realize legally and due to privacy acts it can be a big thing
for them

But seriously
THAT ISN'T MY PROBLEM
Go fly a kite if you don't want to answer my questions

Find another way to get the information to or from the person you need to contact
Because the ruder you are to me the more hostile I will be to you
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CALLED ME
I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO CALL ME
AND I DON'T WANT YOU CALL ME
SO EFFING BE NICE WHEN YOU DO
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT ME TO PASS ON A MESSAGE
OR DO SOMETHING FOR YOU
MMMK??

My cranky moment is now over 
and I feel much better
Thank you for enduring my rant



 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I Hate White Space

Ok, ok, ok
I don't HATE it per se
but jeez, it's a hard read



I have a ton of other books I NEED to read

The Game of Thrones Series
The Divergent Series
The Maze Runner Series
The Fault in Our Stars
I need to remember where I left off in the 
In Death Series by J.D. Robb
because suddenly there are a whole bunch of her books out
and I haven't read several of them

Then of course
I come full circle
Knowing
I need to finish 
White Space
even though I feel I may die from boredom
or confusion
or both
But I have a bit of a compulsive personality
(hahaha, yeah, a bit)
so, if I own a book
I.Must.Read.It

Of course all these books
(except White Space . . . grrr)
will need to be found at the library
Because I don't have a small mountain made of money in my backyard
I wish I did
and that I could use it
just.to.buy.books
but alas . . .



I am still overwhelmed from finishing The Mortal Instruments series
I was so sad and depressed when it ended
Especially since I had already read The Infernal Devices
But I am so excited because sometime in 2015
Cassandra Clare will release
The Dark Artifices
!!!

And lastly!

Please enter my giveaway below 
for a FREE COPY of 
Charlene Carr's 

SKINNY ME






Brave Love Blog

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Skinny Me

As I wrote in my previous post 
I recently went to Barnes & Noble 
Where I proceeded to pick out the first random book that looked good
It is called White Space
Almost 20 pages in 
(which took me too long to get through to begin with)
I just could.not.get.into it!


But I needed something to read
and as if by some telepathy
I received an e-mail
asking if I would review a book called
"Skinny Me"

I read the author bio and the blurb and was hooked
The premise was reminiscent of a Jennifer Weiner novel
and I LOVE JENNIFER WEINER
her coming of age
coming into ones self
learning to love oneself
messages are always awesome
and I felt that this book would be similar to that

This book

"Skinny Me"
by Charlene Carr 

did NOT disappoint!

The entire text is wholly cathartic
for both the protagonist
and the reader
I found myself eating up the 130 pages;
*and finished it in 4 hours*
relating to Jennifer (the main character) in so many ways
her insecurities
her perceived short comings
her self-loathing projected onto everyone around her
in the form of anger and jealousy
My heart squeezed for the hurt child beneath the skin of the fat woman
My stomach convulsed with her binging to control and numb her emotions
My righteous indignation flared every time someone was cruel or rude to her
And the little girl inside of me who has grown into a woman
who hides behind these layers of extra poundage
cheered for the physical success when she finally began to lose weight
and then when she reached her goals
I found myself broken with her by the facts
that a number on the scale
and
the acceptance of others
 will NOT make you happy
you have to find happiness and acceptance within yourself

This book is exceptionally and intuitively written
Raw, emotional, and witty too!
I would suggest anyone on a weight loss journey
(whether it is the beginning, the middle, or you have reached goal)
should read it

Charlene has generously offered 3 FREE digital downloads
for my readers

ENTER HERE YOUR FREE COPY OF 
"SKINNY ME"

downloads are available in .mobi and .epub files
If you do not have an e-reader to access these files 
the .epub files can be accessed at magicscroll.net

and even if you don't win a FREE COPY  . . . 





Book blurb:
Jennifer Carpenter dreams of being a different person – A person with confidence, a person with beauty, a person who weighs a heck of a lot less. At twenty-seven, her world falls apart. She’s out of work, her mother has died, her estranged brother is in a coma and, despite good qualifications, each and every job interview ends in another rejection. Marked by the teasing, taunts, and fat jokes that defined her childhood, Jennifer blames her current lack of success on her ever-growing waist band. In need of a change, Jennifer puts her dream of ‘skinny’ above all else. Obsessed with this mission, she devotes her life to becoming the ideal version of herself even if it means becoming alienated from the only people who love her. Determined to lose the weight she believes is ruining her life, Jennifer finds herself in danger of losing so much more.

Author Bio: 
Charlene Carr has been in love with words for as long as she can remember. A voracious reader, when she needed punishment as a child, her parents took her books away. These punishments were blessings in disguise. They gave her the chance to create her own stories. Pursuing her life-long love of words, Charlene studied literature in University, attaining both a BA and MA in English Literature. She contributed to that learning by also earning a Bachelor of Journalism. She chose a career as a freelance writer, editor, and facilitator, allowing her to continue to develop and grow her writing skill while having the time and flexibility to focus on her own creative work. She has numerous media publications and was a regular performer as a spoken word artist when she lived in Halifax, NS. Charlene lives in St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada and loves exploring the amazing coastline of her harbour town, dancing up a storm, and using her husband as a guinea pig for the healthy, yummy recipes she creates! 


Friday, September 5, 2014

Meatload and Deluxe Death

Oh autocorrect . . . how I loathe thee

Unless you are living under a rock 
I assume you know what this is
for anyone who doesn't 
(seriously?) 
It is the function of most technological devices 
that changes misspelled/misused words 
to what the device perceives the word 'should be'
without the users express direction 
(or permission) 
to do so

Today, for example
via text
a friend asked me what I was making for dinner
My answer was supposed to be 
Meatloaf
But for whatever reason 
my autocorrect changed it to
Meatload
Meat-Load

Let that sink in . . .
It sounds like a dirty word in bad erotica



My friend then asked me about an ice cream I had bought
that he had tried 
"What was that called?"
I meant to type Deluxe Death By Chocolate
(Deluxe is the brand and Death by Chocolate is the flavor)
But for whatever reason
(again)
My autocorrect didn't like how I wrote
bychoclate 
all-run-together
and instead of guessing what I meant
completely eliminated the errant word
Leaving my answer as
Deluxe Death

Yep,
We are having 
MEATLOAD
for dinner
and a heaping scoop of 
DELUXE DEATH
for dessert





Who wants to come over?


Thursday, September 4, 2014

18+ Hours

As I am writing this post I have been awake for more than 18 hours
I feel like I am literally awake on fumes . . . and wine
Mostly wine
Today went on without event
The girls enjoyed their respective first days of school
Thank God




Meanwhile I spent my first day as a free mom
(all glorious 6 hours of it)
I went to The Olive Garden and Barnes & Noble 
with my mom and sister
and the feeling of walking into a restaurant and store 
with not a care in the world
was priceless



then spending time there
eating
perusing
not thinking about anything in particular
unfocused
and enjoying every moment of it
was priceless on top of priceless

{I was overjoyed to go pick up my girlies at the end of the day though}
{I missed them oodles}

I am not feeling particularly wordy tonight
{I am actually feel very tired and a bit overheated from the wine}
so, other new things going on in my neck of the woods cowtown

// I have a horrible aphthous ulcer on my tongue and it hurts like a &*$@%

// In addition my throat has been extraordinarily sore and raw

// I am done with my Prednisone for my lungs now
but am still popping pills
(prescription antacids)
because the excessive acid production from the Prednisone is still going on
It makes me feel like a Gremlin is trying to claw-climb through my stomach
into the open free space in front of me
to have a chat

// I had my first PSL
(Pumpkin Spice Latte)
of the season
and boo-hoo to all the PSL nay-sayers
It was delish and I plan to have many more this season
(though I may limit them to 1
*maybe 2*
a week - because hi, they are super caloric)


// I started watching Once Upon a Time
It pretty much rocks
not to mention, totally feeds the Disney FREAK inside me

// and now it's time to say goodnight
to all the blog-o-sphere
g-o-o-d
n-i-gh-t
until
to-mor-or-ow
{sung to the music of The Mickey Mouse Club, of course}




Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Confessions VIII

Let's get straight to it . . .

// I am linking up with three different blogs today
(can we say blog link-up whore?)


but I am only doing the Humpday confessions from Kathy's because
#1: I don't wanna talk about my earliest memory. It is morbid and sad and depressing.
#2. I don't wanna talk about what I wanted to be when I grew up

// I'm grown . . . shocker



// I ate 2 bowls of Lucky Charms for dinner and am eyeing a box of Chicken in a Biscuit
-
it's taunting me

// You know what is really taunting me?
The bottle of red wine I bought 2 weeks ago and haven't been able to touch because yeah, prescription meds + alcohol = big no no



// on the subject of food, I have found that while on Prednisone I do not crave salt. I have this all encompassing desire for sugar . . . I hate sugar.

// on the topic of Prednisone; I still have 3 more days of doses I am supposed to take but I am going to be a complete rebel (and probably a complete idiot) and not take them because it honestly makes me feel like a ten ton log of dooky

// speaking of feeling like dooky, I found myself having some breathing abnormalities and chest constriction at the school's open house today. While I was processing my discomfort I realized I had been staring at one of the moms who was having a whispered conversation with another mom. I smiled to try and look less like the creepy eavesdropper I knew she was judging me as . . .  and she kind of smile/grimaced/raised an eyebrow back . . .
Awk-ward.



// I love fall . . .  but I hate football and it's football season . . . bleck
#footballgetoffmyfacebookwall
#footballgetoffmytwitterfeed 
#intheminority
#dontjudgeme



// My most comfiest pair of yoga pants have a massive hole in the upper leg but I am wearing them anyway because they are comfy and I am #notevensorry that I may never throw them away regardless of how big the hole gets

// that being said, my favorite t-shirt (which I am also wearing) has several tiny holes in the shoulder, the belly and the pocket (cuz it's a man's t-shirt) and I may never throw this one away either

// Yesterday was the ex-husband's 39th birthday. I fought with myself about whether I should have the girls call to wish him a happy birthday. Or even to tell them it's his birthday at all. To wreak havoc on their peaceful little lives or not to. In the end my logical peace preserving self won out over my idealistic self and said, 'Self, why put your innocent babies in the predicament of being verbally abused again?' and my idealistic self conceded and agreed.
#sorrynotsorry

// I am feeling massively overwhelmed by everything at this very moment
It feels like it's all going to come crashing down on me
- School starting
- Having to keep a good schedule/routine
-Planning out weekly dinners
- Prepping dinner every morning so it's ready by evening
- Being room mom and verse parent
- Planning.all.the.parties
- Preparation for teaching Spanish in January
- Having to renew my drivers license that is going to expire on my 30th birthday
-My 30th birthday that is coming in a month
- RESPONS-I-BILITY
- SOCIAL-IZATION
!!!
(I don't like being socialized)



// if my step-dad used the words 'common sense' one more time at dinner tonight I was going to have a flipping coronary . . . I think, in one long run on sentence describing what he believes are his superior logic skills, he used the words 'common sense' 8 times . . . as in 'it's just common sense' and 'even idiots have that much common sense' and 'it doesn't take a rocket scientist to have common sense' . . . I seriously wanted to put him out of his 'common sense'. . .
especially since he ironically has.none

// I am passionately anti-declaw
(yeah, I know, totally random)



// Tomorrow I have to take pictures of bee poop that is splattered all over my car's windshield as evidence that a nearby neighbor's bee swarms/hives are becoming burdensome to the community
#dontask

// tomorrow is officially the last day of my summer

// which of course, now that my swollen cankles have receded and my lungs are inflating semi-properly, means it is Murphy's Law that I will get my first autumn cold . . . yep, ladies and gentlemen . . . this morning I woke up with a sore throat . . . fanfrickin'tastic
#FML




Brave Love Blog

Vodka and Soda

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