Thursday, May 19, 2016

A Friend is like a Good Bra . . .

I have been going through some trying times; with different family members for different reasons and with myself, internally - emotionally. I feel like a big, sad, hot mess.

Today, things were going ok, to be optimistic. I had a massive cup of coffee . . . and then I had MORE COFFEE and that was about the best part of the day.

From there things kinda slid downhill like a whale down a water slide. I got home from having ALL THE COFFEE and realized I had received two texts from a friend and from a family member asking for help in one area or another of their lives. Normally, this would not affect me but not only did it stress me out that I had to say no to my family member because of the space in my car she required that I . . . but I had to go pick up Breezy early due to a field trip she wasn't going to attend which meant if I were to acquiesce my friends request I would have to go back to the school AGAIN soon after. Add to that the clouds had come back to kill the sun and it was raining and my mind just was to be called upon for help and even less in the right place to have to say no or be faced with the dilemma of saying no. I became overwhelmed. Top that off with my mom and I arguing about what I would be making for dinner because apparently I owe her and well, it all sounds silly but in my mind in those moments I thought I was going to implode . . . and I may have. I'll check my laundry later.

Fast forward a bit and I go to pick up Sassy. My brain is still in a funk. The clouds are still raining on me, feelings of failing the people who had asked me for help danced cruelly through my head spinning unnecessary webs of guilt and as we are backing out of the parking lot of the school **CRASH**, I totally backed into someone waiting in the pickup line. Cue my adrenaline response. I calmly hauled it back into my parking space, grabbed my wallet, told the girls I would be right back and got out of the car, preparing to confront the accordioned back end of the vehicle I had plowed into. Out of the small blue Honda, who has also parked perpendicular to me, emerges this very tall, large, well dressed man and I immediately begin to apologize profusely. I even start to open my wallet to retrieve my insurance information, but he seems unphased as he checks the bumper (which admittedly was in poor shape across the board with stickers and prior scrapes and dents) looked up at me and was like, 'Hey no problem. It happens and I don't see any damage.'
My heart nearly burst from my chest and I hesitantly asked, 'You don't want my information?'
And his response of, 'Nah, no harm done,' sent me apologizing and thanking him profusely for the grace he bestowed upon me.

I must have looked like a blithering idiot.

And then I turned around AND BECAME A BLITHERING IDIOT.

I started back to my car and hot tears literally rolled in big splattering drops off my cheeks and onto my jacket. I got in the car and of course both girls were anxious to see me crying. I told them I was ok. No one was hurt and mommy was just very stressed. Sassy tried to console me with the drama that had unfolded between two of her friends in class and I will admit it cheered me a bit to hear about their silly antics. Even still I sobbed quietly the entire way to the produce market where I was going to buy dinner . . . once we arrived, I pulled myself together and bought the food that later my family wouldn't even eat.

((Insert super angry emoji face here))

When I got home I realized I had two new texts. One from a friend of mine who we will call mama K and the other we will call Mama M.

Mama K reminded me in her text what a good friend I had been to her and thanked me, giving me some much needed and thankfully unrequested validation on a day where I literally felt as though the world was imploding in on me.

Mama M's text reminded me that my friends are there for me. That we mamas have to stick together and if I ever needed anything, she was there.

My heart overflowed. Where the dark void had filled me all day with sadness and depression my cup suddenly overflowed with gratitude that without knowing my struggles, my friends had pulled my up by my bootstraps and reminded me that I am ok. Life is ok. There are good and gracious people in the world. I am a decent person and I have wonderful friends to be very thankful for.

Even now, feeling a sad sense of nostalgia as I sit here writing, I know that I will have days like today. Where even the smallest mishaps will feel like the world is ending. But I need to remind myself that I love and I am loved and life is really actually very good.

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