Saturday, December 12, 2015

I'm Baaaacccckk, 'Cuz That's Not Creepy

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to write these days. Sometimes the urge just hits me, I sit down to type and somehow a semi-decent post is created. Today I have been sitting here for about 20 minutes staring out my big bay window in front of my desk, unable to focus and unable to really think of what to write.

Yesterday was the 5th day out of 8 weeks that I overate. I blame my inability to focus on the mass amount of fat and carbs I loaded into my body and begged my mom last night after dinner to remind me how utterly miserable I feel when I eat that way. Thankfully, these days, those small reminders of nausea and constant trips to the bathroom and feeling like a bloated cow actually are sufficient to keep me on track.

I am not proud of how my day went yesterday. From the 3 vanilla bean scones, followed by the lemon loaf my kids decided they weren't going to eat, to eating the other half of my daughter's turkey sandwich in ADDITION to my own lunch. I snacked and snacked and grazed and my body literally felt like I had stretched it to capacity by the time I finished my Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande for dinner. (I know, what the HELL was I thinking?) I literally felt as though I was going to vomit, but as I said before that feeling of complete disgust and sickness that I have put myself through 5 times now, has really propelled me to stay within my calories and guidelines of eating.

Something I am desperately UNHAPPY about is the fact that while I am exercising my body has decided to revolt against me. Because I have this wonderful disorder called hidradentitis superrativa that causes large blood and puss filled bumps to form in my armpits and groin when I sweat and then burst and cause me all kinds of pain (not to mention ruin my bras and underwear) So, being that I have joined curves and have gone religiously on the weekdays (except Friday because my kiddos were sick and home from school) and have been doing all kinds of sweating my body has decided to create all kinds of pain for me. I have 4 new bumps under one arm, 2 in the other and a couple in places I don't even want to talk about. Why does my body HATE me? I can only pray that as my body shrinks and the skin rubs together less and there is less sweaty friction that these damn bumps realize they aren't necessary.

Last night I had a scare with Sassy. As I said, the girls have been under the weather and when Sassy gets sick her nodes swell and she gets a very stiff back and neck. Well, last night was the worst she had ever experienced and every.time she gets sick my mommy's heart cringes hoping and praying that she hasn't somehow contracted bacterial meningitis. If you didn't know, bacterial meningitis is a potentially fatal infection of the fluid of the spinal chord and brain stem. Also if you didn't know, the only way to 100% detect it is to do a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) and the last thing I will tell you in case you didn't know is that one of the main symptoms is being unable to tip your head forward to touch your chin to your chest. Well, whenever Sassy gets sick she is unable to tip her chin to her chest. Thankfully it always has to do with the size of her lymph nodes and not any bacterial infection. Last night however she was unable to turn or tilt her head in ANY direction which scared the living BAJEEZUZ out of me. I prayed and prayed after I had settled her in bed with a heating pad on her neck that she would have better neck movement in the morning and THANK THE GOOD LORD she was able to touch her chin to her chest this morning. GOD IS GOOD.

Sadly though, my mom who has been having some severe dizziness and falling issues woke up and couldn't get out of bed this morning due to being intensely nauseated and feeling like her eyes were wobbling inside her head. GREAT! So, I immediately made a doctors appointment for her on Monday. Now if everyone can just stay healthy for Christmas I would be greatly obliged!

And on that note, I think I have finally decided to come back online . . .

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

That Time I Didn't Post When I Normally Would Have

I haven't posted since October, but you wouldn't notice because my blog has been private for an eternity or so. I on the other hand have been up to some stuff in these couple of months. Without writing or posting about it or discussing it at all I have actually been succeeding at this whole weight loss thing. The day of my 31st birthday I weighed around 365 lbs. The day after my 31st birthday I weighed in at 359.9 lbs. I decided that enough was enough. I have a trip in April I wanted to feel healthy for and I want to be ALIVE dammit!!

So the day after my birthday I re-opened my myfitnesspal diary, deleted ALL the old entries (some from as old as 2010) and started new. Myfitnesspal tells me how many calories I should be eating daily to lose the recommended 2 lbs a week and I have followed that religiously -- all but 4 days of these 8 weeks - The first day was Halloween where I did not binge but I did go past my calories and then again during the day before, the day of and the day after Thanksgiving. I had only planned to eat over my calories on Thanksgiving, but no one is perfect, right?

I am now down  16.6lbs in 8 weeks (real weight. I didn't count the initial loss) I have also made the leap to be more active and joined Curves . . . a gym of sorts that is only for women, uses strength training circuits, yoga, balance, dance and zumba. I sweat like crazy, feel my muscles working and am actually feeling stronger and good about myself . . . FINALLY!

Thursday, October 8, 2015

That Time My Intentions Turned to Shit

I have discovered I am a mimic writer. My thoughts are my own but in order to provoke them to leave my brain through my fingers I have to read something else that someone else has written to set the tone for whatever I am writing. It is odd.

That being said, my blog is still private and since the last time I wrote there has been literally anti-progress. Yes, I think I have actually gained weight since I last wrote. I don't seem to be able to even keep promises to myself these days.

My birthday is in 5 days and I told myself my birthday present to myself would be eating healthy and exercising. It would be kind of rude for me to decline, right? Just a little multi-personality disorder . . . not really but with as torn as I am between eating until I am 600lbs and starting this healthy lifestyle once and for all, you'd think I had a few different personalities lurking in my head.

Speaking of a healthy lifestyle. I am so tired of all jargon. The lingo. I don't want to go on a diet or start eating healthy or live a healthy lifestyle. I just want to stop eating shit so I can stop feeling like shit. I am at the point where most things taste like cardboard anyway. I literally cannot satiate my palette and end up eating so much I may as well burst.

I am so tired of this body that I live in. I have rolls on my biceps, my gut sticks out farther than my boobs, my ass is literally wider than I am tall, I have been having insane breakouts of hidradenitis suppurativa (nasty cysts that break open and bleed and bleed and create tracks under the skin so another one can form. It is painful and creates terrible purple scars where ever it surfaces). I am tired of my thighs rubbing together, having to lift my stomach to wash my lady parts, the triple chin, the swollen fingers and feet and ankles. Oh and elephant skin ... gahhh.. on my ankles, knees and elbows... no matter how I exfoliate and loofa it is just terrible.

I am tired of wondering if people are smiling at me with a genuine smile or one of pity. I used to get looks of appreciation but I can no longer tell them apart from the ones of shock at my girth. The button popped off my only pair of fitting jeans and so I have to hold the top together with a rubber band. This only after my favorite pair of work pants split in the thigh. Which leads into my financial crisis . . .

The ex husband left the burden of a very large bill on my shoulders even though our divorce decree had assigned it to him. Unfortunately the bill NEEDED to be paid and in order to pay it and keep up with food, clothes, and necessities for Sass and Breeze I accrued some credit card debt. Now that the bill has been paid off I have this amazing credit card debt that I am trying to pay down but it an uphill battle. So, I cannot splurge on clothes (even though I nearly have none and I wear the same damn shirt and sweater almost every day) If I could lose some weight I would have an entire closet (of old clothes) at my disposal and I wouldn't look like a homeless woman wearing the same thing day in and day out.

... and on that note I am tired of complaining about myself when I am doing literally nothing to change it. Onto another day . . .

Thursday, August 20, 2015

That Time I Went Back to Blogging About Weightloss

By the time you read this I will be well on my journey to what I have only been striving for FOREVER. My blog has seen so many turns and forks and revamps that it feels only natural to have taken a hiatus and return with the plan to lose.this.weight.

I had thought about creating a blog on a different platform. I even went as far as actually creating it, I thought that a new start would put me in a better frame of mind but I quickly realized that it doesn't matter what platform I blog from. It doesn't even matter what I blog. What matters is the effort I put into this weight loss thing. 

I have had quite a few wake up calls about my weight lately. GERD, tummy troubles, anxiety, IBS, and fatigue are just the tip of the iceberg. In addition I cannot climb or descend stairs anymore without intense pain in my left knee. I cannot sit comfortably in ANY armed chairs. The stomach that I swore would never touch my thighs TOUCHES MY THIGHS. In small public restroom stalls I have a hard time spreading my legs wide enough to wipe. My body hurts no matter how I lay down and so I sleep sitting up. My biggest pair of pants are TIGHT. Nothing tastes good anymore and the list goes on and on and on. 

I have been here before. I have sworn up and down how I was going to lose the weight and this time is no different. With every good intentional fiber of my being I am going to deliberately lose this weight. Some odd months ago I would say I needed to lose 200lbs to be at my ultimate weight of 130lbs. I can no longer say that. I now need to lose a whopping 220lbs. In 2010 I went from 325 to 269 and then over those 5 years I steadily gained back not only what I lost but 25lbs more and sometimes even above that if I am having a particularly bad day with water retention. 

I am going to DIE if I don't do something about this. I am literally going to DIE.

And that just isn't acceptable. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday Favorites

Normally today would be a much anticipated day
Normally Fridays are full of weekend fun to come
Normally Sassy would go to school
Normally Breezy would go to school too 
(because technically this is her Friday)
But this week we have been home sick
and so we have essentially had 'end of Friday' days for 4ish days
I'm linkin up with these ladies for some Friday Blog Hoppin
So, when you're done, hop along to their blogs to read some more Friday fun!




Over Medium Eggs on two pieces of white toast covered in Valentina hot sauce... mmmm

{no photo}







2015 father - daughter dinner with great papa

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Whether I Want to or Don't I Will

The title of this post is my new mantra
Specifically while I'm 'jogging'
during my C25K program that I started today

I read a post HERE on Katie's blog Runs for Cookies
And the fact that she admits that she doesn't "stay motivated"
She "stays determined" really resonated with me
It doesn't matter if you have inspiration
It doesn't matter if you are motivated
You either have determination to work toward a goal
or you don't
You either do what it takes or you don't

Even though 1/2 way through I didn't want to anymore
even though I felt like my lungs might explode in my chest
even though my legs felt like they might dislocate from my hip sockets
even though I kept thinking how much it SUCKED
Then I changed my thinking
Instead of ruining my determination with negative self talk
During the running I kept saying
"Whether I want to or don't, I will."

And now I am proud
Proud that I finished the first day
proud that I didn't want to and did it anyway
proud that I am one day closer to getting to my goals

Wednesday, March 11, 2015


Have you ever been in a situation
where you asked someone a point blank question
and you knew that they #LIED TO YOUR FACE
because you knew the answer to your question before you even asked it
and you just wanted to see if they would #LIE TO YOUR FACE


I kinda hate people like that
Recently "a person who will go unnamed"
but who we shall call THING ONE
asked me a rather personal question
I answered truthfully
Then I returned the question
They answered
I believed them

Then something happened that made me doubt THING ONE'S answer
That may or may not have included me specifically investigating its accuracy

So I asked them again
And they answered with the same answer as before
But then something happened that made me doubt THING ONE's answer EVEN MORE
That may or may not have been a full fledged under cover op on my part to find the #truth

This ridiculous circle happened 11 (yes, ELEVEN) more times
And each time THING ONE answered with the same answer
and by the 11th time I KNEW that THING ONE was #LYING TO MY FACE
So I called them out on it and showed them the evidence I had

Dude! #WTF ? I know what you did.

So then THING ONE makes up this outrageous story
Trying to make their actions and their lie logical and justifiable
and THEN goes on to tell me to ask "another person who will remain unnamed"
Who we will call THING TWO
if THING ONE is telling the truth

Well, let me tell you something about THING TWO
I don't trust them as far as I can throw them
They have also #lied to me several dozen times in the time that I have known them
And they have #lied FOR THING ONE who they would supposedly be vouching for

So, a texting war ensues
THING ONE declaring innocence from
The Empire State Building and the Eiffel Tower and The Wall of China
and me, laughing like a crazed loon because THING ONE doesn't know how stupid they sound
making such a fool out of themselves
when I know they ARE #LYING TO MY FACE

It goes on and on and on and on
like the song that doesn't end
it goes on and on my friend
THING ONE started singing it not knowing what it was
and they'll continue singing it forever
just because
(They got caught in a bald faced #lie)
this is the song story that never ends
it goes on and on my friend
except this one is mildly more amusing
due to the sheer increasing desperation of THING ONE

Eventually I #stop responding
Eventually they give up
Until yesterday when I receive a text that requires me to scroll for 30 seconds
To read how THING ONE plans to win my trust back
and prove to me they have been telling the #truth


I just wish I could end the #absurdity too


On another note
Weight loss is slow
(aka I'm not really tryingt)
Children are sick
(aka I am letting them stay home because I don't have the energy to argue)
Bees (aka wasp #dickeads) are out
(aka I am staying inside)
Weather is wet
(aka I'm cranky)

Have I ever mentioned how much I #LOATHE Daylight Savings Time?

The Blonder Side of LifeMaking Melissa

#Hashtaghumpday @ Genuinely Lauren

Saturday, February 21, 2015


I've sat down at this here desk of mine to write a blog post probably twenty times in the last 10 days
And every time I try it just seems to inconsequential
Everything I write
I cannot summon humor
I cannot summon a serious, in depth debate or even conversation
I cannot summon the energy to write anything of any true significance
I've even tried writing a stream of consciousness post just to get the juices flowing

Yet so much has been going on

I've been on the right exercise and diet track for a bit now
I've lost close to 15lbs
I've been using my treadmill
AND I signed up for the #Dailyburn 30 day free trial that I saw advertised on Hulu
I definitely would suggest you try it 
I was not compensated to suggest that
It is just my experience has been really good so far

In other news the girls are doing great
Breezy lost her first tooth
Sassy can read chapter books (IN FIRST GRADE -I don't remember being able to do that)
Both girls are going through some emotional things
Breeze has had a bit more separation anxiety 
Sassy has had some more emotional meltdowns at home
But we are working through them
Slowly but surely

I have been teaching Spanish
The kids love it
I get tons of awesome feedback from the teachers and parents
And I am seriously falling in love with my students
(whose names I have finally FINALLY learned most of . . . ALL 80 of them)

There has also been a lot on my mind
Things I don't feel comfortable discussing here for fear of judgment
For fear that people will call me stupid, a hypocrite, a liar
I know I'm not stupid OR a hypocrite and I am definitely not a liar 
But I know the way it would read to my audience
So, I am extremely hesitant and even hard set against discussing the most prominent situation in my life right now
Which makes me sad
But relieved at the same time
My family knows about it
Is being open minded
Supports me
And understands that I am doing the very best I can with the resources I have at my disposal

Maybe and hopefully someday I will be able to write about it here
I pride myself on being an open book
Proud of who I am and the choices I make
Even if I fail and have to back pedal and restart just to do it all over again
Anyone who looks into the archives of this blog will see that
But in this particular situation I feel a vulnerability that breaches my comfort zone
It puts me in a place where I feel like I'm in a fast moving wind
And to put it out there for EVERYONE to read
And EVERYONE to judge
And EVERYONE to know
The fast moving wind would turn into a category 5 hurricane
With all the damage being done to my own psyche
My own emotions
I'm not ready for that right now

BUT, if you are the praying kind please pray for guidance for me
If you are a wisher of good luck or karma or good ju-ju or something else
I can use all the positive energy you can muster
And with that I will bid you adieu

Thank you

Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Confused Crazy

In lieu of a light hearted Friday Favorites Post
or a cheesy Valentines Day post 
or a rehashing of this past week 
which has included Spirit Week, celebrating the 100 days of school 
AND Valentines Day Parties
at my girls' school

I have decided to touch on tomorrow,
Valentines Day
But not in the way you might guess
'Cuz well, I'm just not feelin' it
And I have other stuff on my mind

Anyone who has read my blog for any significant amount of time 
may or may not know how I feel about the movie being released tomorrow. 
That movie is 
50 Shades of Grey
I have written about it
lightheartedly a few times
but never expounded on my opinions

Today however,
as I was reading through my FB timeline
This doozy of a headline jumped out at me

If You’re a Fan of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Please Seek Counseling

This article was written by Matt Walsh
A guy whose ideals I generally agree with
but often writes things so far gone (such as the above) that I wonder why I follow him
What really bothers me is that he writes excerpts like this:

What I’m trying to say is that you’re watching”Fifty Shades of Grey” to fill some void or find a temporary reprieve from the loneliness and confusion that generally plagues you. I imagine some well adjusted and emotionally fulfilled women read the book, or part of it, a while ago just out of morbid curiosity, but now that everyone knows the story, only people genuinely interested in and attracted to it will be buying tickets to see it.
I wish those people would seek answers elsewhere. I wish they really would talk to a counselor or their pastor.
He is just taking all the social media hearsay and blowing it out of proportion
How do you make these kind of blanket statements 
about content you yourself have not witnessed or experienced
Because if he had, he would see that it wasn't all just about sex
It wasn't all just about the BDSM aspect
It was about a man who had been abused as a child
Unable and unaware of how to control his life 
and finding that control through contracted women
It is how the female protagonist found herself drawn to him
wanted a relationship with him
and even when he said he isn't the kind to have relationships
she finds herself wanting that relationship despite the contract he requires
(but did not force her to sign - she did so willingly)
Everything she did with him
she did willingly
There were times of intensity 
and there were moments when he went too far and she became very angry with him
(as in any relationship - they all have different boundaries)
But they fell in love
and eventually her love healed him and he no longer had need for his depraved fetishes
or the control it allowed him to feel
It was an unhealthy man and an innocent woman in a potentially real life situation
Many of which, as I read, I realized I had been through
It felt cathartic to read it
I cried
I related
I had no interest in the sex or the fetishes
I was invested in the relationship of the deeply unhealthy man
 and the woman who could potentially love him
help him
heal him
Is it realistic?
Probably not but that is why it is called fiction
Is it fantasy?
Probably but how often do we fantasize about fairytale endings

And, I will repeat, the sex was not what made the book
The sheer reality of how people react psychologically and physiologically to childhood abuse
How it can manifest in the choices we make as adults
No matter how depraved those choices are
and how sometimes, 
even if they are extremely rare circumstances, 
someone comes along and saves us

I'm sorry but reading these books and watching this movie 
(that I indeed will go watch)
does not mean I am filling a void in my soul
or that I am psychologically depraved
It means I am human
I have experienced mental abuse
emotional abuse
even physical abuse
I have seen first hand in the adult I have turned into
how that abuse manifested and shaped me into how I react to situations
how I maintain a semblance of 'control' in my life
And I can relate to both the characters in the book

The real discredit being done here
through bloggers and critics and media and generally judgy people  
and, sadly enough, by ignorant people who haven't even read the book
isn't even a discredit to the author or the trilogy
it is to the women who have suffered through abuse and rape
These books and this movie (unless the movie diverges from the books)
are not about


and saying that it is 
is belittling and callous
to those who have actually endured 
true abuse
true rape

How dare Matt Walsh or any other person compare
a fictional character's consensual BDSM relationship
to being violently raped
or beaten
or worse
Shame on you!

So whether 50 Shades is your proverbial 'cup of tea' or not
let's get a few things clear
There is no domestic violence
(unless you consider consensual kinky spanking domestic violence)
There is no rape
(at all)
The story is not all about sex
(and the sex scenes are written really poorly anyway)
The story is about childhood abuse (Christian's)
manifesting in control issues
The story is about love and redemption
If you haven't read the books, 
know these things before you make blanket statements condemning it as blatant porn
and encouragement of rape and domestic violence
If you have read the books and want to argue with any of the above
You obviously have never experienced a truly abusive relationship
and for that you should be forever thankful 
and continue on with your happy vanilla lives

Peace Out

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Brave Confessions


//I am am feeling pretty introspective lately, trying to decipher what I do and why I do it and if I would do anything differently if I weren't so damned concerned about whatever everyone else and their mother thinks about it. 

//I am feeling like a failure. I can't live up to my own expectations and I am constantly proving myself incapable of doing the tasks I set before me. I have yet to decide if I am self sabotaging or if I purposely set goals for myself that I know I cannot attain because I somehow find some sado-masochistic satisfaction in my own failures.

// For the last year I have been working really hard on not coveting what others have and it has worked out really well. Before every skinny, pretty girl with a guy on her arm or in pictures on my FB was a focus of envy and jealousy. I've thankfully worked past that. Now though, without the envy and 'want' I feel this empty chasm of nothing-ness and I have yet to be able to find something to fill it. I have been trying to fill it with all the positive things but so far I just feel numb now where I used to see bright green jealousy. Ideas, suggestions and deep psychoanalysis welcome.


// Every time I receive a text from my ex husband asking to talk to my girls I 1) want to first stab my eyes out and 2) feel mildly vindicated when the girls shake their heads in response to me asking if they want to talk to him and ask if they can talk to him another day because they're busy playing

// I am torn if I should cut my hair or not. Everyone keeps saying 'it needs it'. I'm not sold. 
Weigh in. To cut or not to cut. 

// I have a minuscule subjunctive hemorrhage in my eye. I confess I kinda enjoyed grossing the kids out in Spanish class. First they were very concerned and then they couldn't quite contain their displeasure at the state of my eye. They are first graders and kindergartners after all. If I can do
nothing else, I will teach them terrible fun words in Spanish and gross them out with my broken eye vessels.

// I have once again gotten into playing the game Sims3 and it is addicting and terribly time consuming. As in, I no longer have time to read all the blogs or think of things to write about or read the book I'm reading  {The Bane Chronicles} or get up to go to the bathroom . . . I literally hold it until I have to waddle the 20 feet to the toilet . . . and, yeah, so thanks a lot {you know who you are}

// I get to go visit my friends week old baby tomorrow and hold him and smell that amazing baby smell and feel the sweet baby squish and then give.him.back! So excited!

// I am not particularly fond of the times that Sassy turns into a weirdo from cuh-razy-ville and throws herself all over me and then ends up hurting herself because my knee gets in the way of her body slamming me while I'm sitting at my computer or she jams her hands up the back of my shirt and my nail grazes her arm leaving one of those little white scratch lines and she FUH-REAKS OUT.  It is times like these I would like to have a white padded cell in my house. Either for her to go ape-sh*t or me to go hide. 

// Brain hurts. Done.

Making Melissa
#Hashtaghumpday @ Life with Lolo

Most Horrible 'As Seen on TV Products'

After having been subjected to THIS article I got to thinking about all the really dumb things I have seen being sold with the 'As Seen on TV' logo. Poofume (reference article linked above) is just one and the author there more than eloquently absolves the claim that any kind of topical treatment could or should mask the smell of our defecation(s?).

That being said, these other 'As Seen on TV Products' don't exactly scream GENIUS either. In fact, some of them are so asinine and ridiculous you almost want to get one for the mere novelty of it. Then you can say, "I saw this really stupid product and it was just so stupid I had to buy it." Okay, it sounded better in my head and if anyone said this out loud they should not be offended when people slowly step away in the opposite direction and then turn and run from all the crazy.


Because everyone woman wants to lodge a questionable looking item between her boobs while she sleeps.


360 degrees! Really?! Wow! Except um, won't the back of the chair impede that full rotation and if so, then won't I need a stool and not a chair and in that case why don't I buy a stool instead of the Tush Turner. The questions are multiplying the more I ask . . .


Because I love to whip out on a whim the product that is going to make me sweat and smell in all the placed. Not to mention would anyone ever clean such a thing because OMG how disgusting if not! Repeat after me, Formunda Cheese is NOT for Me!


Just in case you have the habit of taking long jaunts where no gas station or restaurant can be found for hundreds of miles. Just whip out your erotic looking gas can, stick your pr*ck in the hole of the snake like hose and release to your heart's content. If I were I guy I know I would . . . 

**And by the way 'the female adapter' is now available too! IT'S TRUE!


And just in case your handy dandy Go Pilot Portable Urinal won't do the trick because it is 'too conspicuous' when standing on the putting green or the driving range or just chillin' next your golf cart, pull out your handy dandy UROCLUB, tuck that 'sheathing towel' into your pants, unzip, place and release . . . Because THAT wouldn't be conspicuous AT ALL.

And I think my favorite (or least favorite) thing is


Because some people have tyrannosaurus rex length arms or maybe you wipe from the front and your butt is halfway up your back. Either way, I am certain that someone out there needs a 15.25" (that's right, it's over a foot long) toilet brush to wipe themselves.  

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