Saturday, May 21, 2016

Sexy Saturday

Full disclosure, as a single mom with no romantic interests and no single friends there is absolutely nothing sexy about my Saturday. At.all. It was all a ploy. Do you feel duped? I'm sure you'll manage to forgive me and get over it. For your sake that would be the healthy option.

That being said, I found out yesterday that I have a hernia, or a torn abdominal muscle, or both. The doctor doesn't really know and says because of my 'weight issue' she was having a hard time 'manipulating' my muscles. Truth be told, I need no manipulation of my muscles or anything else, thank you very much ... I just wanted her to tell me I wasn't dying, because again full disclosure; I am a full blown hypochondriac and as soon as I felt that weird burning, tearing, aching, unnatural sensation just below my right breast every time I bent over or did anything that engaged my abs I could swear a tumor was growing bigger and bigger and soon it would crush my lungs or my heart or both and I would die. Ok, I'm not that bad. But I did want her to tell me it was a muscle tear or a hernia because generally those situations aren't fatal.

So now that I have at least one but possibly both of those (she will order a CT scan to confirm if I am not feeling better within 2 weeks) I am not allowed to lift more than 5lbs which I promotly forgot today and lifted my 55lb screaming brat child off the floor and carried her to her bed for timeout. I also consciously cuddled our kitties who weigh 12 and 16lbs respectively and I'm not even ashamed. Their cuddles and purrs make me feel safe. Yeah, that's a jab at some people. Again, I feel no shame. I do feel extremely nauseated though. I suppose I deserve it.

On a serious note, I picked up all the photos I had separated for my sisters wedding slideshow and resorted them from 'photos that look so adorable together I could vomit', to 'pictures of him' and another pile of 'pictures of her'. It was actually a very sad 10 minutes as I sat on the floor and thought back through the few months they had been engaged and all the excitement we had felt. I feel especially bad for her even though according to those closest to her she is doing exceptionally well. Apparently she invited him over to ask him red flag questions last night to make sure she had made the right decision. Aaaand apparently he failed each question, confirming for her in her mind that she had made the right decision to cancel the wedding. Now to store the dress, get deposits for locations, photographers, and honeymoon reservations back. It is a true blessing in disguise that they weren't able to come to an agreement on invitations until recently and they were only about to order them. Telling hundreds of guests with newly received invitations that the wedding is off before they even have time to read the card would be a little awkward.

 And now I am ready for bed, but I can't go to bed. On the weekdays I pride myself on being a strict and well scheduled mom of two incredibly responsible and well behaved little girls who clean up their messes and get in their jammies when I tell them it's bedtime without complaint. We pray and sing and they fall asleep like angels. #truestory #noexaggeration I then tuck them in, kiss their sweet soft cheeks and climb into my own bed to either watch some Tv or go to sleep myself.  #thegoodlife  But I don't like to be tyrant mommy on Friday and Saturday . It's just too exhausting to make it an every day thing. So bedtimes go out the window, desserts are free-for-all and it's not unheard of to fall asleep to the blaring TV. Right now, at 11:30 pm Sass is reading to Breezy in their bedroom as they play dolls. I think it's adorable and wouldn't trade it for an extra wink of sleep or anything else ever. That doesn't mean I can't close my eyes and listen to the story also though. So goodnight blog world.   

 Until next time ...

Friday, May 20, 2016

My Heart Breaks ...

Today is a sad day in our family. In February there was an engagement and throughout these past three months we were planning and day dreaming and getting ready for the big day ... the wedding. Magazines and websites and ideas galore were poured over, meticulously choosing what was good and what was not. The bride and bridesmaids and flower girls' dresses were bought, the groom and groomsmen's suit colors were chosen, engagement photos were taken, invitations were picked out, a wedding website set up, decorations were chosen and being handmade, music was being selected, photos were being collected for a slideshow during the reception, the church was designated, the pastor picked and marital counseling scheduled. The date was set.

 My heart breaks for her because today - a day that I think will mark the bride's heart for the rest of her life - she let us know that the wedding has been cancelled. The relationship has been irreparably broken and the groom cannot even speak to her ... But not because of what she has said or done. Rather because of what he has done. He broke the trust. He broke the promise and he soiled and wrinkled the pristine piece of white paper that was their relationship. He can't undo it. He can't take it back and the worst part is he planned to lie about it through omission. He planned to let the bride marry him with this burden on his shoulders, in his mind, and in his heart. She isn't a crier and as she related the news to us her eyes did not well. Her tone remained even and her voice steady but I could see it in her expression, and in the almost imperceptible tremble of her thin fingers. She is shaken ... to the core.

This was the man she had planned to spend the rest of her life with. She planned to have children with him. She had planned their future. And now it is just gone. Being a soft hearted and easily conflicted person, she is worried that she is throwing it all away for something that others might see as trivial. She hurts for him, knowing that he is suffering because he knows he hurt her. She worries a lot; about life and her choices in it. I assured her, in this situation, she made the very best decision. A couple cannot base their marriage on the foundation of distrust and deception. She has heard this from everyone she trusts but still doesn't trust her own judgement. My heart truly breaks for her.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

A Friend is like a Good Bra . . .

I have been going through some trying times; with different family members for different reasons and with myself, internally - emotionally. I feel like a big, sad, hot mess.

Today, things were going ok, to be optimistic. I had a massive cup of coffee . . . and then I had MORE COFFEE and that was about the best part of the day.

From there things kinda slid downhill like a whale down a water slide. I got home from having ALL THE COFFEE and realized I had received two texts from a friend and from a family member asking for help in one area or another of their lives. Normally, this would not affect me but not only did it stress me out that I had to say no to my family member because of the space in my car she required that I . . . but I had to go pick up Breezy early due to a field trip she wasn't going to attend which meant if I were to acquiesce my friends request I would have to go back to the school AGAIN soon after. Add to that the clouds had come back to kill the sun and it was raining and my mind just was to be called upon for help and even less in the right place to have to say no or be faced with the dilemma of saying no. I became overwhelmed. Top that off with my mom and I arguing about what I would be making for dinner because apparently I owe her and well, it all sounds silly but in my mind in those moments I thought I was going to implode . . . and I may have. I'll check my laundry later.

Fast forward a bit and I go to pick up Sassy. My brain is still in a funk. The clouds are still raining on me, feelings of failing the people who had asked me for help danced cruelly through my head spinning unnecessary webs of guilt and as we are backing out of the parking lot of the school **CRASH**, I totally backed into someone waiting in the pickup line. Cue my adrenaline response. I calmly hauled it back into my parking space, grabbed my wallet, told the girls I would be right back and got out of the car, preparing to confront the accordioned back end of the vehicle I had plowed into. Out of the small blue Honda, who has also parked perpendicular to me, emerges this very tall, large, well dressed man and I immediately begin to apologize profusely. I even start to open my wallet to retrieve my insurance information, but he seems unphased as he checks the bumper (which admittedly was in poor shape across the board with stickers and prior scrapes and dents) looked up at me and was like, 'Hey no problem. It happens and I don't see any damage.'
My heart nearly burst from my chest and I hesitantly asked, 'You don't want my information?'
And his response of, 'Nah, no harm done,' sent me apologizing and thanking him profusely for the grace he bestowed upon me.

I must have looked like a blithering idiot.

And then I turned around AND BECAME A BLITHERING IDIOT.

I started back to my car and hot tears literally rolled in big splattering drops off my cheeks and onto my jacket. I got in the car and of course both girls were anxious to see me crying. I told them I was ok. No one was hurt and mommy was just very stressed. Sassy tried to console me with the drama that had unfolded between two of her friends in class and I will admit it cheered me a bit to hear about their silly antics. Even still I sobbed quietly the entire way to the produce market where I was going to buy dinner . . . once we arrived, I pulled myself together and bought the food that later my family wouldn't even eat.

((Insert super angry emoji face here))

When I got home I realized I had two new texts. One from a friend of mine who we will call mama K and the other we will call Mama M.

Mama K reminded me in her text what a good friend I had been to her and thanked me, giving me some much needed and thankfully unrequested validation on a day where I literally felt as though the world was imploding in on me.

Mama M's text reminded me that my friends are there for me. That we mamas have to stick together and if I ever needed anything, she was there.

My heart overflowed. Where the dark void had filled me all day with sadness and depression my cup suddenly overflowed with gratitude that without knowing my struggles, my friends had pulled my up by my bootstraps and reminded me that I am ok. Life is ok. There are good and gracious people in the world. I am a decent person and I have wonderful friends to be very thankful for.

Even now, feeling a sad sense of nostalgia as I sit here writing, I know that I will have days like today. Where even the smallest mishaps will feel like the world is ending. But I need to remind myself that I love and I am loved and life is really actually very good.

The Cuckoos Nest

There is literally so much to write about and so little time, energy, and even resources to write it all. First off I have 4 laptops in my home and they have all but one decided to go to the technological highway in the sky, aka blue screen hell heaven. The one that still works has a malfunctioning backlight so the screen will intermittently go completely black and I nearly burst all the blood vessels as I close the lid, wait for the damn thing to hibernate and then wake it back up, in hopes that the light decides to work. It is also missing keys in the keyboard so when I need to press the '6' button I have to consciously hit it HARD.

In other news, I have gone the way of the Wheat Free Sugar Free diet and have fallen off a few several times. In those times I have fallen off I have found just how detrimental sugar and wheat products are to my body. After several weeks on no wheat and no sugar if I consume any wheat or any significant amount of sugar I turn into a sweaty, swollen, tummy aching mess which tells me those two things are NOT GOOD FOR ME! ((Gasp)) So I have cut out things like bread, crackers, pretzels, cereals made of wheat, cookies, cakes, muffins, and all things candy, fruit juice, sugar laden junk and processed a lot of processed foods etc. What I do eat are whole foods such as fruit, veggies, meats, dairy (except for yogurt - it's just not healthy people!) corn, potatoes and rice as well as 60% or higher cacao chocolate and coffee . . . BUCKETS OF COFFEE! And when I stick to it, I feel really damn good! The swelling goes down, my PMS goes extinct, my body doesn't ache and the fatigue goes away as well.

I have been going to Curves for some time now and what can I say? I love the hell outta the fact that there are no men. Some women who look like men, but no men and most of the women are for lack of better world . . . OLD. I love that! I don't feel pressured to 'compete', I don't feel inferior to their rockin' abs or rock solid asses. (Well, there are actually some old biddies who have pretty rockin' bodies, but the fact that they're old still makes me feel better) I love that the majority of the exercises are sitting down. (Counter productive? Don't judge!) The only thing I am not a fan of is when I am doing the circuit and I am in the zone and the person in front of me forgets to move or decides to 'rest' on the machine and I have to stay on the machine I am already on and whatever I am working out feels like it might just fall off. OR when I am focused on my workout and someone wants to have a deep meaningful conversation about their life and it's like . . . I can't concentrate on YOU right now. I'm sweating blood onto the floor. GO.AWAY.

Tomorrow I am headed off to the doctor to see if I have an upper abdominal hernia. I have some of the symptoms like GERD, hardening of one side of my stomach, pain when moving the muscle associated near that hardness and some awful nausea. I am really praying it is not a hernia but also going to be relieved if it isn't something worse because I am a total hypochondriac and any pain, twitch or lump immediately brings thoughts of heart attack, cancer or some other fatal disease that will surely be my demise into my brain. I have a masochistic brain. Don't judge.

I am sure you all are following the political circus our country is currently participating in. I am seriously appalled at so many political, ethical, moral, politically correct things right now, it would take an entire novel to hash it out and I might die from the heart attack or stroke it might induce. Every time I hear a certain candidates name my blood pressure sky rockets, every time I hear the friggin' word 'bathroom' my blood boils and every time I hear about the Zika virus my anxiety kicks in. In the back of my mind I KNOW that these things should NOT affect me the way they do. I know I should not allow the unrest of the world cause me such grief that it causes me physical ailments. But dammit, if the world isn't a friggin' stressful pile of donkey dung right now . . . no insinuation toward any political party - well, maybe a little.

My girls are doing awesome in school and in life. Both have highest honors, have been student of the month and are generally just really great and well rounded kids despite (and in spite of) the absence of their sperm donor father. He is currently in Mexico, on vacation for the last 3 weeks. He speaks to the girls on occasion (when they want to talk to him) and hasn't seen them in a blue moon or five. He seriously takes the cake when it comes being a non-involved lazy sack of you-know-what dad.

On the other more positive hand the school year is winding down and with it I realize I will soon me mama to a second and third grader. When I first started this blog more than 8 years ago, I was married, Breezy wasn't even a sparkle in my naive little eye and Sass was the tiniest little bundle. In that time there have been books written, moves, trips, divorces, drug addictions, physical injuries, job loss, bankruptcies, engagements and so much more. It's hard to believe that nearly a decade has passed. Well, here's to summer and the ever continuing movement forward into the future.

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