Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Confused Crazy

In lieu of a light hearted Friday Favorites Post
or a cheesy Valentines Day post 
or a rehashing of this past week 
which has included Spirit Week, celebrating the 100 days of school 
AND Valentines Day Parties
at my girls' school

I have decided to touch on tomorrow,
Valentines Day
But not in the way you might guess
'Cuz well, I'm just not feelin' it
And I have other stuff on my mind

Anyone who has read my blog for any significant amount of time 
may or may not know how I feel about the movie being released tomorrow. 
That movie is 
50 Shades of Grey
I have written about it
lightheartedly a few times
but never expounded on my opinions

Today however,
as I was reading through my FB timeline
This doozy of a headline jumped out at me

If You’re a Fan of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ Please Seek Counseling

This article was written by Matt Walsh
A guy whose ideals I generally agree with
but often writes things so far gone (such as the above) that I wonder why I follow him
What really bothers me is that he writes excerpts like this:

What I’m trying to say is that you’re watching”Fifty Shades of Grey” to fill some void or find a temporary reprieve from the loneliness and confusion that generally plagues you. I imagine some well adjusted and emotionally fulfilled women read the book, or part of it, a while ago just out of morbid curiosity, but now that everyone knows the story, only people genuinely interested in and attracted to it will be buying tickets to see it.
I wish those people would seek answers elsewhere. I wish they really would talk to a counselor or their pastor.
He is just taking all the social media hearsay and blowing it out of proportion
How do you make these kind of blanket statements 
about content you yourself have not witnessed or experienced
Because if he had, he would see that it wasn't all just about sex
It wasn't all just about the BDSM aspect
It was about a man who had been abused as a child
Unable and unaware of how to control his life 
and finding that control through contracted women
It is how the female protagonist found herself drawn to him
wanted a relationship with him
and even when he said he isn't the kind to have relationships
she finds herself wanting that relationship despite the contract he requires
(but did not force her to sign - she did so willingly)
Everything she did with him
she did willingly
There were times of intensity 
and there were moments when he went too far and she became very angry with him
(as in any relationship - they all have different boundaries)
But they fell in love
and eventually her love healed him and he no longer had need for his depraved fetishes
or the control it allowed him to feel
It was an unhealthy man and an innocent woman in a potentially real life situation
Many of which, as I read, I realized I had been through
It felt cathartic to read it
I cried
I related
I had no interest in the sex or the fetishes
I was invested in the relationship of the deeply unhealthy man
 and the woman who could potentially love him
help him
heal him
Is it realistic?
Probably not but that is why it is called fiction
Is it fantasy?
Probably but how often do we fantasize about fairytale endings

And, I will repeat, the sex was not what made the book
The sheer reality of how people react psychologically and physiologically to childhood abuse
How it can manifest in the choices we make as adults
No matter how depraved those choices are
and how sometimes, 
even if they are extremely rare circumstances, 
someone comes along and saves us

I'm sorry but reading these books and watching this movie 
(that I indeed will go watch)
does not mean I am filling a void in my soul
or that I am psychologically depraved
It means I am human
I have experienced mental abuse
emotional abuse
even physical abuse
I have seen first hand in the adult I have turned into
how that abuse manifested and shaped me into how I react to situations
how I maintain a semblance of 'control' in my life
And I can relate to both the characters in the book

The real discredit being done here
through bloggers and critics and media and generally judgy people  
and, sadly enough, by ignorant people who haven't even read the book
isn't even a discredit to the author or the trilogy
it is to the women who have suffered through abuse and rape
These books and this movie (unless the movie diverges from the books)
are not about


and saying that it is 
is belittling and callous
to those who have actually endured 
true abuse
true rape

How dare Matt Walsh or any other person compare
a fictional character's consensual BDSM relationship
to being violently raped
or beaten
or worse
Shame on you!

So whether 50 Shades is your proverbial 'cup of tea' or not
let's get a few things clear
There is no domestic violence
(unless you consider consensual kinky spanking domestic violence)
There is no rape
(at all)
The story is not all about sex
(and the sex scenes are written really poorly anyway)
The story is about childhood abuse (Christian's)
manifesting in control issues
The story is about love and redemption
If you haven't read the books, 
know these things before you make blanket statements condemning it as blatant porn
and encouragement of rape and domestic violence
If you have read the books and want to argue with any of the above
You obviously have never experienced a truly abusive relationship
and for that you should be forever thankful 
and continue on with your happy vanilla lives

Peace Out


  1. I've never really WANTED to read the books. Not for any reason other than it just wasn't my style of writing. But reading this, I sorta want to now. Can I share this? I think others need and would like to hear this, too.

  2. Yes, of course you can share it and I totally get if it isn't your style of writing. Admittedly, it is pretty bad writing but if I am nothing else, I am a consumer of all books. Reading is knowledge regardless of content . . . and while 35% of the content (ie: sex) was garbage the remaining 65% was a beautiful love story In My Opinion of course . . .


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