Saturday, January 31, 2015

My Name is Kristen and I am a Raker

Too much information is probably how this post should be described. 
You've been warned.


In the past I have written about the cysts I get in my armpits HERE and briefly HERE. (See, I warned you it was too much information) They are truly miserable which in a way is also a relief. Everywhere I read says that if it is on the surface of the skin and painful then it is not 'serious'. Cancer is a well known, ugly word in my family so each time one of these 'things' pops up, even though I know what it is, I have mini-freak outs.

Tonight, out of nowhere I raised my arm to reach something and then put it back down only to feel like there was something very tender in my armpit. UGH! Again?! You have got to be kidding me! So, I do the requisite boobie check and lo-and-behold TWO fantastic little... no scratch that... AMPLE bumps. One right next to the one that just healed and left a horrible purple scar and the other on the opposite side of my armpit.


TO THE GOOGLES!

Of course, immediately I google the crap out of armpit lumps for the gagillionth time ... and gagillionth is totally a number ... and once again (for the gagillionth time) I was psychologically sated by the fact that my pit is in so much achy pain that it 'couldn't possibly be cancer' because cancer is essentially painless in its early stages. At least the kind I'm worried about like breast, ovarian, uterine, cervical yada yada...

Then I come upon this little morsel of information.
"...there is a large percentage of women who shave our underarms incorrectly.  There is a name for these women.  They are known as "rakers".  A raker is someone that glides the razor over and around the underarm area in an irratic manner (across the direction of hair growth, against the direction of hair growth, whatever gets the job done) and it causes irritation or folliculitis (inflammation of the hair follicle) and even an ingrown hair (which can become extremely sore and enlarged due to the inflammation)."

Who knew?! Not me! But I most certainly AM a raker! Lather the pits and use that mini knife every which way, this way and that, up and down sideways and backwards, all in the name of getting each and every hair. 

Who knew I was being erratic?! I thought I was being efficient! 

And who has heard of folliculitis? Not me, again! But apparently it's a thing . . .

I suppose now I have an excuse to go French . . . or maybe learn how to shave correctly . . . one of those.




The opinions expressed in this blog post are strictly opinions of the author. They in no way diagnose or suggest diagnosis of anyone or their symptoms. If you have a concern about your own experience, please see a qualifying physician.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Throwback Thursday

THIS IS WHAT I CALL
SELF MOTIVATION
AND
SELF INSPIRATION

2010

FROM JANUARY TO MAY
50+lbs Gone


I NEED TO DO THAT AGAIN

...THAT IS ALL...


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Case of Walmart and Stupid Because . . . DUH

I decided to purchase myself a treadmill a while back and I decided to help my credit by putting it on a credit card. The treadmill I wanted with the right dimensions and the right weight capacity (because hello, some of the weight capacities are 180lbs and I am still not *sadly enough* 180lbs) was $200 cheaper at Walmart than any other retailer and I already had a Walmart store credit card so I figured, perfect!



Then again, in hind sight, nothing about Walmart is ever perfect. I must have had a lapse in sanity.

Anyway, so I had picked out the treadmill a week or so ago and went online to purchase it. There was an offer for free shipping (SCORE) and $25 credit if I applied for the Walmart store or Mastercard. Well, obviously I already had the store card but I figured there was nothing lost with applying for the Mastercard.

I filled out the application and oddly enough was not approved for the Mastercard but for ANOTHER store credit card. Hmm. Odd. I shrugged it off and saw that the card was ready for immediate use so I clicked over to purchase my treadmill and this is kinda how it went.

I clicked Checkout.

Entered my shipping information. 

Clicked to confirm my order and was informed that I needed the 3 digit security code on the back of my card.



Now, remember, I have a temporary card and I don't actually have the card and in the paper they gave me to print out they didn't give me a security code.

So, I figure, well I will just use my old card. No harm no foul.

But every time I try I get an error screen.



Now, it stands to reason that if I am approved for ANOTHER store credit card that the other one would no longer work but it said ACTIVE and it told me my credit limit. So I tried 5 more times with the same result. 

So, like any inconvenienced American with a cell phone I called customer service and after sitting on the phone with the automatic selections for 5 minutes was promptly told that the customer service center was closed and to go online.



BUT THERE WERE NO ANSWERS ONLINE!

In fact, when I went to log out and back into my account, it wouldn't let me!!

To say I was a little frustrated would be a BIG understatement

But I am nothing if not persistent and so I kept trying to log in and 20 minutes later was rewarded!!

I logged back in and tried several more times on both credit cards to purchase my gosh darn treadmill to no avail. 

One card needed the security code and the other produced an error screen.

GAHHH



So, out of sheer desperation I entered the security code from my old card into the security code section of the new card and what'd'ya know?? 

IT WORKED!



Thank you Walmart for your bassackwards way of doing things
You never fail to keep me on my toes
Busy doing things I don't want to be doing
at all hours of the night
Whether is it looking at your PEOPLE OF WALMART website
(because who can look away?)
or TRYING to purchase your products


Oh and then I signed into my account today and BAM
Apparently they did take one of the orders last night and then cancelled it


Due to the fact that they also cancelled my original card
Or rather, they made it expire . . . 

When I clicked on the 'see details' portion of the canceled order it said
YOUR CARD HAS EXPIRED
(Except it hadn't expired. It had just been replaced . . . Stupid, stupid, stupid)



Thanks Walmart for your effort in intelligence ... I mean excellence ...
OR lack thereof
Thank you so much


But as of right now my treadmill is being shipped to me . . . 
Yes, that green check mark moved as I was typing this post. 
SCORE!

Time to go find a place to put it


REVIEW OF SAID TREADMILL TO COME . . .
If it ever comes . . . 

Confessions

I used to do Link Up Confessions over at Vodka & Soda 
I would link to her
But she has poofed from the blogosphere
Now, Melissa, over at Making Melissa, and Laura over at Life with Lolo have taken the proverbial Confessions Scepter


I'd take it too if ^^ he ^^ were handing it to me with that look on his face

And thus continues the tradition of Wednesday Confessions
aka 'Humpday Confessions' or 'Hashtag Humpday'
Whatevuh you wanna call it!


YUSSSSS!

 . . .  and so we shall begin

// I watch a lot of TV. Too much probably. So, of course, being the reality TV snob that I am I MUST watch The Bachelor/The Bachelorette and I was so so ((jumping up and down)) excited for Chris' season and now I realize he is exactly the kind of guy you hate to love and love to hate. He acts all kinds of naive and innocent and blushes at crazy inappropriate things that the girls do but he is out 'to get them all' ((insert conspiratorial and maniacal laugh))
errr. . . I'm really just NOT liking how he's kissing err'body in front of err'body. 
The ONE thing I do still really like about him is that he seems to be a genuine listener . . . that is an invaluable quality in a person . . . then again he could just be totally faking it and knows how to BS the girls and the camera really well! ((sigh)) 

// Like I said . . . these eyes watch a ton-load of TV and most of it is on Hulu. Hulu PLUS that is. See? I buy the spensive stuff! $8.99/a month ya'll! So, why do they have to do me like this? They stream only the first 5 seasons of my current favorite show (The Good Wife) and then cut me off for the most recent season! I could kill! I could cancel! But I will whine instead. Does anyone else feel me on this? I know that #thegoodwife is not the only show they do this with? 
Why are they (yes, that's YOU Hulu!) so sadistic??

 


// And speaking of Hulu! I hate! Hate! Hate! The constant and repetitive ads! I mean, like I said, I pay for Hulu Plus! Why do I still have to watch ads for horror movies (the genre that I loathe) or health insurance for a state I live NEAR, not IN. Then of course there are the baby diaper/butt rash ads and I'm thinking, hmmm, I wonder if that would work on my . . . NO! I will not allow them to suck me in! My children are too old for this! JEEZ!



// And then there is Parenthood. Why oh why are you leaving me? Don't you know you are my.favorite.tv.show.ever?! Don't you know you are like a fictional duplicate of my own family?? And so when you are gone forever, it will be like I am missing a piece of my own family! That is just CRUEL! I will so miss the Braverman family! #finalseasonblues



// I have a love-hate relationship with my wine lately. I want to drink it (not all the time) and I like it while I'm drinking it (cuz duh, sweet red wine is delish) but afterward I feel super warm and weird in my guts, which is odd considering I am no light weight and let's be honest. The wine I drink is more like grape juice, so I really don't understand why it makes me feel that way #firstworldwinoproblems #notalightweight



// The Bane Chronicles about Magnus Bane The High Warlock of Brooklynn by Cassandra Clare (the same author as the #mortalinstruments and the #infernaldevices) is frickin' fantastic and so hilarious! There are very few books I can read and literally laugh out loud to myself . . . this is one of them




// and just because the dude (Godfrey Gao) who plays Magnus Bane in the movie (The Mortal Instruments) is ridiculously hot . . .


// Sabaceous cysts are disgusting. I have had one for going on 3 weeks. Yesterday I noticed a little piece of skin peeling off (like a sunburn peels) and I pulled on it and . . . well . . . I didn't know blood spurted that far from a superficial cyst . . . YUCK! On the brighter, less yucky side, the cyst has been drained and will leave a dark purple scar right inside my armpit! I love being me!

// I feel really bad about the initial review I did of Teami Tea a couple posts ago . . . but I'm SUPPOSED TO BE HONEST, RIGHT?!?!



// Is it weird that my mom is taking me to see Fifty Shades of Grey when it comes out in February? Is it weird that neither of us are weirded out by going together?



// I am over the moon excited that my little sister is moving back to the house because BOOKS, WINE, MOVIES, AND LATE NIGHT TALKS! YES!

// I'm getting a headache trying to think of what else might be an good confession

CONFESSIONS OVER

NUH NIGHT PEOPLES 

Making Melissa

#Hashtaghumpday @ Life with Lolo

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Struggle is {STILL} Real

The struggle known as elimination of wheat products


And yet, I continue to restart the struggle over every few weeks just to keep my body on its toes . . . 

Or something.
Actually, I think I am seriously messing with my body and I need to 
JUST.STOP.THE.MADNESS



You see, I get on this Primal Blueprint trip and I succeed for three weeks
AND THEN
I look at all the cakes and cookies and bread and think
WANT
and then I 
EAT
and then I roll around on the ground in indescribable pain
BECAUSE WHEAT BELLY!!
Not to mention my head gets super cloudy
I have more frequent panic attacks
My ankles swell to kingdom come
And I generally just feel like I'm
DYING
(Truly, this is not an exaggeration)



*I am not just saying I am not exaggerating either. Upon consumption of wheat products my body literally takes a nose dive in the health department. I go from visible ankle bones to cankles maximus. I go from a less significant belly girth to an extremely pronounced one. I go from moisturized and rejuvenating skin to dry, cracked, peeling elephant skin and that's just on the surface. Physically inside my stomach hurts, my heart races, my lungs feel like they are slowly filling with phlegm. I feel lethargic and irritable. I get headaches not only behind my eyes but in the back of my head. My teeth start to hurt and sometimes I even have a hard time taking sufficient breath. Then come the psychological reactions. On the Primal Blueprint diet I had ONE anxiety episode. When I am eating wheat, I have at least ONE EPISODE EVERY DAY if not more than once a day. An episode goes something like this. I am sitting there, feeling meh and then my heart starts to race. I feel like I just ran a mile non-stop. My breathing increases except I feel like I am not getting sufficient oxygen. Panic sets in and my mind starts to race which causes my heart rate to speed up further, causing my breathing to become more erratic. Often my head starts to spin from hyperventilation. I feel like I might lose consciousness or even more scary stop breathing all together as my windpipe feels like it is swelling in my throat. IT IS THE SCARIEST EXPERIENCE EVER. Like a mixture of a heart attack and a mental break down rolled all together into one hot mess of a person . . . *

SO
THE.MADNESS.MUST.STOP
For the past three days I have been eating all the breads and pastas
AND CHINESE FOOD
(^Holy hell, PAIN^)
Not a good idea
Not even in the slightest



So today I have hopped back up on that wagon
It isn't about weight loss
It is about well being
Health
True health
Physical
Mental and any other there might be
I had 3 eggs scrambled in butter for breakfast
Coffee with 2 TBSP creamer and a packet of Stevia 
(Note to self: one packet is much too sweet. 1/2 packet is sufficient)
I had beef chilli with corn tortillas for lunch
and for dinner I will have meat loaf, boiled potato and broccoli with mayo

Not even a smidge of wheat in that mix
And tomorrow I will start to feel better
and within a few days I should be able to see my ankle bones again
and I will remind myself of how I feel like I'm dying when I eat wheat
I will remind myself that even though I may not actually be dying
I don't want to die in the near future
I want to live a long happy life for and with my girls
This will be my mantra




Petting My Peeves

Did my title entice you to read out of bizarre curiosity? Haha! I realize how awkward it sounds but believe me, it was just a silly ploy to try to get people to read. Cuz, ya know, I'm desperate . . . but not really . . . now it's just getting weird . . 

ANYWHOOZLE!

I am finding that as I maneuver my way through this 31st year of life (which is strange to think because I am technically 30 . . . thus in my 31st year) that less and less really frustrates me. I do not have the short tempered fuse of my twenties anymore. I no longer feel immediate road rage on the highway when someone speeds by me or cuts me off. I no longer see blinding red rage when someone does something to inconvenience me or is inconsiderate of me or someone else. Those days have passed and moving slowly into my thirties has proved to be somewhat calming. That also might have something to do with the fact that I have had multiple anxiety attacks and so I am consciously trying to relax and not get worked up about things.



That being said there are still things that just get under my skin and make me grit my teeth, close my eyes and count to ten or twenty or one hundred depending on the severity of the circumstance. There are still things that make me squirm in my chair or make me want to walk over a slap someone . . . and I will warn you now, some of these issues are controversial so if you have walked in with your PC glasses on please kindly remove them and open your mind OR you can leave through your respective device's exit options. I promise I won't hold a grudge . . . though I might smirk and giggle a little because THAT is one of my biggest frustrations right now.




My list of things that make me go cross eyed and want to pull my hair out . . . 

Cops who tailgate you for miles
Seriously, they always appear from literally out of nowhere and then they follow so close to you that if you had to stop on a dime for whatever reason they would be up your bumper like a thong . . . not to mention that most people feel inclined (for whatever reason) to slow down below the speed limit which in turn creates crazy traffic and makes this habitually 'late arriver' even more late to wherever I'm going 




How people merging onto a freeway fail to reach a merging speed
You know who I am talking about. You are just driving along and as you get onto the freeway the person in front of you inexplicably slows down as if they have to stop before a space will open up for them in the flow of traffic. Ironically enough the exact opposite happens which again creates insane traffic on the on ramp



OR 




People who scrape their fork around the plate
I have been guilty of ACCIDENTALLY doing this before and the noise is absolutely horrific, but when people do it on purpose it makes me want to stab my fork into their thigh

Parents who plead with toddlers
There is nothing as frustrating as watching a parent plead and bargain with their 1-4 year olds as if the child has as much say in the situation as the adult. It embarrasses me for the parent when they are heard bribing, cajoling and enticing the child (especially with candy) to do what the parent wants or needs the child to do. THIS is NOT how parenting is supposed to work. 

Getting stuck at red lights, while nobody is going the other direction
This happened to me just the other night after we went to dinner. Driving home it was extremely foggy out and there were almost no cars on the road. AND YET I came upon a glowing red light (ensconced in fog which made it really creepy) that took an entire two minutes to change to green. I'm sorry, but when there is no through traffic going the other direction the light should not hesitate to change so I can avoid feeling like I am in a cheaply made thriller movie where Freddy Krueger is going to assault my car at any moment




People who park a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle of a grocery store, blocking the way for others and then walking away to gather items
This happens to me every.time.I.go.grocery.shopping and it drives me INSANE! As if the grocery store doesn't make their aisles narrow enough, then someone (usually a woman) plants her cart either right in the middle of the aisle or off to the side and walks around gathering items, oblivious to the traffic jam that they are causing. Then even more frustrating are the ones who don't even apologize or recognize that they inconvenienced about 300 other people and they grumble about how inconsiderate everyone else is. 






Parents who have their children on leashes
What is this? If you wanted a dog why not get a dog? You have a child. Teach them to stay near you. If they are having a hard time with that, hold their hand. Part of being a parent is being inconvenienced (I say inconvenienced because this is how these parents seem to view this) by taking the time to teach our kids life lessons and that includes staying where one should stay when they should stay there and where is a safe distance from mom or dad in every day circumstances. 









I THINK THE CONSENSUS SAYS, IF YOU PUT YOUR KID ON A LEASH THEY WILL INEVITABLY END UP ON THE DIRTY GROUND . . . YUCK

Dogs running around on a flatbed truck, which is going highway speed
I pray that I never see the day when a thrill seeking dog jumps out of the bed on the freeway. I have seen far too many irresponsible dog owners who have there dog running free in the truck bed or tethered so loosely they could hang themselves if they jumped. Put your dog in the cab with you gosh darnit! And if there isn't enough space crate the animal. It may seem more cruel than letting them run free but I assure you they would prefer the crate to being smooshed or hanged. 



THIS        NOT      THIS



Mispronunciation of words
The word is ASK, not AKS
The expression is DOG EAT DOG, not DOGGY DOG
The word is DROWN, not DROWNED
The words are ESPRESSO, ET CETERA and ESPECIALLY, not EXPRESSO, EXCETERA or EXPECIALLY
The expression is FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, not FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES
The word is REGARDLESS, not IRREGARDLESS
The word is ORIENT, not ORIENTATE
The word is PICTURE, not PITCHER
The word is SUPPOSEDLY, not SUPPOSABLY

AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON TO INFINITUM AND I HAVE A VERY HARD TIME NOT CORRECTING PEOPLE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SELF ELECTED GRAMMAR POLICE

Fax machines that call my home number
That shizz hurts your ears. Have you ever picked up your phone and say, 'hello?' only to be greeted by the severely high pitched squeal/shriek of someone trying to send a fax. I want to be able to *69 the jerk and rip him a new one with my grammatically correct profanity

Noisy eaters
5 WORDS: CHEW . . . WITH . . . YOUR . . . LIPS . . . CLOSED
The only excuse for chewing with your mouth open is if you have a terrible head cold or sinus infection and then I don't want to be eating with you anyway unless you are my child.
There is nothing more disgusting then the sucking smacking sound of food squishing and smooshing between your teeth and the added ick factor is that I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT EITHER!




Stopping in a crowded place or hallway or aisle
This goes along with the parking your cart in the aisle of a grocery store. DON'T JUST STOP. Move to the side, get out of the way of other people AND THEN go about your business. I really don't want to eat your hair or run directly into you because I am minding my own business and YOU decided to STOP right in front of me.

Jaywalkers
Look both ways before you cross. 'Nuff said. I don't want to kill you and you *might have the right of way but do yourself and all the bones in your body a favor and make sure the road is clear before you exercise your privilege to cross the street where it is NOT DESIGNATED



SERIOUSLY! 
LOOK!




People who think it is their way or the highway 
Self explanatory. Yours is not the only way of thinking. Nor is mine. Respect or at least 'tolerance' (a word I actually despise and not to be confused with irrational political correctness) should be taught and enforced more liberally these days (but not by people who are fanatically inclined in one direction or the other)




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