Sunday, January 18, 2015

If We Were On a Coffee Date . . .

I read this prompt written by Amber over at Mr. Thomas and Me in one of her posts and even though it doesn't seem to be a current 'thing', I felt compelled to write one also. Even at this 12:47 a.m. hour. And for some inexplicable reason I feel the need to write it to the father of my girls.

Dear A,

if we were on a coffee date right now I would quietly order my mocha and you would probably interject and order yours too before I could pay. And then you would probably pay because you were always the gentleman that way. We might sit down. I would probably be hesitant because I would most likely be enduring a hurricane of emotions. I would be silent, not knowing what to say or how to start. You would be silent too and even though I would not stop trying to think of things to say, the silence would be comfortable. The silence, while charged, was always comfortable between us.

if we were on a coffee date right now I would probably start by telling you about our daughters. That Sassy is in first grade and she can read at a level that I cannot even believe. That she is smart and hilarious with the best sense of humor of any 6 year old I have ever met. She's wild and crazy and I can't get her to sit still long enough for any of the calories she eats to count. If the right moment came I would probably tell you that she loves you and misses you but that she is angry with you. Her silence and disconnect when she talks to you on the phone screams louder than any wailing or whining she could ever do. She doesn't understand why you choose to be away from her. I know here you would try to interject that I am keeping her from you but we both know that isn't true and SHE knows that isn't true. But she doesn't like to talk about it. Sometimes I push. I want her to know it's ok to talk about things that bother her or that are painful. She prefers to shrug her shoulders and pretend everything is ok in silence. I think she does that out of self preservation.

if we were on a coffee date right now I would tell you about Breezy who is in kindergarten and who can read books and do math without her fingers. I would tell you about this little girl who is confident and spirited and who sees everything in black and white. Things are just exactly how they are without any frivolous detail. I would tell you about a little girl who has a sharp tongue but the sweetest spirit and a little girl who is more angry with you than her big sister because she still remembers the last time she saw you. She brings up the things she saw and the things she heard pretty often and I have to explain to her that people do and say things they don't mean and often they feel bad and sorry for those things. You have never expressed regret for what the girls endured but I hope with everything in me that you do and that you are as sorry as I am. I would explain to you that if you ever wonder why she refuses to talk to you on the phone or why she yells incoherent craziness at you instead of having a conversation when she does take the phone, this is why. She is angry. Angrier than I think you can fathom.

if we were on a coffee date right now I would try to lighten the mood by telling you about how both girls got Student of the month. One for honesty and the other for honor. I would tell you how Sassy thrives in school and the social setting but that Breezy hates it but only because she works better alone than in groups. I would tell you how Sassy loves everything physical from dance to sports to the monkey bars while Breezy prefers books, dolls, and games. I would tell you how Breezy is no longer allergic to pineapple but I still don't give her very much at any one time just in case her allergy is on a quantity basis. I would tell you that both girls are allergic to sun screen and latex and that they should never ever be allowed to have face paint put on them at fairs or theme parks. I would tell you about our trips to Disneyland, and the zoo, and Dizzy Castle, and how much the girls love to travel. I would tell you all about how good they are on 12 hour drives and that they rarely complain or fight about anything on a day to day basis.

if we were on a coffee date right now I might completely change the subject to tell you that I don't regret 'us'. I would thank you for all the lessons I learned because of 'us'. I would thank you for the invaluable knowledge you imparted to me so that I could be bilingual. If you had spoken English I would have never been forced to speak as fluently as I do and I am blessed because of it. I would thank you for the two greatest treasures given to me through God; my girls. I would apologize for anything I ever did wrong that might have hurt you and even though I know you would not ask for forgiveness, in my heart I would quietly forgive you too. If I let us dwell on the subject of us too long I know that it would come around to blame and rehashing the past and beating the dead horse about why this or that happened and what we could have done or what could still be done to fix it. And I would answer the same as I have for a few years now. Nothing could change it . . . nothing can change it. This is the way it is now.

if we were on a coffee date right now I would tell you I should go and we would probably sit awkwardly for a while. I would probably want to hug you goodbye. You were the biggest part of my life for eleven years, but I would think better of it. I might place my hand over yours and momentarily indulge in the memory of holding your hand and your soft scarred fingers. Indulge in the memory of visiting you in the hospital when you had your accident and I was just 16. I would indulge in the memory of Raquel telling you she had a surprise for you and you saying my name. I was the surprise that you wanted and you kept whispering my name. You cried when you saw me. I would probably tear up at the memory of this because it was in those moments that I loved you first, and probably the moments I loved you best.

if we were on a coffee date right now I would say goodbye with the excuse that I needed to get home to the girls but inwardly admitting that my threshold for platonic coffee was drawing near. You always had that affect on me. I was always drawn to you, like a moth to its fatal flame . . . and you would look at me with those big brown eyes with your eyebrows pinched together because there always seemed to be so much left unsaid. Then you would get up too and we would walk our separate ways. I would sit in my car for a while. I might listen to the radio and I would probably cry.

I still mourn the loss of you. I still mourn the loss of our marriage. I still mourn what never was and what never will be. I think I always will . . .

But time has mostly healed my heart. Like any deep wound that is prodded after it has healed there are still times that it aches. There are still reminders that bring tears to my eyes or grip my stomach with nostalgia. I think time has healed your heart too. From what I hear you seem happy, busy, moving on with life and that makes me happy.

{I have also linked up with Amanda over at Knock on Wood for her Share the Love Link-up and Kathy over at Him & Me (But Mostly Me) for her conversations link-up}

Knock on Wood

1 comment :

  1. Oh my goodness this is beautiful. Just beautiful and your ability to be kind and gentle in sharing what's being missed is, goodness, leaving me without words. :)


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