Thursday, December 22, 2016

The Fat Mother

I haven't been around these parts in a while
I HAVE spent a lot of time making new great friends
I HAVE spent a lot of time volunteering at my kids' school
I HAVE spent a lot of time NOT losing weight


  • I have had more anxiety in the last year than ever before
  • I have had more opportunities that I had to turn down due to my weight for one reason or another than ever before
  • For the first time ever my children had to wait an extremely long amount of time to eat at a restaurant because I couldn't fit in the available booths and we had to wait for a table with chairs
  • I have on several occasions had to ask for either special seating, handicap seating or a completely separate seat due to the width of my backside at theater and movie events
  • I have on several occasions truly wondered if the anxiety I was experiencing was an actual heart attack - today being a prime example when my entire airway completely closed up, I got chills and my heart started thudding crazily ... NOT.COOL
  • I see other people who started losing weight in 2010 when I initially started who have been in maintenance for a very long time and I mentally kick myself
    (because, you know, my physical heal can't actually reach my own ass due to the vast circumference of my thighs)
  • And as if all that isn't enough, I now weight officially what I weighed when I was pregnant with Breezy ((head in hands))
Maybe 2017 will be better for my goals
I don't make promises to anyone anymore
Maybe 2017 I will be able to stay on track
Again I won't make promises
But I will try
I can't ever stop trying

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Sexy Saturday

Full disclosure, as a single mom with no romantic interests and no single friends there is absolutely nothing sexy about my Saturday. At.all. It was all a ploy. Do you feel duped? I'm sure you'll manage to forgive me and get over it. For your sake that would be the healthy option.

That being said, I found out yesterday that I have a hernia, or a torn abdominal muscle, or both. The doctor doesn't really know and says because of my 'weight issue' she was having a hard time 'manipulating' my muscles. Truth be told, I need no manipulation of my muscles or anything else, thank you very much ... I just wanted her to tell me I wasn't dying, because again full disclosure; I am a full blown hypochondriac and as soon as I felt that weird burning, tearing, aching, unnatural sensation just below my right breast every time I bent over or did anything that engaged my abs I could swear a tumor was growing bigger and bigger and soon it would crush my lungs or my heart or both and I would die. Ok, I'm not that bad. But I did want her to tell me it was a muscle tear or a hernia because generally those situations aren't fatal.

So now that I have at least one but possibly both of those (she will order a CT scan to confirm if I am not feeling better within 2 weeks) I am not allowed to lift more than 5lbs which I promotly forgot today and lifted my 55lb screaming brat child off the floor and carried her to her bed for timeout. I also consciously cuddled our kitties who weigh 12 and 16lbs respectively and I'm not even ashamed. Their cuddles and purrs make me feel safe. Yeah, that's a jab at some people. Again, I feel no shame. I do feel extremely nauseated though. I suppose I deserve it.

On a serious note, I picked up all the photos I had separated for my sisters wedding slideshow and resorted them from 'photos that look so adorable together I could vomit', to 'pictures of him' and another pile of 'pictures of her'. It was actually a very sad 10 minutes as I sat on the floor and thought back through the few months they had been engaged and all the excitement we had felt. I feel especially bad for her even though according to those closest to her she is doing exceptionally well. Apparently she invited him over to ask him red flag questions last night to make sure she had made the right decision. Aaaand apparently he failed each question, confirming for her in her mind that she had made the right decision to cancel the wedding. Now to store the dress, get deposits for locations, photographers, and honeymoon reservations back. It is a true blessing in disguise that they weren't able to come to an agreement on invitations until recently and they were only about to order them. Telling hundreds of guests with newly received invitations that the wedding is off before they even have time to read the card would be a little awkward.

 And now I am ready for bed, but I can't go to bed. On the weekdays I pride myself on being a strict and well scheduled mom of two incredibly responsible and well behaved little girls who clean up their messes and get in their jammies when I tell them it's bedtime without complaint. We pray and sing and they fall asleep like angels. #truestory #noexaggeration I then tuck them in, kiss their sweet soft cheeks and climb into my own bed to either watch some Tv or go to sleep myself.  #thegoodlife  But I don't like to be tyrant mommy on Friday and Saturday . It's just too exhausting to make it an every day thing. So bedtimes go out the window, desserts are free-for-all and it's not unheard of to fall asleep to the blaring TV. Right now, at 11:30 pm Sass is reading to Breezy in their bedroom as they play dolls. I think it's adorable and wouldn't trade it for an extra wink of sleep or anything else ever. That doesn't mean I can't close my eyes and listen to the story also though. So goodnight blog world.   

 Until next time ...

Friday, May 20, 2016

My Heart Breaks ...

Today is a sad day in our family. In February there was an engagement and throughout these past three months we were planning and day dreaming and getting ready for the big day ... the wedding. Magazines and websites and ideas galore were poured over, meticulously choosing what was good and what was not. The bride and bridesmaids and flower girls' dresses were bought, the groom and groomsmen's suit colors were chosen, engagement photos were taken, invitations were picked out, a wedding website set up, decorations were chosen and being handmade, music was being selected, photos were being collected for a slideshow during the reception, the church was designated, the pastor picked and marital counseling scheduled. The date was set.

 My heart breaks for her because today - a day that I think will mark the bride's heart for the rest of her life - she let us know that the wedding has been cancelled. The relationship has been irreparably broken and the groom cannot even speak to her ... But not because of what she has said or done. Rather because of what he has done. He broke the trust. He broke the promise and he soiled and wrinkled the pristine piece of white paper that was their relationship. He can't undo it. He can't take it back and the worst part is he planned to lie about it through omission. He planned to let the bride marry him with this burden on his shoulders, in his mind, and in his heart. She isn't a crier and as she related the news to us her eyes did not well. Her tone remained even and her voice steady but I could see it in her expression, and in the almost imperceptible tremble of her thin fingers. She is shaken ... to the core.

This was the man she had planned to spend the rest of her life with. She planned to have children with him. She had planned their future. And now it is just gone. Being a soft hearted and easily conflicted person, she is worried that she is throwing it all away for something that others might see as trivial. She hurts for him, knowing that he is suffering because he knows he hurt her. She worries a lot; about life and her choices in it. I assured her, in this situation, she made the very best decision. A couple cannot base their marriage on the foundation of distrust and deception. She has heard this from everyone she trusts but still doesn't trust her own judgement. My heart truly breaks for her.
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