Friday, January 16, 2015

Please Cover Your coughJudgement

Today I just wanted to spend another day in bed.
Today would be the 8th day that I just want to spend in bed.
But today was the first day I actually got out of bed and thought
hmmm, my breath kinda stinks and hmmm, I don't smell too great in general
and then my eye nearly exploded and I had a moment of mass hysteria
When I realized I needed to get the tabs on my car renewed
So, like the tech savvy girly that I am
I hopped online and went to renewing those tabs
But there was a bit of a snag
You see, I have lived in Washington state for more than 10 years
and I STILL forget that every other year you have to have your car's emissions tested



(Seriously, it's such a rip . . .)
All cars, regardless of how new they are, must have their emissions tested
every.other.frickin'.year
OVERKILL??
But it's how the state makes a penny, right??
((Grumble grumble))
Anyway, can you guess which year this is?
YEP
You guessed it!
It was my car's year to be tested
Now, back to that wanting to spend another day in bed
and back to smelling like jaba - not to be confused with java
(cuz that might be a good thing)



So, I waited for my gramma to come over like she predictably does
every.single.day
and I told her what I needed to do 
I brushed my teeth
changed my underwears
put on some clothes
sprayed some perfume
brushed my mop
and she watched my sickos kiddos for me while I trekked across this god forsaken city into the other
Why can't there be an emissions test place HERE
Why do I have to drive 20 miles in one direction or another?
Wouldn't it be prudent to put a facility
HERE
RIGHT HERE
NOT THERE
HERE!
(tantrum over)
So I drove the 20+ miles to the facility
Where a heavyset guy with red pubes on his chin and black and blue painted fingernails
tested my car
my car is of the year 2008
do you think it passed?
Why yes it did . . . 



no need to expect more drama than necessary PEOPLE!
So, then I drive the convenient 1/2 mile to the auto licensing place
Where there is a line of about 10 zillion people or maybe just 10 people 
waiting to get their tabs renewed also
Now, that's fine
Just dandy
I'll wait
EXCEPT
people keep coming in and lining up behind me
and being the ditz that I am
I forgot the emissions test slip that says I passed IN MY FRICKIN' CAR
So, I book it out to my car
Come back winded
REMEMBER, I'M SICK
AND FAT
LET'S NOT FORGET THAT LAST POINT
SO SICK AND FAT= out of breath to the max
The girls behind me nicely allow me to cut back in front of them
and I stand there
and I shift my weight
and I listen to the teen guy say stupid stuff to show off for the girls behind me
and then the tickle begins



The line hasn't move a flippin' butt hair's length and the tickle begins
The tickle that I know from 8 days experience
will lead me into a hacking, choking, pee my pants from the effort
coughing fit
And so it begins
I hold it in
I feel like my lung might implode



I cough, trying to be discreet and imagine everyone yanking out their white mouth/nose masks
I cough again and again and soon
yep
there it is
I'm choking
and hacking
and I think I peed my pants a little


whoops
thank you, my two angels at home, for giving mommy such great urinary incontinence


I realize that this might be one of those times
where I cough so hard
I might puke
So I take myself out of line
having wasted the last 10 precious minutes of my life
that I will never get back
stumble to my car and hack and heave and choke
and then I feel better



I contemplate just going home to order the tabs online
but then I have this horrible daydream about the cops pulling me over
and all I might have is the receipt for the tabs 
and the cop will shake his head and hand me a zillion dollar fine
or a warning
but still
and it's just too much
so I high tail it over the our local auto licensing place
because YES
WE HAVE A LICENSING PLACE
JUST NO EMISSIONS TESTING PLACE
GO FRICKIN FIGURE
And there is no wait
except for the old lady who is talking about painting rocks
except she can't anymore cuz her 'damn nerves are shot'
and the other old dude who wants to renew his 'rig'
and the lady says his 'tonage' has expired and he tells her he's 'gonna slap' her
and I nearly fall off the wooden bench I am waiting on
even though she laughs good naturedly
What man jokes about slapping a woman who is just doing her job?



UGH MEN!
So, I renewed my tabs after I sat for maybe 5 minutes listening to the abuser and the old rock painter
and then I headed home
and I still smell like jaba 
so I might need to take a shower
especially since I really did really pee a little when I was having my coughing fit
and especially since . . . well, isn't that last one enough?
And now  . . . 
you know all about my day of coughing, peeing, renewing my tabs 
and smelling like ammonia
WHILE JUST WANTING TO BE IN BED . . .
FUN TIMES YO!
FORWARD
(to the showerzz)



1 comment :

  1. Ah yes... the joy of trying to cross your legs while standing and hacking... FEEL BETTER, LADY!

    ReplyDelete

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