Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Brave Confessions


//I am am feeling pretty introspective lately, trying to decipher what I do and why I do it and if I would do anything differently if I weren't so damned concerned about whatever everyone else and their mother thinks about it. 

//I am feeling like a failure. I can't live up to my own expectations and I am constantly proving myself incapable of doing the tasks I set before me. I have yet to decide if I am self sabotaging or if I purposely set goals for myself that I know I cannot attain because I somehow find some sado-masochistic satisfaction in my own failures.

// For the last year I have been working really hard on not coveting what others have and it has worked out really well. Before every skinny, pretty girl with a guy on her arm or in pictures on my FB was a focus of envy and jealousy. I've thankfully worked past that. Now though, without the envy and 'want' I feel this empty chasm of nothing-ness and I have yet to be able to find something to fill it. I have been trying to fill it with all the positive things but so far I just feel numb now where I used to see bright green jealousy. Ideas, suggestions and deep psychoanalysis welcome.


// Every time I receive a text from my ex husband asking to talk to my girls I 1) want to first stab my eyes out and 2) feel mildly vindicated when the girls shake their heads in response to me asking if they want to talk to him and ask if they can talk to him another day because they're busy playing

// I am torn if I should cut my hair or not. Everyone keeps saying 'it needs it'. I'm not sold. 
Weigh in. To cut or not to cut. 

// I have a minuscule subjunctive hemorrhage in my eye. I confess I kinda enjoyed grossing the kids out in Spanish class. First they were very concerned and then they couldn't quite contain their displeasure at the state of my eye. They are first graders and kindergartners after all. If I can do
nothing else, I will teach them terrible fun words in Spanish and gross them out with my broken eye vessels.

// I have once again gotten into playing the game Sims3 and it is addicting and terribly time consuming. As in, I no longer have time to read all the blogs or think of things to write about or read the book I'm reading  {The Bane Chronicles} or get up to go to the bathroom . . . I literally hold it until I have to waddle the 20 feet to the toilet . . . and, yeah, so thanks a lot {you know who you are}

// I get to go visit my friends week old baby tomorrow and hold him and smell that amazing baby smell and feel the sweet baby squish and then give.him.back! So excited!

// I am not particularly fond of the times that Sassy turns into a weirdo from cuh-razy-ville and throws herself all over me and then ends up hurting herself because my knee gets in the way of her body slamming me while I'm sitting at my computer or she jams her hands up the back of my shirt and my nail grazes her arm leaving one of those little white scratch lines and she FUH-REAKS OUT.  It is times like these I would like to have a white padded cell in my house. Either for her to go ape-sh*t or me to go hide. 

// Brain hurts. Done.

Making Melissa
#Hashtaghumpday @ Life with Lolo


  1. I saw you keep the hair... I think long hair gets a bad wrap. & everyone really wants it.

  2. I agree on the hair, leave it. If you concede at all, just get a trim. Sims is the best, most time sucking game in the history of the world. Right now I'm off the juice but give me a month or two and I'll be playing like a junkie for about three weeks, and then I'm off for several months.

  3. My hair is that long and I've considered cutting it, but... I'm not sure what I would do with it short. I've had super short hair (and loved it) but I'm not of the mind to do that now. I don't feel like a bob or a mid-length 'Mom' cut. So, for now, I leave it ass-long. Literally! I do get decent trims. I lobbed 4 inches off last time, but all of that is almost grown back out. I actually cut my own since it is so long. But I wouldn't cut it just because someone else says you should. Only reasons to cut it is to get rid of the dead and make it more manageable or because YOU want to.

    I don't have much comment on the rest other than I think that this time of the year tends to make people a bit more introspective because we are stuck inside more. It's too cold to be out so we think, read, or play games. And many things feel 'empty' right now because we can't seem to get going on anything else. My only advise is to talk to God and stay busy. I find that when I stay busy doing things, I feel less like I need something and instead feel more like I've done things. Especially if those things are for others like friends and family, for yourself, and for the future


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