Saturday, February 21, 2015


I've sat down at this here desk of mine to write a blog post probably twenty times in the last 10 days
And every time I try it just seems to inconsequential
Everything I write
I cannot summon humor
I cannot summon a serious, in depth debate or even conversation
I cannot summon the energy to write anything of any true significance
I've even tried writing a stream of consciousness post just to get the juices flowing

Yet so much has been going on

I've been on the right exercise and diet track for a bit now
I've lost close to 15lbs
I've been using my treadmill
AND I signed up for the #Dailyburn 30 day free trial that I saw advertised on Hulu
I definitely would suggest you try it 
I was not compensated to suggest that
It is just my experience has been really good so far

In other news the girls are doing great
Breezy lost her first tooth
Sassy can read chapter books (IN FIRST GRADE -I don't remember being able to do that)
Both girls are going through some emotional things
Breeze has had a bit more separation anxiety 
Sassy has had some more emotional meltdowns at home
But we are working through them
Slowly but surely

I have been teaching Spanish
The kids love it
I get tons of awesome feedback from the teachers and parents
And I am seriously falling in love with my students
(whose names I have finally FINALLY learned most of . . . ALL 80 of them)

There has also been a lot on my mind
Things I don't feel comfortable discussing here for fear of judgment
For fear that people will call me stupid, a hypocrite, a liar
I know I'm not stupid OR a hypocrite and I am definitely not a liar 
But I know the way it would read to my audience
So, I am extremely hesitant and even hard set against discussing the most prominent situation in my life right now
Which makes me sad
But relieved at the same time
My family knows about it
Is being open minded
Supports me
And understands that I am doing the very best I can with the resources I have at my disposal

Maybe and hopefully someday I will be able to write about it here
I pride myself on being an open book
Proud of who I am and the choices I make
Even if I fail and have to back pedal and restart just to do it all over again
Anyone who looks into the archives of this blog will see that
But in this particular situation I feel a vulnerability that breaches my comfort zone
It puts me in a place where I feel like I'm in a fast moving wind
And to put it out there for EVERYONE to read
And EVERYONE to judge
And EVERYONE to know
The fast moving wind would turn into a category 5 hurricane
With all the damage being done to my own psyche
My own emotions
I'm not ready for that right now

BUT, if you are the praying kind please pray for guidance for me
If you are a wisher of good luck or karma or good ju-ju or something else
I can use all the positive energy you can muster
And with that I will bid you adieu

Thank you

Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Confused Crazy

In lieu of a light hearted Friday Favorites Post
or a cheesy Valentines Day post 
or a rehashing of this past week 
which has included Spirit Week, celebrating the 100 days of school 
AND Valentines Day Parties
at my girls' school

I have decided to touch on tomorrow,
Valentines Day
But not in the way you might guess
'Cuz well, I'm just not feelin' it
And I have other stuff on my mind

Anyone who has read my blog for any significant amount of time 
may or may not know how I feel about the movie being released tomorrow. 
That movie is 
50 Shades of Grey
I have written about it
lightheartedly a few times
but never expounded on my opinions

Today however,
as I was reading through my FB timeline
This doozy of a headline jumped out at me

If You’re a Fan of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Please Seek Counseling

This article was written by Matt Walsh
A guy whose ideals I generally agree with
but often writes things so far gone (such as the above) that I wonder why I follow him
What really bothers me is that he writes excerpts like this:

What I’m trying to say is that you’re watching”Fifty Shades of Grey” to fill some void or find a temporary reprieve from the loneliness and confusion that generally plagues you. I imagine some well adjusted and emotionally fulfilled women read the book, or part of it, a while ago just out of morbid curiosity, but now that everyone knows the story, only people genuinely interested in and attracted to it will be buying tickets to see it.
I wish those people would seek answers elsewhere. I wish they really would talk to a counselor or their pastor.
He is just taking all the social media hearsay and blowing it out of proportion
How do you make these kind of blanket statements 
about content you yourself have not witnessed or experienced
Because if he had, he would see that it wasn't all just about sex
It wasn't all just about the BDSM aspect
It was about a man who had been abused as a child
Unable and unaware of how to control his life 
and finding that control through contracted women
It is how the female protagonist found herself drawn to him
wanted a relationship with him
and even when he said he isn't the kind to have relationships
she finds herself wanting that relationship despite the contract he requires
(but did not force her to sign - she did so willingly)
Everything she did with him
she did willingly
There were times of intensity 
and there were moments when he went too far and she became very angry with him
(as in any relationship - they all have different boundaries)
But they fell in love
and eventually her love healed him and he no longer had need for his depraved fetishes
or the control it allowed him to feel
It was an unhealthy man and an innocent woman in a potentially real life situation
Many of which, as I read, I realized I had been through
It felt cathartic to read it
I cried
I related
I had no interest in the sex or the fetishes
I was invested in the relationship of the deeply unhealthy man
 and the woman who could potentially love him
help him
heal him
Is it realistic?
Probably not but that is why it is called fiction
Is it fantasy?
Probably but how often do we fantasize about fairytale endings

And, I will repeat, the sex was not what made the book
The sheer reality of how people react psychologically and physiologically to childhood abuse
How it can manifest in the choices we make as adults
No matter how depraved those choices are
and how sometimes, 
even if they are extremely rare circumstances, 
someone comes along and saves us

I'm sorry but reading these books and watching this movie 
(that I indeed will go watch)
does not mean I am filling a void in my soul
or that I am psychologically depraved
It means I am human
I have experienced mental abuse
emotional abuse
even physical abuse
I have seen first hand in the adult I have turned into
how that abuse manifested and shaped me into how I react to situations
how I maintain a semblance of 'control' in my life
And I can relate to both the characters in the book

The real discredit being done here
through bloggers and critics and media and generally judgy people  
and, sadly enough, by ignorant people who haven't even read the book
isn't even a discredit to the author or the trilogy
it is to the women who have suffered through abuse and rape
These books and this movie (unless the movie diverges from the books)
are not about


and saying that it is 
is belittling and callous
to those who have actually endured 
true abuse
true rape

How dare Matt Walsh or any other person compare
a fictional character's consensual BDSM relationship
to being violently raped
or beaten
or worse
Shame on you!

So whether 50 Shades is your proverbial 'cup of tea' or not
let's get a few things clear
There is no domestic violence
(unless you consider consensual kinky spanking domestic violence)
There is no rape
(at all)
The story is not all about sex
(and the sex scenes are written really poorly anyway)
The story is about childhood abuse (Christian's)
manifesting in control issues
The story is about love and redemption
If you haven't read the books, 
know these things before you make blanket statements condemning it as blatant porn
and encouragement of rape and domestic violence
If you have read the books and want to argue with any of the above
You obviously have never experienced a truly abusive relationship
and for that you should be forever thankful 
and continue on with your happy vanilla lives

Peace Out

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Brave Confessions


//I am am feeling pretty introspective lately, trying to decipher what I do and why I do it and if I would do anything differently if I weren't so damned concerned about whatever everyone else and their mother thinks about it. 

//I am feeling like a failure. I can't live up to my own expectations and I am constantly proving myself incapable of doing the tasks I set before me. I have yet to decide if I am self sabotaging or if I purposely set goals for myself that I know I cannot attain because I somehow find some sado-masochistic satisfaction in my own failures.

// For the last year I have been working really hard on not coveting what others have and it has worked out really well. Before every skinny, pretty girl with a guy on her arm or in pictures on my FB was a focus of envy and jealousy. I've thankfully worked past that. Now though, without the envy and 'want' I feel this empty chasm of nothing-ness and I have yet to be able to find something to fill it. I have been trying to fill it with all the positive things but so far I just feel numb now where I used to see bright green jealousy. Ideas, suggestions and deep psychoanalysis welcome.


// Every time I receive a text from my ex husband asking to talk to my girls I 1) want to first stab my eyes out and 2) feel mildly vindicated when the girls shake their heads in response to me asking if they want to talk to him and ask if they can talk to him another day because they're busy playing

// I am torn if I should cut my hair or not. Everyone keeps saying 'it needs it'. I'm not sold. 
Weigh in. To cut or not to cut. 

// I have a minuscule subjunctive hemorrhage in my eye. I confess I kinda enjoyed grossing the kids out in Spanish class. First they were very concerned and then they couldn't quite contain their displeasure at the state of my eye. They are first graders and kindergartners after all. If I can do
nothing else, I will teach them terrible fun words in Spanish and gross them out with my broken eye vessels.

// I have once again gotten into playing the game Sims3 and it is addicting and terribly time consuming. As in, I no longer have time to read all the blogs or think of things to write about or read the book I'm reading  {The Bane Chronicles} or get up to go to the bathroom . . . I literally hold it until I have to waddle the 20 feet to the toilet . . . and, yeah, so thanks a lot {you know who you are}

// I get to go visit my friends week old baby tomorrow and hold him and smell that amazing baby smell and feel the sweet baby squish and then give.him.back! So excited!

// I am not particularly fond of the times that Sassy turns into a weirdo from cuh-razy-ville and throws herself all over me and then ends up hurting herself because my knee gets in the way of her body slamming me while I'm sitting at my computer or she jams her hands up the back of my shirt and my nail grazes her arm leaving one of those little white scratch lines and she FUH-REAKS OUT.  It is times like these I would like to have a white padded cell in my house. Either for her to go ape-sh*t or me to go hide. 

// Brain hurts. Done.

Making Melissa
#Hashtaghumpday @ Life with Lolo

Most Horrible 'As Seen on TV Products'

After having been subjected to THIS article I got to thinking about all the really dumb things I have seen being sold with the 'As Seen on TV' logo. Poofume (reference article linked above) is just one and the author there more than eloquently absolves the claim that any kind of topical treatment could or should mask the smell of our defecation(s?).

That being said, these other 'As Seen on TV Products' don't exactly scream GENIUS either. In fact, some of them are so asinine and ridiculous you almost want to get one for the mere novelty of it. Then you can say, "I saw this really stupid product and it was just so stupid I had to buy it." Okay, it sounded better in my head and if anyone said this out loud they should not be offended when people slowly step away in the opposite direction and then turn and run from all the crazy.


Because everyone woman wants to lodge a questionable looking item between her boobs while she sleeps.


360 degrees! Really?! Wow! Except um, won't the back of the chair impede that full rotation and if so, then won't I need a stool and not a chair and in that case why don't I buy a stool instead of the Tush Turner. The questions are multiplying the more I ask . . .


Because I love to whip out on a whim the product that is going to make me sweat and smell in all the placed. Not to mention would anyone ever clean such a thing because OMG how disgusting if not! Repeat after me, Formunda Cheese is NOT for Me!


Just in case you have the habit of taking long jaunts where no gas station or restaurant can be found for hundreds of miles. Just whip out your erotic looking gas can, stick your pr*ck in the hole of the snake like hose and release to your heart's content. If I were I guy I know I would . . . 

**And by the way 'the female adapter' is now available too! IT'S TRUE!


And just in case your handy dandy Go Pilot Portable Urinal won't do the trick because it is 'too conspicuous' when standing on the putting green or the driving range or just chillin' next your golf cart, pull out your handy dandy UROCLUB, tuck that 'sheathing towel' into your pants, unzip, place and release . . . Because THAT wouldn't be conspicuous AT ALL.

And I think my favorite (or least favorite) thing is


Because some people have tyrannosaurus rex length arms or maybe you wipe from the front and your butt is halfway up your back. Either way, I am certain that someone out there needs a 15.25" (that's right, it's over a foot long) toilet brush to wipe themselves.  

Friday, February 6, 2015

Because Being Stress Free isn't in the Schedule

The girls were in school by 8:00 this morning and I decided it was time to take the plunge and drive myself he three minutes from their school to the doctor because OUCH! I had (what I thought was) this massive cyst just outside my armpit.

Would you like to stop reading now? Cuz this shizz is gonna get real.

Anywhoozle, I took my bad self into the doctor's office expecting to get a hassle because as of February the clinic had dropped a bunch of patients on my insurance. Thankfully I hadn't been dropped but I didn't expect them to be privy and YET they were and I was supremely impressed by the hassle I.did.not.get.

Then I sat and waited for 35ish minutes playing Trivia Crack (and losing terribly) I tried to play Hayday but it wouldn't load and so back to Trivia Crack I did click!

Then they called me in and I was like whaaa? I expected to be waiting a ton longer and they were like, 'nah we know you're an important person so get on in here.' (This actually didn't even happen. The nurse who called my name was actually kinda drab and boring so I thought I'd spice it up a bit)

She pointed me toward the box of doom . . . aka the scale . . . and every imaginable profanity wanted to emerge from my lips when it read that I weighed 3lbs more than I had that morning when I woke up. Can you believe the nerve of the damn thing?! How dare it tell me how much I weigh?

So after a mini-internal-meltdown the likes of a a Mt. Vesuvius eruption, I waddled walked into the exam room and sat down. Oxygen good. Temperature good. Blood pressure a little high but I'm in friggin' pain in the pit of my arm so no shizz Sherlock!

She asks me what the problem is and I go on to tell her all about the volcanic activity just outside my armpit (not to be confused with the volcanic rage I had felt earlier) and she nodded and asked where it was and I widened my eyes because I had just told her it was in my armpit and pulled down the neck of my shirt so she could see the bandaid and she raised her eyebrows and was like, 'Oooooh' . . .

Then the doctor came in and while I feel like they may want to amputate or at least drain the thing he just flippantly says, 'You have cellulitis that seems to be turning into an abcess. It looks a little infected. I'll prescribe you antibiotics." WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM, NOW GET OUT!
That is what it felt like anyway and I felt kinda like a mistress scorned.

So out I went with my little prescription paper and my instructions on how to care for my wanna be abscessed cellulitis and sat down in my car feeling sorry for myself and my pit pain. I pulled out the care instructions and at the bottom it says, "To reduce occurrence take bleach baths 2-3x a week."

Um, he.l.l.o NO!

First off! NO! Second off, bleach on my skin? UM NO! And third, the smell of bleach gives me blinding, debilitating migraines so again NO!

Then I get home and it is all very anticlimatic telling my family that the cysts I've been growing in my armpits are actually an infection of my cells. No one understands that. I don't even understand that. AND I HATE NOT UNDERSTANDING SHIZZ.

So of course I google the death outta cellulitis and then decide not to anymore because OMG BARF!

Then I get an e-mail that the tuition assistance I have applied for is null and void because the girls' school is using a different third party this year! FanFRAKKINGtastic! So I had to jump through flaming hoops of BS and several hundred redial presses to get through to the company and get my refund and then go through the whole application process AGAIN but with the new company. I was particularly appalled that they specifically asked if I was Apostolic. As if that made a difference in the amount of aid I might get. What?! Are Apostolics a new minority or special group who gets more aid than the other masses?

So, here I sit $30 poorer (for the time being) with infected cells waiting for dinner because I am FAMISHED and I could totally eat ALL THE FOODS but I realized that I have been walking like a good girl for 5 days straight on my treadmill and I will not allow that dang scale at the doctor's to turn me against my goals.

I have finished venting now. Time to go get Subway because even though I won't eat all the foods, a girl still has to eat.


Friday Favorites 
(and a smattering of random thoughts)

This week's

Favorite Song

This song perfectly describes how I felt from the beginning to the end of this week
"There'll be days I lose the battle. Grace says it doesn't matter. 'Cause the cross already won the war."
I have to remember this
Especially when people try to break me down
and make me question myself
and my life
No one else matters
"Greater is the one living inside of me, than he who is living in the world."
Favorite Recipe
Tostadas de Ceviche

This has always been one of my favorite recipes and meals
But lately being on a calorie reduced health kick this is a go to meal for me.
You can make them THIS WAY 
or THIS WAY + cucumbers and clamato not plain clam juice (eeww!!)
The first uses your choice of fish and the second uses shrimp

Favorite Workout

Hatha Yoga

My butt hurts just looking at the cover of this DVD that I own
because even though the Hatha Yoga inside is very 'easy'
and seemingly very insignificant
When you're done
you're sweating like a pig
Your body hurts in the very best way possible
and you feel like you simultaneously did a hard aerobic workout
and nothing much at all
at the same time

Favorite Purchase

Well, duh, my treadmill!
I have walked on it every night (and day) since they delivered it
It works so well and is so quiet
I don't have to worry about waking the girls up at night
(Except that when you raise or lower the speed it makes this awful high pitched beeping noise . . . I wish they hadn't put in that feature. It is not reasonable)

Favorite Memes and .Gifs

I'm going through an Ellen phase

She makes me laugh so hard I cry - and pee . . .


Favorite Moment

because she was mimicking this

Thus concludes Friday Favorites
Until next time peoples!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Thankful or Something

Once upon a time on a dreary Thursday a woman sat down to her computer to write a post about what she was thankful for and all she could think of were inappropriate things. So she sat and ruminated about true thankfulness while her oldest child bounced around her calling for her attention, asking to use the computer, asking to do tricks on the treadmill bars, asking if she could read her a story and generally making a nuisance of her six year old self.

The woman began typing, whatever words popped into her head and became frustrated when her thought was interrupted. She would erase it all and try again. All the while her six year old bounced around her with energy she could only dream about. Abruptly, the woman's stomach began to hurt and she made her way to the bathroom where the book she had been reading lay, full of magic and handsome warriors and fantasy worlds. She picked it up and began to read, all the while outside the bathroom door her six year old began reading a different story. Out loud. The woman found herself not only antagonized by her stomach pain but by the fact that she had to read the same sentence over and over again because her six year old's monologue was repeatedly causing her to lose her train of thought.

Eventually, the six year old was called away by her aunt and the woman was able to read and rid herself of her stomach troubles. Only to return to her computer with little more to write about than what she had previously. And as she sat and the moments passed and as she thought and thought in the silence, absent of her six year old's banter and antics, she began to miss them. Even though she knew the child was only in the other room she wished the little girl would come back and sing and dance and make noise again.

That is when she realized what she should write.


For my beautiful, crazy, funny, often obnoxious, but ever loving and compassionate, sweet, moody and fun daughters.

For their laughter and their crazy antics and that they are happy and they love to laugh.

For their physical health and ability to dance and run and jump and do acrobats on my new treadmill bars.

For the fact that they are so stinkin' intelligent it blows my mind.

For my family who loves them just as much as me and when I grow tired and weary they draw my girls in close and show them how much they are loved by so many.

For technology that allows me to document their lives. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a camera to capture each chapter.

And most of all for God, who blessed me with the care of these two angels.

I was particularly moved to write about how thankful I am for my girls because right now there are a plethora of people in the blogosphere and in real life struggling through infertility and baby loss as well as children born with or diagnosed later on with unspeakable diseases. While I sat, stewing in my own self-absorbedness (a word I invented) I hadn't stopped to realize that the things that were annoying me so desperately were the very things I should cherish more and appreciate more and truly be thankful for. 

Aaannnd for those wondering what the inappropriate things that crossed my mind in all my indecision were.

I am thankful for . . .

Gas . . . the human kind . . . could you imagine if our bodies weren't capable of releasing all the gasses? What would happen to us? What would we smell like?

Two ply toilet paper because I've had to use 1 ply before and no

Inappropriate .gifs that I waste hours and hours looking at

Netflix and ALL THE SHOWS because I don't waste enough time blogging, reading blogs, reading books on the toilet, or picking my nose . . . I actually don't pick my nose . . . well, ok maybe sometimes I do

Trivia crack because Netflix and Blogging and Reading and picking my nose are just not enough 

Authors who write about perfect men made of half angel and half demon who are dangerous and chivalrous and horrible in the very very sexiest way (Yes, that would be in reference to Cassandra Clare - I admit it, I am thankful for that woman and her books)

Funny 'News' like Gwyneth Paltrow's V-Steamer . . .  yeah, google that shizz 'cuz it is FUNNY

Lysol for ALL THE THINGS because I have kids and . . . well isn't that self explanatory?

Bathroom fans that send ALL THE ICKY SMELLS to icky smell heaven (after you spray the Lysol of course)

Mean people getting their comeuppance . . . you know you'd smile too if the girl or guy who always makes you feel like scum suddenly trips and falls on their face . . . into a pole . . .  covered in dog poop

I am a horrible person for laughing at this . . .

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Confessions - Just Call Me Grumpy Pants

// Have you ever heard the expression parents of yester-era used when scolding their children for misbehaving, "I'm going to string you up by your toes/ears/fingernails!"

Yeah, well, with all the meltdowns Sassy has been having I would like to just string myself up by the toes/ears/fingernails  . . . in a nice, quiet, solitary, dark place. Just 20 minutes of peace hanging by a string from a body part where someone isn't crying, whining, yelling or complaining. That would be more peaceful than this current space of ridiculous chaotic nonsense I am living in.

// Do you remember the post HERE where I detailed my compassionate and nostalgic feelings for Mr. A 
(aka my ex husband)?  


I have been b*tch slapped back into the present and reality

In the post below (if you don't read Spanish) the first text says

"I would like to talk to my beautiful daughters before they sleep."

Essentially this would be normal except I had told him previously that the girls are busy Monday through Thursday and so if he would like to talk to them on Friday or Saturday that would be better. (He sent this text on a Monday) 
So, I wasn't paying attention to my phone. I shouldn't have to be hanging on it waiting for anyone to text me.

Half hour past the girl's bedtime he texts me again.

"Senora, it has been two weeks since you have passed me to my daughters."

Well, actually the last two weeks they have had absolutely no interest in talking to you.
Not to mention he calls me Senora. Now to English speakers Senora simply means Mrs. But to Spanish speakers, especially between people who used to be spouses (especially him and me) Senora is a way for him to derogatorily call me old lady and make sure that I know he has disconnected emotionally. Fine. Disconnect. But do NOT call me that.

You can obviously read my response and he very maturely responds to me with:

"I don't feel like calling you by your name Senora."

He's trying to get under my skin. 11 years with him and I know this, so I'm DONE!
Raise my proverbial texting hands and surrender to complete ridiculous insanity that has always been him. I ask him not to text me again and he responds with this nugget of WISDOM.

"I do it for my daughters. I don't do it for you and I don't want to bother you either.You shouldn't go to church anymore because your heart is full of resentment and trash. I listen to the Word of God every day and I am more humble and I love God more and He has changed me inside. If I have problems now they won't conquer me and I'm going to show you. He is with me and you will see that very soon."

He has been telling me this for years now. How full of hatred and ugliness and evil my heart is. And how I should never step a foot inside of church lest God smite me on the spot for my despicable nature. 

And I don't know if you feel or hear the hidden threat in there, but I do. There is always a threat in everything he says to me. If you truly didn't catch it, to him I am the problem and he is telling me that I can no longer conquer him (Gee, I haven't been trying) and that he will show me (inevitably trying to take my daughters from me) and I will see the fruits of that labor very soon. 

// I confess that this interaction affected me deeply, as if it were the first time it ever happened. And then I went to sleep and I woke up and remembered that he is wrong. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He has purposely not seen his daughters in over one and a half years (because he refuses to follow the parenting plan) and THAT ISN'T ON ME. It's on him. 

// I confess that I am tired of hearing people complain. All.The.Time. 
Just be happy in the skin you're in, in the life you're in, in the situation you're in and if you can't be CHANGE IT and if you can't CHANGE IT seek help to CHANGE IT

// I confess that even though it is only mid-school year 2014/2015 I have already registered, re-enrolled and applied for class requests for my daughters for the 2015/2016 year. Control freak much? Me? Nahhhh . . . 

// I confess that I walked on the treadmill the last two nights (because I have only had it the last two nights) for 45 minutes and an hour respectively and I feel great (albeit, a bit sore)

// I confess I was sad when I stepped on the scale this morning and it was the same as yesterday. I'll get over it. I have to remember either not to weigh every day or not to be disappointed when there are stalls. I can't lose something Noted self. 

// I confess that as I am typing I have to pee so badly that I am in fear of soiling my pants, which would be bad because I have to wear them to Spanish class and I don't think the students or the teachers or anyone whose path I cross would appreciate the stench of urine wafting through the school halls. 

I shall go pee

Happy Humpday People

May your week be short
and may your bladder last until you reach the toilet

Making Melissa

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Step Up {or in my case, just get up} Sunday

I am linking up with Kathy over at Him & Me (But Mostly Me) for her Step Up Sunday Link-Up.

Him And Me

I am avoiding an official 'weigh-in' type post until I feel better about where I am and what I will be posting, especially considering I jumped up so far above where I started before. I am still feeling embarrassed and non-committal to detailing my journey as it was so deeply criticised before (even though I was extremely successful). Hence, why there are no weight loss tickers or progress photos or weight loss links in the tab section. They are ALL there, hidden in the HTML of my blog, but for now hidden from the public. I think in the end (in 2010), the criticisms and my own self doubt was my undoing. Despite my loss of 55lbs there was constant berating of what I was eating, how much of it, how little of it, what I was drinking, what I should be drinking instead and my exercise and how I was doing it ALL wrong. I really started to doubt whether I knew what I was doing and whether I was capable of continuing to the end and ultimately I didn't. So I will keep my specific successes and failures private for the time being.

That being said, in Kathy's link-up she has several questions to ask about the previous week's eats and gains and losses etc. I've always loved me some Q&A.

1. How many pounds did you gain or lose?

This week I lost a total of 7.5lbs. WOOT! I am so excited to be progressing on the downward spiral of numbers on the scale. It is very encouraging to step on that scale and see such a loss. Make me want to do a little happy dance (or a BIG happy dance, as that would burn more calories) 

2.  How many inches did you gain or lose?

I haven't been measuring. I plan to start once I start using my new treadmill (IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TOMORROW) and using my weights. 

3.  Your weekly exercise or step goal, and did you meet it?

I haven't really established any goals YET. My new goals for after I receive my treadmill is to walk EVERY DAY. No rest days. The time I spend watching Hulu or Netflix can be spent walking on that treadmill (while I watch Hulu and Netflix) That is will be my first main goal. Every day. No specific speed or time. Considering my ankles, my bad knees and my previous severe lack of exercise, I just want to see what my body is capable of which means I WILL push myself but I WILL NOT push myself so hard that I make it impossible to complete my first goal. 

4. What was your biggest challenge this week?

I really struggled between 'counting calories' and 'eating primally'. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around having to count macros (grams of protein, carbs and fats) But I knew that eating wheat products made me swell like the New Years Blimp. So, I mulled it over for many days and played a mental tug-of-war between eating lower calories vs eating healthfully 'nutrient wise'. I ultimately came to a compromise of a conclusion. I cannot feasibly eliminate all wheat and sugar from my diet if my ultimate goal is to count calories to lose weight. After-all, counting calories is what worked best for me before. However, I will limit my bread, pasta, sweets intake while keeping my daily calories under 1500.

5. What is your favorite healthy snack or meal?

My favorite healthy snack is Blue Diamond Brand Wasabi and Soy Sauce Almonds. They are a little high in sodium but for that salty crunch that a true chip addict craves they they are the perfect snack. I also love Frigo string cheese. My favorite meal is crockpot pot roast with peeled russet potatoes and carrots. I usually weigh out my portions but it is truly a good, well rounded meal and low(er) in calories for the quality of food.

6. Do you have any advice or tips for the rest of us?

There is no end game. In this journey of weight loss, weight maintenance and health there can be no end game. Live each day and make each choice dependent not on the the day that you will 'be skinny', or see that specific number on the scale but for health and well being for the rest of your life. Sometimes this is cliche and for people who haven't 'gotten the concept' it is very hard to grasp and fully understand.Especially when all they want is to fit in that certain size or that two piece bathing suit or see that forsaken number. Thankfully I was blessed with a potentially life threatening 'incident'. You read that right. I was BLESSED with a potentially life threatening incident that made me really evaluate my reasons for doing things and I realized that even though a thin, beautiful body would be the icing on the cake, the true necessity for my weight loss is health and longevity for my girls and for my quality of life. I hope anyone who is struggling through their journey eventually comes to this conclusion as well. The outward physical aspect is just the icing. Health, feeling good, feeling confident and knowing you will live exponentially longer making good choices should be the overall goal. 

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